


Tea and Potions

by Sarahmouse



Category: Loki - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Bakery and Coffee Shop, Coffee Shops, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki-centric, M/M, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2018-04-08 10:17:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 48,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4300977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarahmouse/pseuds/Sarahmouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is on a tour of New York coffee. But it's not just coffee he finds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tea and Potions was the sort of coffee shop that Tony Stark loved. Not necessarily because it fit his personality. It didn't. He liked the hole in the wall type coffee shop because they were the type he could step foot in without being recognized. He was making a habit out of finding the most obscure places and seeing if the one or two reviews on Yelp were in fact accurate. Tea and Potions just happened to be the most recent stop on his tour of New York shops. 

It was the first week of September but the second Tony stepped through the door he thought Jarvis must have been lying to him. The place looked like a witch's home during All Hallows Eve rather then a building only a handful of blocks from his own tower. It looked like the chairs and tables had been picked up at different times from different piles of junk. And considering at least two were being kept level with a book under its leg, Tony strongly suspected he was right. The walls were covered with recipes for bloody and sacrificial sounding potions but upon further inspection seemed to only be recipes for the various things on the menu. 

Tony stepped up to the counter and the barista turned to face him. And the man looked oddly like- "Loki."

The instrumental music that had filled the air seconds earlier seemed to stop right in the middle of a measure as Loki closed his eyes, took in several deep breaths, and managed to show a very small smile that had no hope of even remotely looking less then forced. "Welcome to Tea and Potions what sort of spell will you be having today?"

Tony couldn't stop staring. This had to be some joke, his mind playing tricks on him. When was the last time he had actually slept instead if grabbing a coffee? Surely this was a sign that he needed to go home and sleep for a couple of hours, if not a couple of days. 

Loki still hadn't moved, hadn't even blinked, scared that any movement would break the fragile moment of confusion. But neither of them were talking, barely even breathing and he needed Stark to get out of his shop. So he gathered his courage and asked, "Tea or coffee?" 

Tony, not one to miss out on his chance for caffeine of any kind said, "Coffee. Black. And we need to have a talk." He didn't miss how Loki's hands shook when the cup was exchanged. Didn't fail to notice how Loki seemed to be struggling to catch each breath. He convinced himself it didn't matter, that if anyone had a right to be nervous it was the guy who had been thrown out of his own house like a rag doll.

Loki led them behind a pile of books that nearly reached the ceiling. Behind it rested a small circular table of mahogany and two red chairs. Loki sat in the chair against the wall so Tony had to sit with his back to the mostly empty shop and the pile of books. "I thought we had a deal," Loki said it as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders, "Only Fury comes with the questions." 

It was silent for awhile as Tony drank his coffee and took in what had just been said. Finally he put down the half finished drink and said, "I didn't know there was a deal. Hell, I didn't even know you were on Earth. So why don't you clue me in, Rudolph, and just might leave you alone."

"Thor returned me to Asgard, as you saw for yourself. I was locked away for my crimes..." His words faded as he remembered what happened once he was locked away from the golden halls of Asgard. His eyes misted over and he stiffened till Tony thought he would break something. Instead Loki continued, "I suppose you know about Malekith and his attacks on the nine realms."

"He landed in London and Thor took care of it or something, right."

"Yes." Loki's reply was curt after a few tense moments he continued, "However he didn't act alone. He came to me, made an offer. I accepted." He held up a hand to stop Tony before he could interrupt, "It was a different offer then the one Fury and I have in place. I was meant to go back to my cage once Malekith had been defeated. I died instead."

Tony rolled his eyes, "Except you're not dead."

"No. By the time my body was well enough to bring me closer to life Thor and Lady Jane had already left. I was unwilling to go back to my cage. A sentiment I'm sure you can understand given your torturous past. Instead I came here, to Midgard." He held his right wrist out to Tony. "I believe this little bracelet is your design, meant to stop my magic. Sorry to disappoint but it only dampens what I'm capable of doing. I wear these and I get to stay. I stay in New York and answer any question Shield could possibly have to ask me." 

Loki stood up and went back behind the counter. He began to heat up a kettle of water and pulled some honey from a cupboard almost out of reach. "That cup is on the house but the next one won't be."

Tony stood up and walked up to counter. He shook his head, "What makes you think they'll be a next time."

Leaning in Loki said, "Because I'm the monster parents tell their children about at night and you're the type of person to constantly check that the monster is where they are meant to be. Besides I can make a better cup of coffee then that and I need you to come back so I can prove that point."

Tony gave a toothy smile and walked to the door. Before he walked out he said, "Same time next week then?" 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Loki have another talk. It's not terribly fun.

It had been several days since Tony had left his lab. He had very deliberately wandered in after his run in with Loki. And hadn't left since. In the meantime his suits became more powerful, better aim on the hand blasters, more power from the rockets, overall a sleeker design. And according to Jarvis he hadn't slept in the past 26 hours. Though that count was a bit inaccurate considering he had told Jarvis to even count "resting my eyes" as sleep.

The problem was Tony couldn't just forget that the bag of cats was working in one of the coffee shops just blocks from his front door. Couldn't sleep when Loki could decide to attack at any moment. Tony slipped the silver bracelets, that could call his suit, onto his writs and finally left the lab. 

But instead of wondering up to his bed or the communal kitchen, Tony walked all the way to Tea and Potions. It was just as it was a few days ago. Perhaps a bit fuller, with more people quickly grabbing their coffee before heading into the office. A few more tea mugs left out on empty tables simply waiting to be carried away for cleanup. 

And of course Loki was right where Tony had left him, standing behind the counter. Though this time his oil black hair was tied up in a messy form of a bun. And he was smiling. A real smile, easy. The kind of smile that made his eyes twinkle with hidden laughter. Tony almost felt bad when Loki looked up and saw him in the door way.

By the time Tony reached the front of the line Loki had most certainly stopped smiling. He didn't bother with saying any cute little line about potions or spells instead he opted for, "Tea or coffee?" 

"Coffee. Last time I was here you said something about making me a better cup?"

"Did you have something in mind or am I allowed to surprise you?"

Tony looked up at the handwritten menu above Loki's head and maybe it was the lack of sleep or maybe it was the threat of this nightmare infront of him but he couldn't quite make sense of what was written. So he said, "Surprise me, Voldy."

Loki's eyebrow quirked in unspoken question before he turned around to fill up a medium sized dark green mug. 

"You're almost as bad as Spangles in the culture department. Voldy, Voldemort." Before Loki could even give a nonverbal answer Tony continued, "He's the big bad in Harry Potter. A wizard. Power hungry. Thinks he's better then all the puny little muggles around him."

Loki turned around with a now full mug and handed it over to Tony. "That will be $3.50. And I suppose you have your questions. Shall we talk?" 

Tony handed over the money and didn't bother with taking any of his change. Instead he took a sip of his coffee. It was strong. The caffeine hitting his veins in an instant. And the flavor, he took another sip to be sure, "Is there rum in this?" 

"Just a little bit. Not enough to get you drunk."

"And..." He took another sip before guessing, "Blueberry."

"I heard somewhere that you enjoy blueberries. Was I mistaken. I could-"

"This is fine. More then fine, actually. But I would like to talk somewhere a bit more private."

Loki nodded before bending down. He placed a sign on the counter. It was written in the same handwriting as the menu and that shouldn't have seemed odd to Tony yet it did. The sign simply said, "The argr will return soon." Perhaps it wasn't the handwriting but the message that freaked him out though he still had no clue why.

Once again Tony was led to the small wooden table behind the pile of books. He sat down and looked expectantly at Loki, waiting at least for a moment for the answers he wanted. Of course Loki took to long so he had to fill the silence with something, "You seem different." It wasn't what he had meant to say. He meant to ask about the deal with Fury, why he was working in a coffee shop. He meant to say something useful. Instead he had stated the obvious. 

"Yes...different." Loki knew he sounded sad. He knew that he was letting his emotions bleed through more and more with each passing day. "As if you or anyone else would know what I ever actually wanted." It was a whisper, one his visitor could only just make out. 

"What you actually want? You attacked us. You came here and tried to make people, good people, kneel before you. Well guess what, Princess, when you invade a place and say how the people you are invading are ants you leave a good impression of what you want."

"What I want is to be left alone."

"Well you have a funny way of showing it. Though I suppose killing everyone in your way would make them leave you alone."

The words struck like a knife and Loki couldn't find his voice. Couldn't find the words to justify his actions. So they sat there in silence as Tony drank his coffee. And Loki stared at the wall just behind Tony's head forcing himself to show no emotion. 

Finally Loki stood up. He shook his head and his voice sounded so much like it did before, dangerous, "You act as if I enjoyed that. I didn't, in case you were wondering. It was merely a necessary evil. Something to appease him. To finish the task he gave me." But the next second he is a bit cheerier, the fake smile in place, "Now if you don't mind I do have a business to run so I cannot simply stay here and chat. Good day, Stark."

With that Loki walked back to the counter, removed the sign, and started to make a cup of tea for himself. This time the honey was tucked behind a row of china cups. He reached for it as the kettle whistled. 

At least Tony could only assume the tea was for him considering there were no customers waiting. He drank the last dregs of his coffee and wandered back to the counter. "So, last time I was here you said I should understand not returning because and I'm quoting here 'A sentiment I'm sure you can understand given your torturous past.' They tortured you? The All Daddy decided to torture his own son."

"He's not my father!" Loki hadn't meant to shout. He hadn't even meant to say anything but he had and now he couldn't stop, "He disowned me. Said I should be dead, abandoned as a babe, he should have let me die. Instead he locked me away like the war prize I was always meant to be." He didn't notice the few tears that managed to make a trail down his face. Didn't notice that any clients in the shop when he started shouting were now gone. He only had his memories. "The Mad Titan had never been kind yet I'd rather face recompense for failing him then go back to Asgard knowing the man I once called father approved of my pain. My torture. They-" 

Loki shuttered and remembered who he was shouting at. Realized that the music had stopped playing in his merry little shop. He saw that he was alone with the man of iron and even if he wasn't he knew he shouldn't tell of his punishment. To say it, out loud, would only make everything more real. And that would make it all the worse. Instead he took a sip of his tea.

Tony didn't say anything for several minutes. He just watched as Loki regained his composure. When he thought it was finally safe to talk he said, "The coffee was good, I'll have to come back for another." He placed the empty green mug in front of Loki, a makeshift peace offering.


	3. Chapter 3

Tony decided to go back once he had some food and sleep under his belt. He figured that things would line up better if he could go five minutes without the world shifting out of focus. Also he knew he would need his wits this time, if he wanted to get answers. Full, thought out, true answers to go with fully thought out questions. Not the vague ranty answers that Loki gave when his emotions had bested him. 

He had Happy drop him in front of Tea and Potions ten minutes before the listed closing time. A bell he never noticed before jingled as Tony entered the empty shop. Though he supposed it wasn't completely empty, Loki was still there. Tony flipped the open sign so any perspective customers would think the place was closed. 

Loki smiled, the same forced smile as before. "You're back."

"Yep. And this time I'm going to ask some actual questions." Tony stepped up to the counter and leaned on it. "What do you mean my energy restraints only dampen what you can do?" He tried to make the question sound casual, like he didn't quite didn't care. Instead his anger was hidden just under the surface, as if he could punch the answer in to the open. 

Loki leaned away from him and actually smiled, for the barest hint of a second, at Tony's question. Relieved, it wasn't the question he had been fearing. "I'm fairly certain you just answered your own question. They restrain. It's a bit of a hindrance. But..." His eyes flashed. "If my legs were shackled together I would still be able to move. The same principle applies to your bracelets. The workings are hindered, not stopped completely." His fingers twitched slightly before he let himself rub at his left wrist as if trying to reassure himself. To make certain that the talk of shackles was in fact only talk. 

Tony squinted down at the silver bracelets, already making new calculations to improve their function. "Sooo." He jerked, lifting off the counter for a few moments so he could focus back on the questions at hand. "Why couldn't you go back to Asgard? Your cage. Wasn't it like some galactic timeout, time to think-"

Still holding his wrist, Loki could only tighten his grip. He barely realized when Tony had stopped talking when he noticed the blood under Loki's nails. Finally he let go. In fact the blood had only been a few drops. He couldn't bare to shed anymore. 

The shop was silent. No music, no kettle whistling, no pages turning. It was absolutely silent and Tony let it stay that way for a whole minute. Watched as Loki couldn't look away from his nails. Listening for any sign of a panic attack. Tony didn't know what to do. Or maybe he did and just didn't want to admit that the bag of cats was falling apart at the seams. Didn't want to admit he knew, at least in part, what must have happened on Asgard. 

A whole minute passed before he said, practically whispered, "What did they do to you?"

Instead of answering Loki let the music swell back to life. A cacophony of instruments ready to drown everything out. All it took was a flick of his wrist. The brackets allowed him that. And drowning was perfectly fine, preferable to all that blood. The burning. He turned way from Tony. But he could feel the eyes on his back. It was not preferable. So he turned back to face him. 

He didn't want to tell anyone what had happened. What Odin had allowed to happen. Even Fury didn't know, though he had asked practically every time he visited. Loki wanted to tell Frigga but that wasn't an option. Not now. Not ever again. 

He sighed and whispered just as Tony had. As if whispering would lessen what had happened, "The All Father wished for me to die. But Frigga would not allow him my death. Instead he sent me to live out my days in a cage. Enough magic to barely heal myself. He let me keep that much because to take all of my seidr would mean my death. He had my lips sown shut. My back whipped...there was so much blood. To much." Loki took a deep breath, in then out. In then out. He was fine. He had to be fine so he could finish. "They burned me. Bit by bit. Till every inch of my body was charred." In then out. "They left me alone. As if I was abandoned once more. Till I almost craved the fire once more. Wanted so badly for the pain to start anew." In then out. In then out. He wasn't shaking, much. "They kept me in darkness till Thor brought the light. And I thought I was burning once more. Could feel the knives cross my flesh. Pathetic."

It was quiet once more. And Tony could only say, "Does Asgard know you're here." As if he couldn't see the fear in Loki's eyes. Didn't notice the trembling, full body shudders. Or the scars that marked Loki's body. 

"No they don't. And I'd like to keep it that way." He made his hands stop trembling, "Please. I can't go back to that. I can't. I just...I can't."

Tony nodded. "Good. I didn't feel like having Sparky asking for something I couldn't help him do. If you haven't noticed I'm not a fan of torture. Yours or anyone else's." He watched watched as the shutters slowed. Till Loki looked less freaked out, less likely to run in search of the nearest smash able thing. "So, have any coffee left?"


	4. Chapter 4

Loki grabbed the largest cups he could. The first he filled with chocolate hazelnut coffee topped with a bit of whipped cream and caramel. The second he filled with chocolate mint coffee. He passed the first to Tony and took a small sip from his own. 

It was sweet, almost sickeningly so. Tony wasn't drunk enough for this or perhaps his sweet tooth wasn't as sweet as he had once thought. But he needed the caffeine and this cup would do the job as well as any other. 

Tony sat down on the chair closest to the counter. It was plush, practically a throne, and deep red. "I would think torture like that would leave some scars." He meant to say something light, a joke. Something that would and could keep Loki from having a panic attack. Not necessarily because he cared but because he needed to keep the city in one peace. At the very least it would help keep his own panic at bay. 

Loki made note of Tony's reaction to the coffee; next time chocolate or caramel instead of both. He had been thinking of possibilities, different coffee combinations he could make. Perhaps he could add a new pastry to the menu. But then Tony asked his question and Loki was forced once more from his calming thoughts. 

"Scars." Loki almost laughed, "Of course there are scars." But of course he didn't even come close to actually laughing. If anything he was one question closer to breaking. To losing himself completely. Loki had enough magic to hide the scars. So why would he ever bother to see them, look at them. They couldn't help him. All the scars ever did was tether him to a past he wished so desperately to forget. All they ever did was force him to remember that he was meant to die but instead he once again got to live. 

Loki placed his coffee on the counter and closed his eyes ever so tightly. 

Tony watched as a green light went over Loki's entire body. One second the man before him appeared to be like any other. The next it was clear the amount of torture he had been under. Parts of Loki's body were indeed charred. But even knowing what to expect, Tony certainly hadn't expected this. Fingers bent at angles only meaning that the bones were still broken. Flesh not just blackened but stretched too thin, patches and web lines of reds and pinks. Tony could make out the cuts just from how burnt they were. He turned away. 

Loki stood there, eyes still shut tight. It wasn't more or less painful without the illusion. At least not physically. It was always painful. Would always be painful. At least that's what he had suspected from the moment Fury placed the bracelets on his wrists. Eventually he managed to summon the courage to open his eyes. "Should I show you the rest?" He was almost proud by how steady his voice sounded. As if he couldn't trace the lines carved over his jotun markings from toe to forehead. As if he didn't blink wrong and have waking nightmares. "Would it make you feel better?" He almost started yelling, almost lost control. Instead he closed his eyes once more and took in a shuttering breath. 

When he opened his eyes once more Tony was looking at him. And Loki wished he was not. But instead of saying anything he forced his fingers to curl around the handle of the chipped mug he had picked to drink from. For a precious few seconds as he drank his face was hidden from view. But when he put the mug down Tony was still staring. 

Tony couldn't think what to say. What could he possibly say to the walking corpse in front of him? He knew Loki must be waiting for him to say something, anything. At the very least he should have answered Loki's question. Finally he managed, "Better?" How could anyone think that seeing this kind of damage, this torture, would be better. He cradled his coffee. "Is all that because of what you did to us?"

"No."

The reply was almost too quiet for Tony to hear. Yet his response had been just as quiet, "Put it back, Nymphadora."

"Put it back. All you have to say is put it back. As if I chose this. I wouldn't have...I never...I was perfectly content with dying. It would have been preferable. But instead my mother had to beg for leniency. As if this-" Loki spread his arms out and could see each bone move as he did so. "This is Asgard's leniency. And if I had not nearly died on Svartalfheim, if Thor and his lady love had not left me, this is what I would have returned to. If I got lucky a guard would have over anticipated my ability to heal and killed me. It would have been slow, certainly, long and drawn out. And either way no one would spare a passing glance for my body. The only person who would have cared is dead. And it's my fault." He could feel the tears. But still his voice did not tremble. He did not falter. "...Put it back. As if when it's not visible it did not happen." The green light covered his body once more and in a moment Loki looked healed. 

"You think you know torture, pain? I long for something as sweet as your pain, Anthony. You who must still have nightmares over what happened, what they did to you." Loki stepped around the counter and reached out to arc reactor. "At least you received time to heal your wounds." He looked Tony in the eyes, "You were allowed to fix yourself. Even if it was a small portion of the overall problem." He took a step back but didn't look away. "You'll be pleased to know your bracelets stop any of my more powerful workings, including any attempts I've made to heal these scars." Only then did Loki turn anyway from Tony. Only then did he feel brave enough to turn his back to the man. Or perhaps he wasn't being brave at all this time.


	5. Chapter 5

Tony finished off the sickeningly sweet coffee that only seemed sweeter after seeing the damage that had been done to the man before him. This time he thought about what he was going to say. But even as he started he wasn't sure if his words would be quite right. "Ya, I got to fix myself. Physically. Still working on the mental parts though. And I nearly died because this-" He tapped the arc reactor. "-is completely new tech. Something that had been trashed before developments could even take place for a large scale version. Before I had this I got the fucking wonderful experience of lugging a car battery around with me if I wanted to live. Oh, and when I got back from the cave and finally got off the car battery onto something a bit more my speed every model I made would kill me if given enough time. For months before I found the right elements and variants I thought I would have to choose my preferred way to die. Shrapnel. Poisoning. Alcohol poisoning. Shrapnel. The arc reactor only exists and works because I stumbled on a concept my father left for me." 

He shrugged and after drinking the final sip of his coffee Tony continued, "At least when you look in the mirror you can cover up what happened. You get to pretend nothing happened. Get to go to some random coffee shop and act normal. Don't have a glowing reminder that you should have died, could have died. Hell, you seem to be functioning better then me. Which is totally unfair-"

Loki gripped his coffee mug in a tighter and tighter grip till his knuckles turned bone white. He let go before the handle or Valhalla forbid the entire mug shattered. Placed the mug away from him on the counter and interrupted Tony. "I don't get to pretend nothing happened to me. This illusion functions in doing only two things. One, it doesn't scare my customers right out the door. It makes me approachable so I can make enough money to get by and live." He breathed in and out. He needed to stop slipping in his control. "Two, it helps me to stay sane. You see, an illusion can not block the pain. The pain is still there. The only things that are not there are the markings. Because if I had to see them every day, every second, I would relieve the actions that brought me here. This illusion is the only thing that makes me forget that my fath- that Odin Alfather burned me alive. Helps me forget, for mere seconds, that the only reason I'm alive is because Frigga begged for it to be so." He leaned on the counter and let out a breath he wasn't even sure if he had been holding in, "Maybe I am pretending. But I'm not pretending nothing happened. I'm pretending it happened differently. That maybe I'm still worthy of some form of love. At the very least I'm worthy of taking my next breath. Anthony, if anyone is meant to be dead it is me. I would gladly have died for what I did to this realm. Died trying to protect Thor and his mortal love. I could die right now if I willed it. But Frigga is dead. And the last thing she did for me was make sure I would live. So how could I possibly go against her wishes now?"

He went back to Tony and took the empty mug from him. He placed both Tony's and his own mug in the sink and washed them clean. As if it was the most important thing in all the realms. And yet for all that time neither of them spoke a single word. Loki and Tony thought over what they had said. What the other had said.

Finally Loki turned back to Tony, "If you think an illusion would help you cope I'm sure I could craft one for you."

And as Loki said what he had to say, Tony also decided he had something to say as well. "Are my bracelets actually stoping you from healing yourself?" 

Loki ran a wet hand through his hair to push it back off his face. He hadn't even realized that it had been obstructing his view. "Healing spells in of themselves are not all that difficult. However for a working of this scale and depth..." His words slipped into nothingness as he shook his head. "It matters not. None of it really does." Loki placed the mugs on a rack so they would be able to dry. He turned back to Tony, "Now if you have no objections I would ask you to leave. I would like to finish closing up shop for the night. Maybe I'll even get some sleep, though after all this that would be unlikely." He waved at the door as if that would move Tony out of his shop faster. Loki needed him out so he could stop talking. So he would be free to morn and react and gain control once again. He hadn't meant to say all that he had. It just sort of tumbled out into the open. He wasn't sure if he wanted to take all the words back. All he was sure about was his need to be alone in his shop. 

"I'll be going. See you soon." Tony slowly got out of his chair and made his way to the door. Soon enough he was gone. 

Once he was gone Loki let himself fall to the floor. And he let the tears flow as he took off the illusion for the second time that day.


	6. Chapter 6

Loki had a schedule to keep and he certainly wasn't going to let Tony change that. He had watched as the man walked out of his shop and he hoped on Yggdrasil it self that he would never come back. Of course Loki knew that Tony would come back, again and again most likely. But for the time being he was gone. And Loki was alone once more. 

As he straightened the chairs, noting how yet another one would need help in staying straight for whoever sat upon it, he kept the illusion off. He washed cups, getting out every last residual tea stain. He scraped bits of left behind coffee into little vials as if they were some precious thing. Loki cleared away the napkins and bits of left behind paper. He watched as his fingers twitched and the bones slipped out of place. He watched his skin stretch and pull. But eventually the store was in order once more. And he placed the illusion back upon his body feeling utter relief in doing so. But this time he left some of the scars stay, a few on the arms and fewer still on his hands. 

When Tony had left he was already doing the equations for new magic cuffs that could made. In the time it took Happy to pull up infront of the shop, Tony had tweaked bits and pieces till his head was spinning with possibility. He slipped in the car. Literally slipped, because he didn't have the mindset to keep watch on where he placed his feet. What mattered was the work.

Loki didn't sleep much that night. He had turned the lights off in his shop, made sure the door was locked up tight, and then checked everything again and again before heading to his rooms on the second floor. 

Tony didn't sleep at all that night. Instead he locked himself in his lab. He pulled out every spec and hologram Jarvis could find and soon enough every flat surface was covered in spare parts or old versions of Loki's restraints. It didn't help that he had no idea which variation was in use on Loki so all the work to modify them was slightly guess work. Not that he would have complained about that if anyone was around to complain to. Though after a bit of mumbling, Jarvis broke through Shield security and narrowed Tony's guess work. 

He couldn't sleep. Loki couldn't sleep even after a calm day so he had no clue why he had taken a shower and changed into pajamas. Didn't know why he had curled up into his bed as if he could just drift off into blissful slumber. He tossed and turned. He closed his eyes and saw bloody knives with too much blood. He flinched and made his eyes pop wide open only to try closing them to find worse images. 

Loki got out of bed when he couldn't stop seeing Frigga die. Of course he hadn't been there when she had passed. And no one had ever bothered to tell him exactly what happened. He decided it was worse not knowing. Because without the facts he would fill in his own and by this point he knew far too many ways to die. Could arrange the ways from least to most painful. Quickest to the most drawn out. And the images played one right after another after another. So he rolled out of bed and with a flick of his wrist instrumental music filled his rooms. 

Tony had his music on full blast. He bobbed his head to a personal playlist that Bruce absolutely refused to have in any lab he was set to work in. As if he could claim AC/DC would bring the Hulk out. Of course that meant when Tony went down to his own personal lab he would play his music at levels that both Pepper and Jarvis would disapprove of. But any thought of their disapproval quickly left his head as he picked up the pass of his work. Soon his motions were in perfect time with any and every guitar from his playlist. And all that mattered was the work. Nothing else. And certainly not the reason for the edits being made to his nearly perfect magic restraints. 

Violins and cellos filled Loki's bedroom. The ebb and flow calmed his mind enough so he could focus. And he moved in time to each measure. He danced, sort of. Starting with his hands and moving to his arms till eventually his whole body was moving in time to each swell of sound. A mixture of meditation and magical movement. Fingers bent in ways that some would say they were broken but he knew with a thought his seidr could be released so easily. He could feel it practically dancing along side him, inside him. Power, pure power. He lowered the music with another flick of his wrist and went to the kitchen. If he wasn't going to sleep he could at least do something productive. 

Jarvis said he had been his lab for the entire night. And Tony supposed that was why he was hungry and slightly tired. Of course that didn't mean he was going to go to bed. Instead he went up to the communal kitchen, grabbed some pancakes that Steve had been making, and went right back to work. The moment the pancakes were gone the sparks started flying once more. He knew that he would be done soon enough. Though he still wasn't quite sure why he felt the need to allow Loki the use of more of his magic. Of course he felt bad, who wouldn't. He could see how far the God had fallen. And it wasn't like Loki had been the most sane the last time they met. But Tony felt bad and knew he could help, it was his tech after all. But on the other hand, he couldn't or perhaps he shouldn't just hand over more power to the would be conqueror. Instead of letting his thoughts wander back and forth any longer he had Jarvis turn up the volume as high as his speakers would allow and he continued with the enhancements to the bracelets. 

Loki liked cooking. Sure it was so late that it was morning but cooking was like spell casting. It almost never mattered what time the steps were done. What mattered was following, most of, the steps the way they had been written. This late night cooking session he found himself working on a lemon bar recipe. Yes he already sold lemon bars in Tea and Potions but he felt they weren't quite right, at least not yet. As the tempo to his instrumental music picked up so did the pace of his own movements. Beside each batter he wrote the ingredients. Some had more butter, others had less flour. And by the time the sun rose he had made eight variations. Yet still he wasn't content with how any of them tasted. Perhaps he just didn't care for lemon squares anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

Time moved on as it tends to do. Loki answered the questions Fury flung his way. He kept his shop open later and later till he was only closing for two hours at a time. He drank till he was more tea than man. And his customers never seemed to question the times the barista would freeze in the middle of making their double shot of whatever. Loki got by. He shied away from thoughts of his past, the reasons why his body ached in all the wrong places. He covered up the scars and never let the illusion of normalcy leave his presence.

Loki acted mortal with only a few caveats. The music in his shop was controlled by magic instead of Internet radio. He slept significantly less than any human was meant to. Meaning he beat Tony's record of staying awake, not by hours but by days and even then he only really took what would be considered a nap. And as far as anyone could tell he wasn't eating. Though of course the regulars supposed that that was an overstatement; Loki was eating. He was eating more versions of lemon squares then most cared to count. He nibbled on leftovers customers left behind. He ate junk. But since the regulars were the only ones there long enough to notice, Loki's eating habits weren't considered a problem.

Tony on the other hand seemed to be handling life a bit better. He broke through layer upon layer of data to get to any and all files Shield had on Loki. He spent hours in his lab making and remaking magic related tech. Some was meant to cut use of magic off entirely. But for the most part he was in the business of making magic reducers, energy restraints. He made bracelets, necklaces, anklets, even a prototype for a ring that were meant to restrain various energy signatures. In between such breakthroughs Tony ate and slept. Jarvis had seemed overly proud when Tony had woke after several hours of sleep. He had a goal, something to focus his actions around. He wanted to make something to help Loki. It scared him. But what worried him far more was how much he actually wanted to help the maniac.

Though if anyone had bothered to ask the rest of the Avengers how they thought Tony was doing they would have sounded less than pleased. They barely saw him. They weren't allowed to know what he was working on, merely that he was in actual fact working on something. And if Jarvis could be trusted, in most cases he could be, Tony was eating. Which was the only good thing the Avengers were sure of. They couldn't know if he was getting enough sleep, not when sleep was still defined as "just resting my eyes." They didn't know if he was even showering. Though Bruce assured everyone that a shower had been put in; that never meant that it would be used. He also said that a mattress had been put in but no one actually believed that Tony would stop work long enough to actually use it. So really all they could believe was that Tony was eating. And not just the odd nuts and berries he seemed to hide everywhere. He was actually eating. Clint could see the wrappers from his place in the vent, before Jarvis had found him and promptly evicted him to the roof.

Loki ran his shop, the coffee and tea flowed nearly all the time. Lyrics, that he assumed were popular considering how he could watch some customers singing along, played just loud enough in the background. He learned to sing along as well, though often he chose not to. He worked till he felt calm. He worked till he felt normal. Loki stayed in his shop for days talking and listening to people who barely knew of pain. And after awhile he forgot to worry about the possibility of Tony Stark bursting back into his piece of life. He didn't freeze nearly so often. Days passed him by and he did not worry that Odin Alfather would drag him back to his cell. Of course the worries didn't leave. He still shook if the door slammed shut. He knew Tony and his questions would return soon enough. Some days he was ready for them. Others he wished to hide under the counter. He bled under the illusions. And sometimes he couldn't remember where he was or when he was. Sometimes he would feel the urge to scream bloody murder. Very rarely he acted on impulse and any customers in the shop turned to him. They worried. But he worried more. He kept going. Kept trying to simply live this life he had been given. He figured that it was what Frigga would have wanted him to do.

Tony took everything he had. Correction, he took every energy restraint he had. He loaded them into bags and boxes ever so carefully. Making sure that no part could bash into any other. Then he took them one by one to the car waiting to take him back to Tea and Potions. It had been weeks since he had first seen Loki, first been in that coffee shop. And according to Jarvis he hadn't been out of the lab for at least two weeks. He figured since it was nearly October it would be the perfect time to stop by the witchy shop. Never mind the fact that he was practically dying for a cup of nearly gourmet coffee. Sure he had plenty of coffee makers in the tower never mind the three he had in his lab. But the coffee from them tasted different. It had been two weeks and he needed coffee from the proper source. And now he would finally have some. Coffee and the social interaction that Jarvis kept not so subtly hinting that Tony needed.


	8. Chapter 8

This time when Tony entered Tea and Potions he was ready. He didn't feel any fear at the sight of Loki being so near. He didn't worry for the innocent people in the shop; he knew they were as safe as they would be anywhere else. He had a bag slung across his shoulder. The rest waited in the car. He was ready to show what he had made. He hoped, no he knew, that at least one would work as it was meant to. Tony stepped up to the counter and smiled. 

This time Loki didn't freeze upon setting eyes on Tony Stark. Of course his smile faltered. And perhaps, though he was loathe to admit it, his voice wavered. Today Loki was prepared to answer the questions. He knew he would handle whatever would happen. So by the time Tony stepped up to the counter Loki had his order at the ready. He hoped, no Loki knew, that Tony would like this more than what he had tasted the last time he had been in the shop. 

Tony stepped up to the counter and was surprised by the fact a mug was already awaiting him. It was the chipped cup from Beauty and the Beast but on a much larger scale. And next to it rested two scones on a plate that looked to be made out of wood. "How much?"

"Let's say an even eight."

Tony handed over a ten dollar bill and refused to take the change that Loki tried to give him. 

Loki eventually accepted the money and put it safely into the cash register. He pushed the plate a bit closer to Tony and gave a small, timid looking smile. But his hand didn't flinch, his fingers didn't twitch. And the music continued to play at just the right volume. He reached under the counter and took out his sign: The argr will return soon. 

Tony shifted his bag so it rested more comfortably on his left shoulder. He grabbed his coffee in one hand and the scones with the other. He showed himself to a chair with a slightly matching table. Meaning that the chair was high backed and black. The table was just a bit too grand, the silver top driven to a shine that was a shade too bright. And the chair across from him was surely meant to stay in the dump it had been taken from. It was missing an arm rest and some of the stuffing was falling to the floor even as he watched. 

Loki arrived before Tony had a chance to regret his choice of table too much. He sat down with a mug only slightly smaller than Tony's. It was filled to the brim with the darkest shade of amber that could only belong to tea. The music swirled as he sat down, shifting from some vaguely popular girl singing about love into a cacophony of vaguely Nordic sounding instruments. 

The table seemed to shake just a bit when Tony placed his bag atop it. He unzipped it and reached inside for the bracelet he wanted to try first. Placing it on the table between them he let it sit there for a few seconds before he couldn't resist any longer. "These should let allow you more access to your magic."

Tony continued saying something but Loki didn't hear any of it. All he heard was that first sentence. And a part of him was relieved, as if he was actually going to be allowed a little more freedom. As if they would consent to letting him have the power necessary to sew himself a little bit closer to normal. The larger part of him only knew fear. For how would anyone allow him more power. Allow him more of a chance to lash out and destroy everything and anything that could lay in his unfortunate path. 

Loki didn't even realize he was holding his mug till it shattered in his hands. He had gripped it too tightly and he only realized what had happened when Tony stopped talking. It wasn't that he had been listening, not really. He hadn't heard a word. But the absence of what had been there only seconds earlier allowed him to jerk from the recesses of his mind. And he saw the shards dripping in his hands. Seeing blood instead of tea. Feeling lukewarm fire instead of lukewarm fire. He was shattering. 

Tony hadn't realized that Loki wasn't listening, not really. He went on and on about the bracelet on the table between them. How he hoped it would let Loki heal and of course it would because "Everything I touch always works" and "I have run more scans on this bracelet then I thought possible." And once he started on the mechanics of the thing he got that glassy look to his eyes that meant his thoughts were far ahead of even what he was saying. But then he heard something shatter. Of course that didn't always work to derail his thoughts but almost magically this time it did. He watched as tea dribbled across the table, down one of the legs, how it collected on Loki's fingertips. 

He was shaking. Loki was shaking and he couldn't find it in himself to stop. Couldn't even try. Finally he managed to at least look away from his hands. Look away from the blood, no he tried to remind himself, it's only tea. He looked to Tony. His voice was eerily steady despite the fact he was still trembling, "Why?"

"Because-"

Tony wasn't given a chance to explain before Loki found his will to rant. His voice was still steady but broke throughout his speech. "Why must you lie. As if that bag of yours isn't filled to the brim with more restraints for me to try on like a good little pet. A perfect runt of a monster. I am meant to trust that they won't burn me deeper, contort me past the breaking point. Meant to believe that you are truthful. You who say they are meant to help me. Am I truly meant to believe that? Meant to believe what is most definitely another lie. You don't care to help me. Very few ever do, you certainly are not one of them. So why must you lie about it, lie about this. False hope. As if anyone would give me the chance to try and sew myself into some semblance of normal. As if I would ever be trusted long enough to try. I'm the god of lies so don't try and lie to me. It won't work. Not again."


	9. Chapter 9

Tony didn't move a muscle. He barely dared to breathe. Instead he watched as Loki fell apart. And of course he knew what was happening. He had experienced it himself enough to know; Loki was having a panic attack. He listened to the spew of words that never seemed to end and he was vaguely impressed. When Tony had an attack he couldn't breathe, could barely communicate, let alone have a full on monologue. Yet that was what Loki was doing. And Tony could only sit there, impressed. 

"It's cruel. Dangling my magic in front of me like I'm some child. Meant to believe that I've been good enough to earn it. When according to most I've never been good enough, certainly not lately, not now. Cruel of you to come here when I'm finally...coping. As if you're some savior. As if I deserve saving. Knight in armor, though it seems you have come without the armor. I don't. I don’t deserve help, or salvation, or compassion. I deserved to die but we can't allow that anymore. I deserve a cage considering most would categorize me a monster. And they would be right. Monster. Pathetic. Weakling. Runt. All I've ever been is nothing. And not even you would try to save something that is nothing."

Now Tony made attempts to interrupt. Which only caused Loki to get louder. Tony tried to reach out. Which made Loki violently shutter. All he could do was sit there and listen. 

Eventually Loki stood up. His body tense, shoulders stiff, and fists clenched. He still saw the tea as blood and he wasn't sure whose it was meant to be. He couldn't breathe. And he wasn't certain it was necessary to try. He started to cry. Not the single tear that even Asgard would consider manly. Not a watering of the eyes. He was full on sobbing and he didn't know what to do. 

"Pathetic," Loki still managed to degrade himself. "Nithing," he wasn't even trying to talk to Tony. His words weren’t meant for anyone but himself. "It's a wonder the Alfather kept you at all." He turned away. Mumbling, "Mewling quim, of nothing and no one. Why should anyone care. A fool for thinking anyone would. Fool for thinking he would try. You don't deserve help, not after everything you did. Everything you are. He'll only hurt you. It's what they do. You deserve it. Pathetic."

Tony only got to hear snippets of what Loki was saying but he knew it wasn't good. He stood up seconds after Loki and walked after him. He tried harder to interrupt but Loki seemed to be past any and all attempts to break him out of this attack. Instead Tony went back the few steps to the table. He picked up the bracelet and went to stand in front of Loki. He put his left hand out to stop Loki from going any further away. He held up the bracelet in his other hand. "Hey, Tall, Dark, and Gloomy, I'm not- I just. You're not pathetic." He yelled. Tony knew that he shouldn't but after hearing Loki mutter 'pathetic' one more time he couldn't just keep standing there. 

Loki wasn't quite aware that someone was in front of him till they yelled. He couldn't think where he was let alone when he was. So when when heard someone yell at him a voice in his head said that it must be the Alfather. He trembled harder. Not certain if the yelling was about something he had done or something had been meant to do. 'Bring about an alliance, bring about permanent peace.' 'Your birthright was to die as a child.' 'Why can't you be more like Thor?' 'You were an innocent child.' Loki fell to his knees as the voices reverberated in his head. 

Loki had stopped talking. He had stopped yelling or ranting. Tony couldn't tell if he was even breathing. But when he fell to his knees Tony went down too. 

Tony placed the bracelet between them. Though by this point he realized that Loki's qualms probably weren't completely entangled with it. He whispered sweet nothings hoping that something would break through. Not sure if Loki would want to be touched he decided to keep his hands to himself. He just kept talking. And people around them finished their drinks as if nothing was happening. As if all this was normal. He wondered if perhaps it was. 

The voices stopped talking so terribly loud. Some of them even seemed to go completely away. And Loki started breathing a bit easier. The trembling continued. 

He hadn't been certain whether Loki had been breathing or not. But Tony was certain of when Loki started breathing easier. And he just kept talking hoping that maybe it was working, "You're okay. Loks, you're gonna be okay. Just keep breathing. In and out. I saw you do it before. Come on, in then out. You're okay."

The trembling started to recede as Loki began breathing easier. The voices were all but gone. And he could finally hear what Tony was saying. Though it was near on impossible to believe any of it. He made to stand up but the whole world seemed to spill away from him the second he tried. So he settled back down. 

Tony stood up, his knees feeling like they would give out any minute. He went to the table, grabbed the plate of scones, and sat back down on the floor across from Loki. Sat not kneeled, he wasn't going to make that mistake ever again. 

Loki closed his eyes and took in a few more steadying breaths. When he opened them he looked directly at Tony, "I'm...sorry. I thought-" In then out. "I thought I could handle things today. I suspect that was simply another lie." He gripped his wrist till he could feel his bones creaking with the strain. It calmed him. It made him focus on the here and now. "Stark, I ask that you never play such games with me in the future."

Tony almost laughed. "I wasn't playing any games."

"Call this what you will. A game, a lie, a prank, a falsehood. It does not matter. You are not here to help me."

This time Tony knew how to stop him, "Here." He handed Loki one of the scones. "I'm sure you haven't eaten since you came into work. You need to eat. And as you do that, Darling, I'm going to explain some things. 

Loki took the scone and started to nibble on it as Tony continued with his explanation. He wasn’t certain what he could believe. And he didn’t really want to listen to what Tony had to say. However he was hungry and he was tired and he just wanted things to slow down for a few moments. So Loki let Tony take over for however long it would take to eat the scone he had been given. 

"I didn't come here to hurt or trick you. Ever since I left here last time I've been working on bracelet after bracelet. I'm hoping one of these will help you be able to live. You don't have to try them on or anything really. I just..." Tony shrugged and took a rather large bite out of his own scone. "Wow this is...actually good. Anyway, I thought that covering your problems isn't really helping you. And that melt down you just had kind of proves that. But if you had even a little more leeway in what you can do you might have a better chance at coping." He took another bite of the scone and let Loki take in what he said. But this time he was ready for any panic that may happen. This time Tony was ready to stop him from spiraling down a dark and harmful path.


	10. Chapter 10

Clint had been the only Avenger to get visual confirmation on how Tony had been doing for the past several days. And in the grand scheme of things he hadn't seen much. Several wrappers and boxes that hinted that Tony had eaten more than blueberries. And wires. Every surface had seemed to be covered in metal, wires, cords, or any combination of half finished tech. Just before Jarvis shooed him away he caught sight of a sleeping space that looked as if it had been used. Of course, tossed about blankets didn't necessarily mean sleep. So Clint couldn't be sure when Tony had last slept much less how much sleep the man had gotten. 

Bruce had caught a glimpse of Tony right before he entered the lab. Bruce tried to say something but Tony hadn't seemed to notice. Tony had simply passed him by as if they had been strangers in the street. 

Steve made Tony waffles. It had been so late at night that it was considered morning. The sun wasn't shining. The birds weren't tweeting. Not that Steve would have been able to hear them either way. Tony didn't particularly like the sound of birds in the morning so he had made certain the sound couldn't permeate the building. In fact most sound couldn't travel far in the building. It was quiet almost too quiet. And of course Steve would notice things like how far each sound would travel at 4:32am. Of course he would be up and making waffles, that would be ready for anyone who found them. Of course he worried about Tony but he wasn't going to live his life marking the man's every move. So he was pretty much the only one in the whole tower who didn't worry when Tony disappeared into his lab. 

Natasha wasn't one for sitting around. She could of course, especially when she wanted to. She just found that being active was more fun. In most cases it suited her better. So several times a day or night she would try and break into the lab. Sometimes trying to bribe her way past Jarvis with a tray of cheeseburgers. Other times she tried to pick the lock, so to speak. But neither way had gotten her into Tony's lab. And all she ever saw was him practically bouncing from table to table doing whatever it was he had been trying to do. 

If one didn't count Clint's vantage point from the air ducts, Pepper always got the closest to getting into Tony's lab. Sometimes she even managed to get in. Though Clint didn't like to count those times because Tony had been so out of it Jarvis would have let anyone in to check on him. And of course there was the rather small detail of her not being a member of The Avengers so her involvement in the game didn't matter. Everyone else contested that point. pepper was involved in Tony's life and therefore was a crucial part of the game. Nat reasoned that Clint was only upset because Pepper had beaten him at his own game. 

Jarvis had to tell them when Tony left the lab. According to his coding it wasn't completely necessary. But to end the little game the rest of the tower seemed to have it was more then necessary, it was the only way to get them to stop worrying. Jarvis really had no other choice, he told them the game was over, Tony actually went outside. 

When Tony had left for Tea and Potions with his army of bags, Natasha had been out for a walk. Of course she had been profiling people as she passed them. And she had been planing another attempt to get into the lab. But then just like always the game ended. Jarvis said Tony went out for coffee. He said Tony was out for coffee near her location. So she did what any of the other Avengers would have done. She decided to make a detour on her walk and head over to Tea and Potions. 

Natasha had meant to surprise Tony. Maybe get a tea or a cookie. She certainly hadn't meant to be the one getting surprised but that's what happened. She opened the door, heard the quiet little jingle it made. And the second both feet were off the threshold she saw them. Loki and Tony kneeling on the floor. Kneeling in the middle of this sort of run down looking coffee shop. Yet she seemed to be the only one noticing anything. 

She carefully made her way to a table far enough away so they wouldn't take note of her. Yet Natasha was close enough to hear snippets of what was happening. 

She could understand what was happening. Of course Natasha could understand that Tony seemed to be helping Loki through an anxiety attack. That what he was doing was somehow working. She understood that he called Loki darling as if that was a normal thing for him to do. What Natasha couldn't understand was why any of it was happening. She stood up without a sound and walked back toward the door. Before she left she turned, took a quick picture on her phone, and sighed. If anyone was going to sleep with the enemy it was meant to be Stark. She just wished it hadn't been this enemy. As she walked back to the tower she sent the picture to every Avenger with the message: We have a problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to college on Friday and I'm not certain how much I'll be able to write. I hope that I can keep up as I've been (at least a chapter a week). But here is a quick chapter just in case...
> 
> Also I was inspired to write this chapter so I guess I'm just making excuses for writing two chapters in two days.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading.


	11. Chapter 11

One by one the Avengers received Natasha's text. None could say they were surprised by Tony's actions. However most were rather shocked to see Loki in the picture. Most were unprepared to see Loki as anything but a cold and lifeless corpse. 

As far as Clint had been concerned, Loki was dead. As in, body left behind on some random planet that he never needed to hear about ever again. As in never coming back. Dead as in, Clint didn't need to worry if his heart or mind would be snatched away. Now he had visual evidence that everything about Loki's death had just been a lie. And Clint wasn't happy about it. 

As for Bruce, he didn't really care that Loki was back. Which meant he cared more for Tony's safety, his possible insanity, then the fact Loki was in a position where he could cause harm to innocents. The only thing that mattered would be to rescue Tony from any harm he may have to face. 

Steve just felt bad. Other than Natasha he had been the only Avenger to know of Loki's return to Earth. And it wasn't that he was fine with the prospect of coexisting with Loki. He was fine with knowing that Loki was in his corner of the world. Fine with knowing that Loki had little reason to do much of anything. Yet now the worlds would be colliding once more and he actually felt a little bad for Loki. Because he didn't just see the villain. Steve saw a man kneeling, crying, before Tony in an open place. He saw someone who was lost and alone with nothing much left to lose. And Steve knew that Loki's problems were only bound to grow as the rest of his team found out the truth. 

They all gathered on the top floor of Avengers Tower. Most arrived quickly seeing as they had already been in the building when they received the text. It was not quiet. Voices jumping from loud to louder as Steve let things slip and Clint got more and more enraged. 

Finally Natasha walked in. And she looked calm, as if there was absolutely no problem that she needed to help deal with. As if she hadn't even received the text even though she herself had sent it. She gave the barest hint of a smile and sat down with her legs crossed. 

"As you could see we have a problem. Loki has been on Earth, living here for sometime. He's been giving information to Shield. Or more accurately he has been giving information to Fury. In exchange he has been living a rather quiet life-"

Clint interrupted her. "You knew about this. How long have you known about this?"

Natasha tried to get back on topic, "I've known for as long as Fury deemed it necessary for me to know. The problem now is that Stark found him. And they seem to have formed a bond of some sort."

The team went back and forth accusing one another for knowing for not knowing. Clint was upset and made everyone know by just how much. Bruce had to leave the room several times. 

But the worst reaction was Thor's. Natasha hadn't quite realized that Thor would receive the picture to his phone. She had meant to send it to the entire team. However this wasn't the sort of reveal she wanted to give to Thor. And it was with good reason she should have found a better way than by text. 

Thor burst through the floor to ceiling windows, breaking practically every single one. And though it had been a perfectly sunny day to start with, by the time he was in the tower it was raining in full force. His hammer was out. Electricity in his eyes. And anyone with a thought in their head had the sense to get out of his way. 

He held up the phone and surprisingly calm said, "What is the meaning of this?"

When no one answered him right away Thor gripped the phone tighter. This time he yelled, "What is the meaning of this."

"Thor," Natasha talked in her most placating voice, "Loki isn't dead. He tricked you-"

"Then why was I only informed of his trickery now? Why did you not tell me sooner? Why did he not come to me himself?"

Steve walked past Natasha and put a hand on Thor's shoulder. He could feel the electricity that could strike him at any moment. But he kept his hand there. "Thor, it was one of his terms. Not that he had been in much of a position to ask. But none the less he asked it and it was one of the things Fury granted him." Steve could feel the electricity getting stronger, ready to strike him down. He removed his hand and continued. "He asked that his status be a secret. He wished for people to believe that he was still dead."

Clint cut in, sarcastically, "As if he has reason to fear for his life or something."

Natasha gave him a look that if it didn't kill it sure would maim. But of course he chose not to look her way. Instead Clint kept on talking, "I for one am glad that he's back. That he's here. On Earth. You want to know why I'm so happy? Well I'm going to tell you. I'm happy because now I get a chance to kill that sick freak myself. And I'll make sure he's actually dead before I leave the body."

Before he was even finished Thor started going toward Clint. He dropped Thor with a crash when he was half way there. But before he could even throw one punch, Steve stopped him. 

Steve stepped in front of Thor. He put his hands out and pushed with all his might. 

And miraculously Thor stopped. But he was still tense. Body still trembled. Mjolnir flew back to his hand and it crackled. Thor stared directly at Clint, "If you," he looked around the room making eye contact with everyone, "or anyone else lay a hand on my brother you will not live long after." 

Thor backed away from Steve and looked to Natasha, "Lady Natasha, would you be so kind as to tell me where my brother is?"

She wasn't sure if she should. Natasha wasn't sure what would happen if she did. But she did know she didn't want to die because she didn't say an address. So she gave him a smile and said, "He works at Tea and Potions. He practically lives there and it's only three blocks from here. I could show you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this just before I had to go to my first ever college class!


	12. Chapter 12

Thor didn't bother to stop and think. 

Tony had left. He had said that he needed to get back to the tower. Said something about some text that sounded important. Something that sounded like his team was staging an intervention. But it wasn't like he was going to get out of it anytime soon. He wondered what part of his personality they would be picking apart now. Of course he made sure Loki ate a bit more. Made Loki drink a cup of tea, it had seemed to soothe him before. Tony cared, he didn't know how or when he had had started. But he cared and he worried and he didn't want Loki to fall apart once he was alone once more. Yet, Tony still left despite his struggle on whether or not he should. 

If thor had bothered to slow down, maybe he would have handled his arrival at Tea and Potions a bit better. He could have slowed down. Possibly walked through the door like any mortal would. He could have seen Loki at a place of almost contentment. 

Loki felt drained. The second Tony had left, all his strength had seemed to snap out of him. Though he supposed that could just be an after affect of the yelling he had been doing. Just another affect of falling apart at the seams. He went to autopilot. He cleaned up the tables. Moved his sign to the side and started to take orders. He started to feel normal, or at least he started to feel less curled in on himself, less broken. 

But Thor never had been known for slowing down and it would have been a foolish time to start. His brother needed him. If anything he was moving faster then normal. A few had to practically jump out of his way to escape getting accidentally trampled. And Natasha very nearly had to run behind him. Every so often she would tell him to turn. Or watch out for the unsuspecting car. Other then that she just tried to keep up. 

The door swung open. Except for the fact that it didn't swing, it crashed into the wall in a way that meant it was most likely going to be stuck for some time. The bell jingled. Except for the fact that it was ripped from its hanger and flew just past an unsuspecting couple. The shop that had finally begun to feel like home, or more accurately, sanity was struck once more. And all Loki could do was stand behind the counter as another metaphorical storm entered. Stand shaking from head to toe as if that could be his armor. As if he didn't fear the thought of his lie of a brother let alone the factual man that had entered. He didn't run, though apart of him wanted to. He didn't cry, though he definitely wished to. Instead Loki stood behind his counter hoping beyond hope that Thor would simply leave. 

Thor didn't notice the bell or the door or the couple. And he most certainly wasn't going to leave anytime soon. Instead he walked closer and closer till he stood face to face with his brother. His not dead brother. And he smiled. The biggest smile he could, the kind that seemed brighter then any star. He stood there, smiling, waiting for Loki to say something. Anything. 

Loki didn't know what was expected of him. So he stayed shaking. Just barely managing to stay upright. He stared and stared and stared till his eyes begin to water. Yet he still refused to blink. To blink would be to release the tears and even if it was only one or two he knew they wouldn't stop. And he couldn't cry. Not now. Not now, with Thor in front of him. Most likely ready to kill him. To swing that damnable hammer and cave his skull in. Ready to burn him, freeze him, rip him limb from limb. Loki retreated to the furthest corners of his mind. As if his darkest recesses could help him. As if images of torture left done and undone could protect him from his Not Brother. 

Thor didn't understand why Loki was merely standing there. He expected a fight. He had expected a warm reunion. Actually he wasn't really sure what he had expected but it certainly hadn't been this. Thor reached out and placed a hand on Loki's shoulder. "Brother I..." He couldn't think of what he wanted to say. Couldn't think what he was meant to say. So instead of talking, the two brothers ended up standing in silence. 

Eventually Natasha had to step in. She whistled, long and sharp. It was the kind of whistle that got everyone's attention. Which included the attention of Loki and Thor. And the attention of everyone else in the store. Which meant everyone had their eyes on her. But she figured it was fine since both Thor and Loki had bothered to move. Loki had even seemed to slow some of his shaking. Natasha smiled and said, "Would you find us a table. I think we need to talk."

Loki forced the smallest of smiles to flit across his face. He quickly grabbed up an assortment of various sweets and three mugs. He placed them all on a tray along with a recently made pot tea. Once everything was settled, Loki stepped out from behind the counter and lead Natasha and Not Brother to the slightly hidden table behind the pile of books. He tried to calm down. He tried to make it feel like he was surfing just another customer. But it didn't feel the same, how could it. When he was very nearly certain that this conversation would end before it even had a chance to begin. Before he even had a chance to explain himself. And he supposed it didn't really matter. A quick death, any death, was what he most likely deserved. It would be just for his Not Brother to be the one to set the final blow. He only wished that he would be allowed a moment to get his customers out of the shop. A moment to spare them. A moment to apologize, even if in the end it never really mattered.


	13. Chapter 13

Loki set the tray down onto the table and flinched as its clatter filled up his head. He couldn't figure out how to force his legs to move so he could sit. Couldn't force his hands away from the edges of the tray. And he couldn't seem to breath in any sense of the word normal. In actual fact he wasn't breathing. And he still hadn't blinked. Loki just stood there. As if staying completely still could freeze time forever.

Thor and Natasha sat down at the table. Thor sat with his back facing the restaurant. Not having to worry about any impending doom. And Natasha sat with her back to the wall. Since she had been trained to always protect her back.

That left Loki with the final chair. The chair that kept his back to his books and he breathed a slight sigh of relief. Though he didn't bother trying to take in another breath. And it probably wasn't even a breath of relief. More like a sigh of thanks that he would have a chance to die a little more comfortable than he ever thought he would. He sat down. Making up his mind that he was ready. That he would accept his fate. That this was what was meant to happen and standing still wasn't going to stop anything.

Natasha decided it was best for her to just sit there. Loki wasn't her brother. And Thor had been the one so ready to talk. So if this was what he wanted she would let him have it. She picked up a brownie and took a small bite. At least she would get something good out of all of this.

Loki looked down at his hands. It was easier. He could imagine that his Not Brother wasn't there in front of him. Could imagine that his world wasn't falling apart. He laughed. And it sounded like glass breaking, like hope lying dead in the coffin. His world was always falling apart. So what use was it to even imagine his world in one piece. He realized he still wasn't breathing. At the same time he realized, he was still laughing. Loki stopped.

Thor took the only double chocolate chip cookie off the plate and smiled. As if that movement of muscle could lighten the mood. It didn't. So instead he took a bite of the cookie. Crumbs falling into the unprotected table he said, "This cookie is amazing."

Which almost made Loki feel proud. Actually it did make him feel proud. Proud enough to speak up ever so quietly, "I make everything myself."

Thor smiled wider and took another larger bite.

Loki remembered to take in a breath. Then another and another. He finally worked up the nerve to speak up. "Thor if I'm for the ax then for mercy's sake just swing it." He refused to look up. To see the smile slip from his Not Brother's face.

If Loki had looked up he would indeed have seen the smile slip from Thor's face. But he stopped smiling not because it was time to put an end to Loki. He stopped smiling because he didn't have any intention of killing his brother and couldn't understand why Loki would think so. After several seconds of silence he spluttered out, "Brother...I'm not...you're not. I just wanted to talk."

"What could you possibly want to talk about?" Loki finally looked up. His right hand snatched a mug from the tray. The inside had once been perfectly white meant to match its outside but now it was ringed in every shade of brown of tea once drank. And he filled it up once more. Till all the rings were hidden and the white mug looked perfect, unblemished, once more.

"We thought you dead. We...I mourned you. I just want to know why you lied. Why you felt it necessary to hide yourself away. Tell me, please." Thor ate the last bit of his cookie to stop himself from asking any and all questions that he had. Once that one was gone he picked up another cookie, one that was obviously less chocolatey but just as delicious.

Loki tensed up till he could feel the wounds on his back start to spasm. Till he felt what was either blood or just the imaginings of past memories. He didn't notice the tears that slowly traveled down his face. He just sat there clutching his imperfect mug, wishing everything to be perfect. But he couldn't even think of a time where anything was slightly okay. So Loki focused on what Thor had said. Till those words echoed in his head and they almost lost there meaning.

"Why didn't you come back home?"

Thor's latest question barged into Loki's head and he was compelled to answer. Answer or burst. Answer or cease to exist. And though he felt prepared to die he knew he didn't want to simply disappear for lack of answering a question. He didn't think over his answer. It seemed like everything else he lost control and the words ran out. "Home. Home? As if I could call that thrice accursed realm my home. After what I suffered."

"You killed people."

"As if I ever had a single choice in the mater."

"They had been innocent. You came-"

"I came here because He made it so. Because He had broken me enough. And I regret giving in. Because now I can't close my eyes without seeing Him, or Odin, or any Aesir who laid their hands on me. I can't go several hours without forgetting where I am. Every second, every breath is a punishment. I should have died when I let go. Instead He found me. Twisted my mind and body till I was more than willing to kill all the wrong people. And you never even stopped to think if I was acting like myself. Instead you sent me to stand before Odin without a second glance. You left me there!"

"Father did-"

"What he did without even hearing what I had to say. Didn't ask if I had a single regret. Didn't care. Because why would anyone care about the jotun scum, the argr nithing." Now Loki noticed the tears that were a steady stream across his face. Noticed that at least a few of the wounds on his back actually had reopened, could feel his shirt getting heavy with his blood. He let his glamour drop. "This is Asgard's justice, Thor. This-" Loki raised his arms till every mark and burn could been seen. "-is why I can't go home. I have none to go back to." He smiled and it was so terribly similar to the sort of smile when he had attacked Midgard, when his mind wasn't completely his. He shuttered at the thought and let his arms drop. He let his smile drop. "Now you see me, brother. Are you satisfied?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took longer to write then I thought it would. College has been pretty good and so far I'm doing okay. But since this is school I keep forgetting that time has passed. Honestly I don't even know what day it is right now so I kind of keep forgetting to write. But I'm going to try and remember. I'm going to keep writing and I will finish this story...eventually.  
> As for right now, I'm just going to enjoy the writing of each chapter and see where it leads me.  
> Hope you are still enjoying it. I know I am. 
> 
> Thank you!


	14. Chapter 14

"Satisfied?" Thor stuttered, unsure of what Loki even wanted him to say. "Of course I'm not...I didn't. Norns, what happened?" He couldn't seem to take in what was before him. Wished ever so desperately for all of this to be another one of his brother's tricks but he knew it wasn't. Somehow he knew that this brutality was real and he wanted it to just go away. 

Loki let the illusion fall back upon him and sat down in his chair. He took a sip of his tea. And then he took another and another. For the first time in days he felt calm, steady, in control. He only payed attention to the tea and to what Thor would have to say. He even almost smiled. 

The second Loki went back to looking normal, Thor felt a bit better. But he kept looking, kept seeing in his mind's eye what was actually there. The cuts and burns, the extent of which shouldn't have been possible. No wonder Loki had run. No wonder he had rather die then keep on living, kept making that same choice over and over. Now Thor did cry. He cried with reckless abandon. "I'm sorry."

Loki flinched. He hadn't expected sympathy, tears, or concern. He had expected his Not Brother to lash out. Thor always had been known to go into a berserker rage and Loki had meant for his Not Brother to slip into one. Had thought that Thor would see this truth as yet another lie and strike him where he sat. But Loki was still breathing, still living, and Thor was only crying. As if he meant to fix this with tears instead of fighting. Loki laughed and this time it did t sound nearly so broken. This time his laughter was the wind in the trees, memory of a past that could have been. Loki set his teacup down and laughed till Thor stopped crying. 

"How can you be laughing?"

"Because this is the most absurd thing I've seen in weeks. The great and golden Thor weeping over Asgard's justice. You've become even softer than I thought."

"And what am I meant to do? I'm I meant to rejoice at your suffering. Brother, I never thought...never meant for this to happen. Punishment, yes. But I thought the worst thing Odin would do to you was put you in prison."

"This was prison." Loki took in a breath and then another to steady himself. He had to remember where he was. Had to remember that he wasn't still there. "Perhaps I was given special treatment. Or perhaps Odin lied once more." Loki traced the chain links that lined his wrists and let them appear for a brief moment, "These were from Him, just after my fall." Thicker marks replaced those, deeper and darker, "Asgard when they still dreamed me worthy of fighting their justice." Thin white marks replaced those, "He branded these upon me when I almost got away." 

Loki let go of his wrist and let all those marks fade far away. He let his illusion fall off of his hands, let them appear as they always were, broken and bloody. "He didn't like when I fought back." He let one of his eyes become a milky red, "Asgard doesn't seem to approve of my being a frost giant any more then I thought they would." His eyes went back to normal and all his burns appeared across his body, "these I got from various places. Frost giants have such a terrible reaction to being burned, everyone seems to want a chance to see the sight." 

Thor wanted to look away. But he didn't, couldn't. He owed his brother this much, at the very least. His stomach churned and for the first time in years he was almost certain he would retch. But for now he held the urge back because Loki deserved him to hear everything he wished to share. 

Loki shuddered and let his true form show; all the cuts, burns, whip lashes, the dulled eyes, the broken bones. He dropped everything including his Aesir skin, becoming various shades of mostly dark blue. "I'm still the monster that parents tell their children about at night. But now I am the monster and the child. I want to be saved but I don't think I can be. And I just want it all to end. But it doesn't. Of course it doesn't. Instead I only ever am given over to someone else. Because monsters don't get to be redeemed. I don't get to claim my story, tell what happened, because the second I say anything it is deemed a lie. All because I was the one who said it. I want...I want to sleep and not wake up confused on who controls me. I want to be the only one in control of me. I want to feel whole, not have to hide behind some illusion. I want to know that I'm not just dreaming all of this because the last time I felt pleasure it was His illusion to make the pain resonate even more." Loki didn't feel the tears and he wasn't sure they were even his. Maybe he was being controlled once more which was a thought that only made him cry harder. 

Thor made his way out of his chair and took Loki into his arms. "I'll protect you. This time I'll do a better job of being your brother. I won't let anyone hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He rocked them back and forth like Frigga once did when they had been children. "You're safe now. You are safe here. I'll protect you." He kept saying any comforting thing he could think of hoping that it was true. Hoping that Loki would believe him even after all he had been put through. 

Natasha had finished her brownie by then. In actual fact she had finished it several minutes ago. She carefully stood up, shook her crumbs onto the tray, and walked away from the table. She knew now that Loki wasn't going to threaten Earth or anyone else. She was satisfied in her assessments. So she made her way to the counter at the front of the shop and walked around to be behind it. She placed a rather large manila envelope on the second shelf of the counter by a cup that seemed to be used most often. Loki would find it soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! I wrote another chapter and I'm really pleased with it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took me nearly a month to write but every time I sat down to write it I had something for school to do. But here it is. I hope you enjoy.

"You're safe now. You are safe here. I'll protect you." Thor kept saying any comforting thing that he could think of. Hoping that Loki would believe him even after all he had been put through. Hoping that what he was saying would turn out to be true. But in the meantime Thor held his little brother closer. He held him tight. He held him as he did when they were younger, as if Loki had simply woken up from another night terror.

Loki wanted to fight. Wanted to give in to the part of him that wanted to die. He gave into the other part instead, the part that melted into his Not Brother's hug. His arms tucked close to his chest, head leaning on Thor's shoulder, eyes closed. His illusion was back in place making him look completely whole. And for the first time in weeks he could almost believe that he was in fact whole.

Eventually Thor started to slowly move way. He didn't wish to frighten his brother into thinking he was leaving. But before he got far he felt Loki stiffen up beneath him. 

Thor acted as if moving slowly would make his intentions less clear. But Loki could see them plain as day, Thor would kill him when he was under the false security of the hug. He stiffened, waiting for the final blackness to surround him. But after several minutes of sitting there with his head still on Thor's shoulder nothing happened. And he looked up, eyes wide. 

"I'm not going to harm you brother. I wished to move before my legs gave out. You might be sitting but I most certainly am not and it is rather difficult to lean over to hug you without falling." Thor gave a small smile and backed away. He tucked a few strands of hair behind his ear before he sat back down across from his brother. 

Loki just sat there stiff and shaking. The shaking only slowed down when Thor sat back down. For a moment he couldn't remember where he was or if it was all an illusion. Couldn't recall if he was under Thanos's thrall or stuck in some half memory of his mind. As Thor sat back down it all seemed to click and he remembered all the promises that Thor had been saying. He gripped his left wrist till he felt the bones shift, just to make certain that none of it was a dream. 

As Loki reoriented himself Thor could only watch and worry till Loki gave a little smirk. Thor figured that meant his brother was fine. He reprimanded himself for thinking that. How could his brother be fine, when he most certainly wasn't. He checked the tea kettle and realized that it was empty. So he stood up and grabbed up the kettle, "I'll just go refill this for you." 

Thor walked away and Loki wasn't sure how he was meant to feel. Relieved to be left alone or terrified of abandonment. So he just sat with his cup rattling against the saucer, letting it get louder and louder till it drowned out the voices of the customers. 

Eventually Thor returned and placed the kettle in front of Loki. "I found this behind the counter." Next he placed the envelope right next to the steaming kettle. "I believe it is meant for you to read."

The second that Thor returned Loki breathed a sigh of relief and reached for the kettle. He placed a few leaves into his mug then poured the water so they could seep. And once he had ran out of things to preoccupy his time he tentatively reached for the envelope, ripped open the seal, and pulled out papers that had been inside. His eyes flicked over the words and the pages turned every few seconds. He read what the pages said, over and over till finally he put them down and replaced them with his tea. 

"What did it say?"

Loki smiled at Thor. "It seems that SHIELD feels the need to no longer monitor me. Actually they've offered me a job."

"That's great news! We can stand side by side and help-"

"I'm not going to accept. It's a kind enough offer but I don't want it."

"Brother-"

Loki cut off Thor once again, "It's not because I have any quarrels with them or Midgard or anything else to do with this realm. I simply don't wish to engage in fighting, at least not right now."

"I'm certain they would be fine if you..." Thor paused as he thought of the appropriate word, "consult. You could help them understand about seidr."

"Understand about being argr you mean." Loki gripped his tea cup till it started to chip in his hands. 

"You know that's not what I meant."

Loki put the cup down before it could completely shatter. But in its absence his hands started to shake. And his voice started to waver, "How am I ever supposed to know what you meant? I suppose I'm meant to simply accept this job. As if it is what I want, what's best for me. But if anything it's what's best for you and for them. Well you can let them know that I don't accept. That I would prefer to be under the view of every camera at their disposal then have my movements controlled by yet another person-"

"And how is this better? Here where you are controlled by your fears instead of yourself. I beg you, brother, just think about it. I swear that no one would control you. Never again." Thor stood up and made his way to the door. "I'll be at Stark's tower. I'll check on you tomorrow. Please just give the job a moment's thought. I feel that this could help you."

All Loki could do was sit and watch as Thor left him once more. He wanted to run after him the second the door had closed and walk to the tower to sign his life over to the job. He wanted to lock the door and never let Thor back through. But instead he just sat in his chair and listened to the quiet voices around him as if that would possibly ground him.


	16. Chapter 16

Tony knew that the Avengers were staging another intervention. The text hadn't said so, they never did, but the fact they were calling him back to the tower after being in the lab for days was never a good sign. The only question was what it would be about this time; drinking, time spent in his own lab, or something new and surprising. He almost wanted to skip it entirely, stay with Loki, maybe he could have ordered a lemon bar or something. But he had tried ignoring the interventions before. Which had only led to Bruce talking to Steve who talked to Clint who talked to Natasha who finally went to Pepper. Pepper in turn had practically dragged him out of the lab and forced him to go to the longest intervention that had ever been staged for him. It had lasted nearly an entire day. And of course they had to bring up every little "problem" they thought he had. Though they didn't call them problems, that would imply something they apparently didn't want to imply. Instead they had spent nearly an entire day talking about his "lack of connections", "identified triggers", "verbalized and visualized behavioral limits", and Tony's personal favorite "response to reinforced self evaluation that had been built up since Howard and had only become worse in recent years." No, Tony would not skip another intervention. He would rather sit and have them worry about one problem at a time. It was just easier. Perhaps having each problem talked about individually lengthened the time talking. It made more times where he was forced to hear how they saw him struggling. But he just couldn’t stand to hear it all at once. As if he was a walking catastrophe, waiting to flicker out of sight. No, he was not going to skip out and miss what catastrophe was being worried about today.

Soon enough Happy pulled up at Stark tower and Tony was making his way up to the communal living room. As the elevator door slid open he sauntered out. "But Cap I only just left, what possibly was so important to call me back." He had been joking but by the end of the sentence Tony could feel the mood in the room. "No really, what happened?" They way they looked at him made it seem like someone else must have died. As if he had been the murder.

Clint dropped down and Tony couldn't for the life of him figure out where the man had come from. But he didn't have time to worry about it. 

"What happened is that we have a problem,” said Clint.

"Yes, that right there, that totally clears everything up. Thanks."

Clint rolled his eyes. "Stark."

"Oh so we're back onto last names. What did I possibly do this time. I haven't even seen you-"

Clint cut Tony off before he could pick up his talking stride. "But you have been seeing Loki."

Everyone was quiet for a few moments. As if they were all waiting for someone else to speak. 

"Have you heard about Tea and Potions. I hadn't but I was going on a hole in the wall tour of New York coffee. And let me tell you, it's pretty great." 

Clint looked like he was going to attack Tony mid sentence so Steve stepped closer and put an hand on his shoulder. "Tony we don't care about your search for coffee."

"Oh but you should. I'm sure that after the nap you had you would want to find the best coffee you could get your hands on." By this point Tony was starting to get fidgety. He shouldn't have come. He should have stayed in Tea and Potions, gotten a damn pastry, and endured another day long intervention. At least Pepper would have been present for that. "It feels like a cottage in the woods, homely. Something a witchy grandmother would put together. It's sweet-"

"AND RUN BY A MAN WHO IS MEANT TO BE DEAD." Clint shook his shoulder till Steve let go. He walked up to Tony and poked him in the chest. "His body is meant to be rotting on some planet and here you are kneeling on the floor with him."

Tony waved Clint's hand from his chest. And took a step forward which forced Clint to back up just a bit. "He was having a panic attack. Was I supposed to leave him there to deal with that on his own? Cause I've dealt with my own attacks with and without people trying to help. And wanna know what I've found? It's terrible having to get out of your own head with nothing and no one there to help you. So yes, I helped him. I helped a man who is meant to be dead. And you know what, I'm glad he's not dead because other then the "king of the world" business he's actually a pretty okay guy."

Everyone could hear Clint's intake of breath. Watched as he took a step and then another so he was practically standing on top of Tony's toes. Watched as his arm swung back and fist connected with Tony's face. Only when he started winding up for the next punch did they intervene. Steve grabbed his arms and pulled him away from Tony. Natasha stepped in front of him to block Tony from view. And Bruce checked that Tony was okay. 

Tony was fine. Or close enough to being fine that it was practically the same thing. Either way he probably should have stopped talking but he didn't. He just kept going. "Loki thought I was trying to trick him when I went to his shop with different bracelets. Ones that would allow him a little more access to his magic. Because in case you didn't know, he was tortured. Tortured to a point where the magic he has now can only hide what happened. Not heal it. He seems to think that he doesn't deserve to be helped. Or cared for. As if he deserves to be tortured or at the least that his wounds aren’t meant to heal." Tony gently moved Bruce out of his way so he could look Clint in the face as he said, "He doesn't seem to want to live."

Clint had stopped struggling by that point. He smiled, "Nothing is holding him back. He could die at any point. Everyone would be perfectly fine with that."

"I’m not. I’m fine with that.” Tony shook his head and continued, “But it doesn’t really matter what we think. Or what he thinks. Because Frigga, his mom, the only person who ever seemed to care for him died. And the last time they saw each other she wanted him to live. And now he feels forced to abide by her wish." Tony held up a hand to stop anyone from cutting him off. "One of the last things he managed to say before his panic attack stopped him was "all I've ever been is nothing. And not even you would try to save something that is nothing." He thinks he deserves to be tortured. As if death is too easy, too painless." Tony runs a hand through his hair till it stands on end and laughs. It's the kind of laugh that is devoid of humor and dies quickly. "When he leaves the counter he puts up a sign that says, 'The argr will return soon.' Do you know what that means? Cause I didn't. I thought it was a odd way to say witch or something-"

Natasha was the one to answer. Standing next to Clint and looking at Tony. Her face was completely straight as she said, "It's a term of insult. It denotes effeminacy or other unmanly behavior. In essence to be argr is to be unmanly. Which in a society such as the one on Agard it is probably one of the worst insults to receive." She just slightly smirked at Tony as she finished. 

Tony let her words sink in and tried to ignore the little smirk. Finally he said, "I know all of you have been keeping tabs on me. How much I eat and sleep. How much I drink." He rolled his eyes. "But Loki doesn't seem to have anyone. He spirals. He probably sleeps even less than I do. Certainly eats and drinks less than I do." He did that nervous, humorless laugh again and said, "Hell I think the most he's eaten was a scone that I made him eat. And he nearly cracked the bones in his wrist. I think he had been trying to assure himself of where he was." Tony shook his head. "I just think he deserves a little help. Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! A chapter written in a week. And as far as I can tell it's the first chapter without Loki directly in it. It's also the longest chapter...
> 
> And I wrote this instead of working on things I probably should be working on. I mean I have nothing that is due tomorrow so it's fine!
> 
> Anyway this might actually be my favorite chapter so far. I enjoyed writing it so much. And hope you all like it as well.
> 
> Enjoy!


	17. Chapter 17

Eventually Loki returned to serving those who came into Tea and Potions looking for a quick bite to eat or drink to sip. He removed his sign. Made certain that the water was constantly boiling. Loki hid the letter from SHIELD in a rather large but rusted jug that must have at some point held cookies but now held only air. It was perfect. Soon enough his mind drifted away from the possibilities. Away from the paper and ink hidden behind his back. Instead Loki focused on each customer. 

The Avengers stared at Tony for what seemed like an impossibly long time. He just stood there. He wasn't talking, or shaking, barely even thinking. For once Tony stayed in the time and place of his body. He watched as his team, his friends, seemed to fight over their own minds. As if they were uncertain to be proud of his wish to help someone or sickened because he had chosen to help Loki. He wasn't sure if he even minded what they thought. It didn't matter, not really. And as he came to that thought he started to make his way to the door. 

Every customer that came through the doors was greeted with a smile that was almost too sickeningly sweet. The music playing was almost too fast, as if trying to force the most cheer into every corner of the room. And it smelled like every good pastry was being baked all at once. It wasn't particularly unpleasant. If the customers had been asked they would have told anyone that Tea and Potions was more full of life and good feelings then they ever thought possible. But the regulars knew better. They could see how Loki's smile cracked at the edges. How his fingers twitched just hint faster than the music which in turn only seemed to speed up all the more. They could see how thin he had become over the last weeks. A few of the regulars were even a bit worried for him. Though none had yet spoken up to him about it. As if they didn't know what to say. As if they weren't allowed to be worried about the man behind the counter. 

Tony made it to the door before Steve put a hand lightly on his shoulder. Just as quickly as it was there the hand was gone again. 

"We just don't want you to get hurt." Steve sounded like he cared. Like he was only worried that Tony and Loki could get into the equivalent of a lovers quarrel. 

Tony gave Steve a small smile. He wanted to say how they weren't lovers, not even close. How Loki wasn't going to hurt him not because he didn't necessary want to but because he physically wasn't at a point where he could. Loki probably wasn't even mentally in a place where he could hurt anyone. "Why don't you just come with me?"

"To Tea and Potions?"

Tony's smile got wider. "Of course."

The music Loki played as fast as his heartbeat seemed to fit more in a festival on Asgard then his little tea shop. But the customers didn't mind. Actually, a few even swayed in time to the violins and drums. The little children danced enthusiastically, arms waving, ready to break anything in their path. Loki himself sung lyrics that were different each time. Lyrics that were not even apart of the music coming from the speakers. 

Loki didn't seem to notice when the bell at the door jingled. He just kept passing mugs and plates to everyone who ordered. His body moved in time to the beat. Fingers that had stopped twitching were now dancing across the counter. For the first time in a long time he was smiling. Every so often he bent down and reached for a mug that never seemed to empty even though he had been sipping from it for hours. He had managed to push SHIELD's letter and any other problematic thoughts right from his head. 

Then Tony and Steve were standing on the other side of Loki's counter. The music slowed down just a bit. Loki's singing cut off mid sentence. 

Tony leaned over the counter. "How's it going, snowflake?"

Loki stood frozen. His eyes darting back and forth between Tony and Steve. Any contentment he had seconds earlier was gone. 

"Ooookay." Tony realized that Loki wasn't expecting him let alone Steve. "Probably shouldn't have just barged in here like this. But I was hoping to have Capsicle try some actually good coffee."

"Any flavor in particular?" Loki didn't try and think about anything other then the order. 

"Two of your largest cups with whatever. Oh and how about some food to go with that."

Loki raised an eyebrow as if to say, want to narrow down what food you are asking for. 

Tony chuckled and didn't bother to specify any more of the order. 

Loki shook his head and whispered so Tony could hear, "It's a miracle you ever manage to get anything if you always order things like you do here. Or do you just expect people to read your mind? Because even if I had all of my magic, I certainly wouldn't be able to read yours."

"No you would rather make people forget their thoughts entirely and shape them into your own!" Steve hadn't meant to speak up, not really. But he didn't regret it. 

The blood seemed to rush from Loki's face. His mouth opened and shut yet no words came out. Instead he turned to the coffee maker and did what he was becoming best at. He ran his shop. He picked up a large red plate and filled it with cookies and cakes. He placed it on the counter in front of Tony and Steve with a soft clatter. He turned away and filled his largest mug, which happened to have a large crack down its side, with cinnamon blueberry coffee. He filled a slightly smaller mug, which was in no way flawed except for the fact that it's blue color seemed a bit faded, with autumn spice flavored coffee. 

Tony took his mug from Loki the second he had turned back around. He sniffed at the coffee and took in a small sip. "Another blueberry flavor."

Loki couldn't tell if Tony was pleased or not. "If you don't like it-"

Before he could even think of finishing the sentence Tony cut him off. "Of course I like it. I love it. This is even better than the last thing you gave me. Cinnamon. I like it. Now give Steve his cup before I finish my own."

Loki gave Tony a small smile and passed the second mug to Steve. "That will be twenty five dollars." 

Steve almost dropped the mug that he was being handed when he heard the price, "That's-"

Tony pulled out his wallet and handed over thirty. "I was wondering when you would start over pricing me for this stuff."

The money was slipped into the cash register. "Your one of the few customers who can afford such treatment."

They smiled at each other and Steve wasn't sure how he felt about it. But instead of saying anything he took a small sip of coffee. He hoped it wasn't poisoned or anything. And after that first sip he knew it wasn't. He knew he would be coming back just like Tony was. Seeing as this was the best coffee he probably had in his whole life. He barely even noticed that Tony was walking away with the plate of goodies. Steve practically ran after Tony. He had his eye on a specific chocolate chip cookie and didn't want Tony to get it before he could. 

Loki watched from behind his counter. Where he was safe with his unlimited supply of tea. Tea that he almost spilled over everything when Tony sat at a table and called, "Aren't you going to have some too?"


	18. Chapter 18

Loki wasn't certain he should sit with Tony and Steve. But for the most part Tony meant well. And he figured he should ask about the letter, the job offer. So he grabbed SHIELD's letter from the cookie jar. He held that in his left hand and his mug in the right. Loki walked up to the table and practically threw the stack of paper in front of Steve Rogers, pulled up a chair and placed it slightly closer to Tony, and sat down. 

"What's that?" Steve asked though the question was completely muffled due to the large amount of cookie in his mouth. 

Placing his mug on the table Loki smiled. "That would be a job offer from your boss. Apparently they finally have decided that I am no longer a threat. Or at least not a terrible one. Though more likely SHIELD thinks this will make me more willing to give information as if I haven't already given all they asked. And no, Captain, I don't want to join your team."

Tony had been drinking some of his coffee spit it out onto the table as Loki finished. 

Loki gave him a look and said, "Now, was that really necessary."

Still slightly choking Tony said, "You...you would be an Avenger."

"No, Stark were you not listening. I said I'm not taking the job." Loki turned to look back at Steve and wiped at Tony's mess. "You may tell them my answer, if you wish. If not I'll tell them myself. I just...would you mind telling me who I have to talk to. 

Steve finished chewing the chunk of cookie that was in his mouth, swallowed, and looked at Loki for a few moments before he attempted to answer. "I don't... I didn't even know an offer had been made."

"I believe Lady Natasha left the letter the last time she was here. I would have thought that if she was in charge of leaving a job application the rest your rather small team would have known about it. Though I suppose since I told you i need not worry about it now. I'm more then content in staying in my little shop. In all honesty I have little to no clue why you would want me. Why anyone would want..." Loki's words seemed to fade. His eyes turned vacant and he certainly wasn't looking at Steve any longer. 

The music that had been so quiet in the background of the shop cut off rather abruptly. The calm instruments were replaced with something Loki barely remembered overhearing from a younger patron of the shop. The loud drums made Loki flinch in his seat and then the first lyrics could be heard playing louder then what was normally played. "How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman..." Tears welled up in his eyes but he refused to let them spill. Toward the front of the shop some girl with a computer was obviously happy with the music choice as she sang along. Her soprano voice rose above those in the recording. 

Loki tried to pick up his mug of tea. He tried to stop tearing up. He tried to breathe normally. Instead he failed to grip the mug and it shattered when it hit the table. His tears followed suit and he didn't even know what he was upset about. The girl, no women, child, he couldn't seem to make up his mind but he knew that she was still singing. And he didn't understand how she could be wasting precious air singing, "Well, the word got around, they said "this kid is insane, man." Took up a collection just to send him to the mainland. Get your education don't forget from whence you came..." 

Tony stood up after the cup shattered. He could see Loki slipping but he had no idea what to do. Before he could even get close Loki tried to stand up and failed. 

Steve's chair toppled to the ground as he stood up and went to Loki's side.

Loki didn't notice the two gathering around him. He didn't notice that his body was twitching, that he was bleeding through his glamor. He just kept hearing that young woman singing, "...Left him with nothin' but ruined pride, something new inside..." He curled in upon himself, as if he could finally disappear. 

Steve got to Loki's side first. He sat down beside him and as Loki started practically convulsing he pulled Loki onto his lap. He held Loki close. He had seen men act like this when they had come back from the front lines. He understood then why Tony was so compelled to help. He whispered in Loki's ear like he did so long ago to people who must by now be dead. He tried not to think of them. He tried, instead, to only focus on the man fighting to breathe in his arms. 

Loki could feel someone holding him and he couldn't remember the last time someone did that. Maybe Tony had been the last person to hold him though more likely it was- he shied away from the name his mind desperately wanted to fill his mind. Maybe Frigga had been the last to do this or Thor or Odin or Than- "No," he screamed or at least he thought he did. But at least the thought of screaming forced his mind into silence. 

The young adult at her computer paused long enough to drink from their cup of tea.Their hands didn't falter and their voice didn't waver. The song had changed but she kept going, "Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It's takes and it takes and we keep living anyway." 

Steve ignored her. He ignored Tony and everyone else. He held Loki just a bit tighter and he talked. "A part of me hates you I want you to know that but this isn't right. Okay. You don't deserve this. No one deserves to live like this. And you wanna know something else? This business you got here, it's pretty great. Everyone seems to like it here. They care about you. You just have to pull yourself out of this. I know you can. If the men on the lines...no. I'm not going to compare you to them. I bet they always compared you to Thor. I bet that was part of the problem that started this in the first place. You are Loki, strong and able. You have done impossible things so I know you can do this too."

He didn't want to help Loki and a part of him did. Steve was starting to realize that the better part, the less vengeful part was winning out. And when Steve heard Loki mumble "no" he just kept talking till Loki stopped shaking like he was going to fall to pieces. He held onto Loki until the music in the shop cut off once more. 

Loki slowly sat up. He noticed the blood and couldn't tell if it was his or someone else's or if it was another illusion. He bowed his head, choosing to ignore it at least for the time being, “Thank you, Captain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been listening to Hamilton a lot lately so I simply had to put it in this. Okay I didn't have to and I'm not sure how much I liked doing it. But I felt compelled to put it in.


	19. Chapter 19

Loki realized rather belatedly that he was still in the Captain's lap so he carefully unfurled himself and stood up. He shook ever so slightly but the blood slipping through his glamor seemed to slow till it stopped completely. Loki was calm once more. With a snap of his fingers the music changed once more from the musical that the young woman seemed so fond of to soft lyrical songs that were better at grounding him. 

"Thank you," Loki said again to Steve. 

Steve wasn't sure if Loki should be standing yet considering the convulsions he had just been put through but he didn't say anything other then a gruff, "Of course."

Tony, unsure of what he should do, started to gather bits of the broken mug onto an outstretched palm. The tea was covering the small table and a few drops were even dripping onto the floor. When he couldn't fit anymore pieces onto his palm he took the shards to the trash the the front of the cafe. 

Loki intercepted Tony before he reached the trash can. "I'll take those off you. Would you mind grabbing a towel? One or two should be under the counter to the right of the cash register."

With a nod Tony went to retrieve the towel. It was full of holes and warn at the edges but it still managed to collect all the tea that had spilled. 

As Tony and Loki went about cleaning up the mess, Steve grabbed the paperwork about Loki becoming an Avenger. He read through it as they finished clearing the table. It was surreal but he understood what he should do. 

Loki took the towel from Tony and threw it into the sink in the kitchen. 

Tony took another mug and filled it with tea. He pressed it into Loki's hands and gave him a small smile. "You didn't get to finish the last one or even start it."

The mug was warm, not searing hot. It was comforting and Loki smiled before he took a careful sip.

They sat back down at the table at the same time as if nothing was ever amiss. As if Loki hadn't lost himself because of some lyrics he hadn't meant to play. They sat in silence for a few moments as if everything was perfectly fine.

Steve was the one who broke the almost comfortable silence. He place the letter from SHIELD in front of Loki and said, "I know what you said. You don't want to be an Avenger and I get it."

"I-"

"Let me finish," Steve cut Loki off. "Look, you're not my favorite person."

"Thanks." Loki said it with what sounded like a smile though his face was completely blank of emotion. 

"But, Tony was right. You don't deserve this. You just had a massive panic attack because the background music of your shop changed to something you couldn't handle. Which is no fault of your own or anything. You're alone here and if you worked with us you wouldn't be. We could help you."

After taking another sip of his tea Loki asked, "Why would you or your team want to help me? What stops you or them from taking advantage?" He put down the mug of tea and leaned a bit closer to Steve, "I'm not safe here but I wouldn't be safe there. At least here I can act as if I'm free to do as I wish."

Steve carefully listened to Loki's concerns. They were silent as he thought of what to say which took a few moments. "We want to help because it's sort of in the job description of what we do. And no that is not the only reason or even the primary reason. We care, you are hurt and need help. I suppose nothing would particularly stop us from hurting you but does anything stop that from happening here or in your life right now? No, you said so yourself. Look I know that you have no reason to trust us. But if you work with us instead of for us you would have rooms to yourself that no one could get into unless you wanted them too. You will not be confined. If you want you can write up an entirely new contract with whatever loopholes you want so will be as safe as you can be. You could even keep owning and operating Tea and Potions if that's what you want. You will be free to do "as you wish."

Loki leaned back in his chair, eyes never leaving Steve's, looking for even the smallest of twitches to see that he was in fact lying. Loki couldn't find any lie. A part of him wanted to say 'no'. He wanted to turn down the offer and maybe even kick Tony and Steve out of his cafe. He didn't. Instead Loki said, "I'm sure you will let me do what I will but you'll find ways to limit me, slowly so I don't notice but I will. Maybe lock my seidr away bit by bit till nothing is left. You'll act like you care. You won't. No one ever does."

Tony took Loki's hand in his without thinking. "I have a room the could be ready for you in less than an hour. How about you just come with us and check it out. Talk with the team. You won't have to commit to anything, I swear. Just...see if we could help you. See if you want to be a part of the team. You could leave whenever you want and if you want I'll never bring it back up. But if you don't at least check it out then I'll just keep asking till you come just to shut me up."

"Well then," Loki rolled his eyes as he stood up. "I suppose it won't kill me to visit or perhaps it will. Either way." He shrugged. 

Steve and Tony looked like they wanted to say something but Loki was already closing up the cafe for the day. Soon they were the only ones left and everything was silent. 

"Let us go," Loki said by the door as he waited for the two to catch up. Right now, this moment, he was ready to face what the Avengers had in store for him. Loki was calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had meant to write and publish this when I first got home from my first semester at college. Obviously that didn't happen for which I'm sorry. But what matters is what I wrote it eventually (and only a month after the last chapter was put up). 
> 
> I've decided that the next chapter (#20) will probably be the last one for this series. Which should be up soon (hopefully sometime later today or at least this week). 
> 
> Thank you for reading and sticking with the story up to this point. I look forward to the next chapter and I hope you are too.


	20. Chapter 20

Tony decided against giving Loki the grand tour or more specifically he decided against giving Loki the grand tour the second they all stepped into the building. Instead he lead Loki to the elevator and hit the button to take them to apartment number six. "You'll have a whole floor to yourself, programmed to only let those you want come in. It also happens to be above Thor if you're into that. If not...well I suppose I could show you a different floor." The door opened with a quiet ding and Tony wasn't all that surprised when Loki didn't reply to anything he had just said. 

Loki was the first to leave the elevator. He walked out and was rather surprised at the rooms that could be his if he only agreed. The elevator doors opened to show off an open space with two rooms in one. Most of the room was living space with the largest television Loki was sure Tony could have found, dark wooden floors that matched the bookcases already half filled with books of various genres. Loki immediately walked to the shelves and ran a hand across the spines as he read the titles. 

Tony followed Loki in and leaned against the large plush couch. The black leather crinkled a bit and Tony smiled as Loki turned to see where the sound had come from. He didn't want the crinkling to startle Loki into leaving, running away before he could even think about accepting the offer. 

Almost proud of the fact that he hadn't flinched at the sudden sound. Loki returned Tony's smile as he turned away from the impressive stash of books. Of course if he moved in he would have his own books to add. Loki realized that even with the books he owned the bookcases wouldn't be completely full, he would have room to fill.

Steve entered the apartment last. He had never been on this floor. He was rather surprised that the apartment was similar to the one he had been given. It had the same overly large television. The kitchen was still to the left of the elevator even if the color scheme was much darker then then the one he was used to. 

"The kitchen is over there, obviously." Tony tilted his head to the left. "If you ever have any questions...well you probably won't have any about the coffee machine unlike some people." Tony pointedly looked back to Steve who somehow managed to seem apologetic without even doing anything. 

Looking to the kitchen Loki could see a perfectly shined black oven, probably never even used. A coffee pot and a tea kettle. Even the cabinets were better than the ones he had at Tea and Potions, they all had doors that weren't hanging by a final hinge. The wooden floor continued from the living room to the kitchen and somehow seemed to compliment the black appliances. His smile only seemed to widen. The kitchen might have seemed too dark to some people but not to Loki. He walked into the kitchen and immediately felt comfortable. It was dark but the white tiled walls kept the room from feeling like the void. No part of the room felt as if it would close around him. For once he felt at ease in his surroundings. He didn't feel as if the world would snatch him and swallow him up. It felt like someplace he might be able to call home. Loki shook his head at that thought. Those type of thoughts were dangerous. 

"Down the hall, right of the elevator, are two or three bedrooms. One is larger, that would be the master. That room would most likely be the one you would sleep in."

"I haven't agreed to anything." 

"Yet. You haven't agreed to anything yet." Tony corrected. He followed Loki to the kitchen. "I think we could make this work. Even if you don't want to be an official part of the team, Snowflake, you could stay here and continue to run Tea and Potions. If you wanted, it could be a similar setup to what you had with Daddy's Stand In."

Raising an eyebrow Loki asked in a deadpan voice, "Daddy's Stand In?"

Steve decided to follow Tony to the kitchen and he immediately cringed at his nickname for, "Fury. He means director Fury."

Loki almost laughed. Instead he rolled his eyes and said, "The All-Father better not hear such talk. I'm not sure he would take kindly to being compared to a mortal." He closed his eyes and tried to focus on figuring out what he really wanted. Of course he couldn't seem to figure out what it was that he truly wanted, not completely. A part of him wanted to stay in the rooms above Tea and Potions but he hadn't felt safe in them since Fury had made his deal so many months ago. Another part of him wanted to go to Asgard but that would never be an option. Besides, he couldn't remember ever feeling safe in Asgard. He wanted...he wanted everything and nothing. Loki wanted to feel as if he could live without the void reaching its tendrils toward him. 

Tony walked beside Loki and just barely put a hand on the man's shoulder. "You don't-"

"I accept your most gracious offer." Even if he was content with his choice Loki didn't sound like he was. "I would like to live here, if you'll let me. I would like to still run Tea and Potions. And maybe one day I'll feel comfortable in giving you an answer on whether I will join your team." He didn't look at Tony or Steve, his shoulders were hunched. 

"Lokes, if you don't want to stay here that's fine. Just say so" Tony removed his hand from Loki's shoulder. 

Loki stood a little straighter. "I would like to stay here, Stark. I'm simply puzzled as to why I feel...safer here then anywhere else I've been in a long time. 

Steve gave a wide grin that Loki thought might be able to rival Thor's sun kissed smile. He asked, "When do you want to move in?" And after a brief pause he asked, "Will you need any help when you do?"

Walking out of the kitchen Loki turned back to Steve and Tony, "I'm free now." He looked quickly between the two and he almost didn't finish what he set out to say, "I would appreciate any help you could offer to me. Thank you."

Steve and Tony replied at the same time, "Of course." "Let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I said that chapter 20 might be the last chapter. I lied. I don't know how many chapters I plan to write but I know I want to write a bit more. 
> 
> Classes start on the 19th so I probably will be a bit slow on updating. But I will not abandon this fic. I do know that much.
> 
> Thank you!


	21. Chapter 21

In a matter of what felt like minutes Tony, Steve, and Loki were back in front of Tea and Potions. Loki took out a ring of keys that Tony never remembered seeing before and jiggled them into the lock. With a quick and fluid turn of his hand the door was open. Loki made sure to hold the door for his...guests. He wasn’t sure how he wanted to think of them, friends, captors, he settled unhappily on guests. 

Once inside Steve asked what Tony had been thinking, “Where did those keys come from?”

As Loki walked away toward a door in the back that would lead to his personal rooms he shook his head. “My pockets, obviously, or did you think I would use up some of my seidr on keeping a few hungry mortals out?” After a few moments of silence he turned back to face them. “When I’m not confined by restraints such as these...” he raised up his hands as if Tony and Steve needed to be reminded of the cuffs around his wrists, “...restraints that feel as if they’re digging into my very essence, I would be able to use my seidr to protect any building from anything I wish to keep out.” Lowering his hands back to his sides he said, “I chose to place this illusion over myself instead of living without locks.”

“Sorry.” Steve could see how tence Loki was becoming. He was almost certain the man would start shaking any moment though whether it would be out of anger or something else Steve couldn’t be sure. He hadn’t meant for that this happen. He had only been curious. “I only meant...I thought…”

Loki shook his head and turned away. He continued to the door in the back, fit a different key in its lock, and the door squeaked open. The door was probably the only door in Tea and Potions that actually worked. It wasn’t hanging by a single nail and the paint wasn’t chipped, though it did seem oddly faded as if it had once been painted white but was now the color of parchment. 

Tony and Steve followed as Loki walked up the stairs. No one said anything though Tony felt like he was supposed to. He just couldn’t think of the right thing to say and for once he wasn’t just going to blab the first thing to pop in his head. If he had he would have mentioned the door which looked like it had seen better days. The bottom was black as if it was charred or possibly was full of mold and the paint was cracked from top to bottom. The only good thing was the fact it was still standing and that probably wouldn’t last long.

When they reached Loki’s rooms Tony couldn’t hold back any longer, “How can you possibly live here like this. I mean…” He trailed off realizing what he was doing but he just couldn't believe that Loki had been living in a cramped and damp attic. Okay maybe not damp but it was certainly colder upstairs then it had ever been in the cafe and Tony was nearly certain it wasn’t because of all the baking that was done in the kitchen.

The rooms were actually just one room with fake walls sectioning some parts off from the rest. In some places they weren’t even fake walls instead there was just a large pile of books. Steve was almost certain that some of the trenches he had been in had been in better shape. Nothing was particularly broken however everything except the books seemed a little less than perfect. Papers were scattered upon the floor and little nubs of pencils could be found every so often. Every mug was chipped or cracked or missing its handle. Crumbs were on every plate but Steve wasn’t sure if Loki had actually eaten much of anything or if he had been tearing bits of things apart. There was a mattress but no bed in one of the spaces made entirely of books. It was covered in blankets and looked as cosy as a matress on the floor could look. 

Loki could see how troubled Steve was by what he could see. He watched as both Tony and Steve walked about his rooms as if they were in a daze. “It’s not...I don’t normally live in such filth.” Loki said that as he picked out spots of blood on the floor and walls. The spots, for the most part, were pin pricks. The blood didn’t stand out unless you knew where it was and he could see every spot. He looked away, “In Asgard my rooms...well for a start they were actual rooms. The books were on the shelves where they belonged and everything had a place. Magic, seidr, flows free through the rooms and I could properly feel it, shape and weld it. I had art. I had....” He stopped before he could say ‘I had control.’

After a few moments where Loki simply stood there and tried not dig his nails into his arms he walked to one of the piles of books. “Would one or both of you mind going downstairs I should have some boxes in the kitchen that will be able to hold what I need.” As they both went back down the steps Loki began to gather up his books; most of which he hoped to bring with him. Tony and Steve brought up box after books and Loki filled them all. They held books, paper, pens, the odd key or two, three mugs from the cafe which didn’t have a flaw, odds and ends, bits of metal and string. He carefully rolled up his blankets and found a jingle bell which he placed alongside them. By the time he was done the room looked neater than it had since he had settled into the place. 

In the end Loki had filed twenty seven boxes of various sizes. All of which were taken back downstairs and loaded into Tony’s car. It took several hours and for once Loki felt tired enough that he wondered if he would fall asleep later. He wondered if he wanted to.

They all piled into the car and set off for Stark Tower, set out toward home. Which is what Loki wished he would be able to call it sooner rather than never. Home, it sounded like a nice idea, something to make at least part of him feel a little bit better. 

“Thank you, for giving me this chance.” 

Tony hadn’t been certain if he had heard Loki correctly but he smiled none the less. “Welcome to your new home, reindeer games.” For once Tony felt like he had done the right thing and nothing would be able to mess this up. He would be able to make a difference and help someone. He would be more than just the merchant of death.


	22. Chapter 22

It didn’t take all that long for Steve, Tony, and Loki to bring the twenty seven boxes up to apartment number six. One by one the boxes were placed in the center of the living room on the seventy seventh floor of Stark Tower till Steve went back to Tony’s car to find its trunk empty of all of Loki’s belongings. Of course he offered to help Loki settle in and unpack. Though whether the offer was to simply help or to make certain that Loki wasn’t going to try anything Steve wasn’t completely sure. He was almost certain that by this point he just wanted to help and he could just ignore the little warnings going off in the back of his head that kept telling him to be weary of the fallen god. He had seen the man unraveling but a small voice in the back of his mind couldn’t help but wonder if it was all some cleverly constructed trap. “I can help you set things up.” Steve said it with a small smile and a lazy stance. He was ready to help if need be.

“That is kind of you to offer but I’d rather be on my own at the moment.” Loki gave a smile that didn’t reach high enough to be considered completely genuine though it gave the impression of trying. The smile fell soon after and Loki was back to being almost blank faced. He hunched his shoulders slightly. ‘Do not run.’ His heart was already starting to race a bit too quickly. He wanted to drag everything back to the run down rooms that were above his shop. Perhaps he wouldn’t even bother with dragging the boxes; he could just leave them all in the tower. He could find new things. Replace the old with different mostly broken objects. ‘Do not run.’ For the most part Loki felt safe enough in the apartment. He knew that the doors would close and some would lock. That the power wouldn’t shut off suddenly. He knew that at the very least Tony would not fight him though he couldn’t be certain about anyone else. And he wasn’t even sure why he felt that Tony would not try and strike him. ‘Do not run.’ His body just seemed to want to run for him. But he didn’t move, much. His fingers twitched slightly. His heart just kept beating faster. He didn’t realize when he started shaking or curled further in upon himself. ‘Do not run.’ He had to keep reminding himself of that fact. As if his body would betray him if he forgot for a single second. ‘Do not run’. Perhaps the problem was the fact that the room, let alone the entire apartment didn’t feel like his. But that would be changed soon enough. The boxes would be empty soon. His things would fill the apartment and he was sure that would make the place feel better, safer. Besides, the rooms above his shop felt like his even when they were covered in a layer of pure filth that made his skin crawl. These rooms didn't make his skin crawl; it was already an improvement. He wouldn’t let that fact change. ‘Do not run.’ He didn’t notice when he stopped blinking. Didn’t notice when his heart continued to beat faster as his breathing hitched in his throat. ‘Do not run.’ He promised himself that he wouldn’t, at least not yet. He forced himself to breathe and soon his body returned to normal.

Steve nodded once, slowly. “Well, if you need anything just let me know.” He stood there for a few moments shifting from foot to foot, reluctant to leave when he was convinced that he could and should help. But after a few breaths of silence he turned and went back to the elevator. “I’ll be on my floor if you need me.” Right before the doors could shut he remembered Loki wouldn’t know what floor was his, he rushed to say, “Apartment 4.” The door clicked closed and as the elevator steadily rose up the two floors that would separate them Steve shook his head. He hopped that his invitation to help, and Tony’s offer of a more stable place to live wouldn’t backfire somehow or in someway.

Once Steve was gone Loki turned to Tony who had his back to the bookshelves. With a slightly more truthful smile that still didn’t reach his eyes Loki said, “You may go as well, Stark.”

“I thought we were past this Donder, it’s Tony. Besides, you need me to fill you in on the layout of the place.”

“I’m rather certain I can figure things out on my own.” He paused and added, quieter, “Thank you.”

“Of course you can figure things out and stuff but where’s the fun in that. I mean sure it would, could, be but then how would you know that Capsical is on floor seventy nine? I mean him saying ‘Apartment 4’ wasn’t really helpful was it. Besides you didn’t get a chance to see the whole tower the last time you were here. I updated since then, anyway. Like now there aren’t several holes from people being thrown onto floors and out of windows.”

Loki rolled his eyes. He took a few steps back till his left ankle brushed against one of his boxes. He bent down, eyes sparkling, when he realized it was full of some of his books. He gathered a few up into his arms and walked past Tony. He began to arrange the books as he asked, “And what, pray tell, are the other layouts I need to be filled in about so desperately? Or would you prefer to ramble about new tile.” 

Tony smiled and walked over to the opposite side of the box Loki had been crouching by. He reached for the closest book but before he could grab it Loki said, “Don’t touch that one.” Tony froze, “You-What’s it gonna do to me if I...you’re not even looking.”

Loki placed the last book that had been in his arms onto the shelf and turned to Tony, “And now I am looking.” He walked over and snatched up the book. “It would have done absolutely nothing to you or anyone else. It’s just a rather old book and I didn’t want your possibly grubby fingerprints on it.” 

Tony rolled his eyes as Loki picked more books out of the boxes and placed them gently on top of the ‘rather old book.’ He stood up and sat down on the couch. “I’ll let you get all the books then and I’ll go over where everything is. ‘Kay. So I have the penthouse, obviously. My personal labs are below that and off limits to pretty much everyone. Then there’s the med floor, party deck, and media center. Eleven apartments, four of which are empty. Thor is in the apparent below yours but the one above you is empty at the moment.”

“Thor is-” Tony cut Loki off before he could protest. 

“He lives on the floor below this one and can’t come up here unless you allow him. Now may I continue with the verbal tour.” Tony continued before Loki could give an answer, “The dining room with kitchen is on the seventy first floor. We sometimes get together and cook meals together. That kitchen is always stocked and stuff so yeah. Anyway, below that is more labs, meditation floors, Bruce had insisted on that one, and the animal therapy floors. Clint keeps his dog there. I have a flamingo named Bernard. Technically he’s the second flamingo named Bernard in this family but well he’s the first flamingo that is fully mine so-”

“Stark.” Loki smiled and shook his head. “I’m sure your flamingo is lovely but would you mind finishing the so called verbal tour?”

“Right. So, on floor sixty is the lego ‘room’. Which I just realized you probably don’t know what legos are but you’ll just have to go down and figure it out yourself, later. There’s a green house, library, pool, rock wall, gym, armory, and then it’s mostly just things to do with my company.” 

Loki was onto the third box of books by the time Tony was done. As he picked out another armful of books he asked, “And how many of those floors am I actually allowed to visit?”

Tony stood up and took the books out of Loki’s hands.

“Hey,” Loki indignantly sputtered.

“You are not a prisoner. Okay. You’re free to come and go as much as you want to. Of course anyone is allowed to lock you out of their apartments just as you are allowed to do the same. My labs are off limits to everyone except me and sometimes Bruce and sometimes Pepper but you are allowed into some of the ones on floors sixty five to seventy. You’ll have to check with Jarvis to see which ones. And if you are ever in doubt or need anything just ask Jarvis.” Tony handed the books back to Loki. “Now what can I actually do to help considering you don’t seem to want me handling the precious books.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean to stop writing for 3 months! And I promise I didn't abandon this fic.   
> Part of the hiatus was due to the work load for my second semester of college. I passed every class with at least a B+ so my gpa is a 3.303 which I'm still really pumped about that.  
> And then I had some free time but no motivation and/or writers block. But I am going to finish this story. I'm off for the summer so I'm hoping to have more time to write and less writers block.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and sticking with me.


	23. Chapter 23

Eventually Tony left Loki alone. He took the elevator up to the penthouse and Loki was free to do what he wished. Tony was sorely tempted to have Jarvis update him on any little thing that Loki might do, as if it was his responsibility to rush down to Loki at the first infinitesimal sign of a panic attack or other such problem. And of course he gave into temptation if only just slightly. He would be alerted of any attacks, panic or otherwise, and of anything Loki requested from Jarvis.

The second Tony left Apartment 6 Loki turned his back to the elevator and walked back to the bookshelves, his bookshelves. He felt the need to remind himself of that fact. His fingers caressed the spines of books as if they could be lovers. Every so often he would pause, tip the top corner away from the rest, and take the book to a slightly different yet more appropriate location. When he was finally satisfied with the placement of all of his books Loki took a step back and just looked at them for a few moments. He took in a deep breath and tried to remember all the nonsense that Tony had said when they had been unpacking. All he could seem to remember was something about a flamingo which was far from helpful. Instead he just shook his head and shifted another book slightly to the left so the title would be perfectly straight resting on his bookshelf. 

“What do you mean he’s still organizing the his living room bookshelf!?” Tony looked at one of the cameras in his lab that was positioned right in his line of sight so he could talk directly with Jarvis while looking the AI system in the metaphorical eye, “It’s been, what, half an hour. What could he possibly doing. They looked fine when Steve left, let alone when I did.”

“Sir, when Mr. Rogers left apartment six most of Mr. Odinson’s books were still in the boxes used to bring them up to the the apartment. And when you left he had several volumes still in those aforementioned boxes. Since you left he has been organizing and reorganizing those books in what I must assume is his preferred viewing pattern much like you do here in the lab with...well everything in the lab.” 

Tony smiled at the camera, “So he’s settling in okay?” He went back to tinkering once Jarvis assured him that Loki was in fact perfectly fine and settling in and “not currently showing any signs of distress.”

Once Loki was finished putting his books away he wasn’t entirely sure what he was meant to do, nothing else needed to be put away or meticulously arranged. It was too early to justify getting ready for bed let alone the fact that he wasn’t particularly tired. He hadn’t been particularly tired in what felt like years. So for several minutes Loki simply stood in front of the almost filled bookshelves and tried to figure out what he should or could be doing. Perhaps that was why he jumped absurdly high when a voice asked, “Is there anything I can help you with, Mr. Odinson?”

Once Loki’s feet landed firmly back on the ground he looked around for where the voice could have come from. Before he could pinpoint an exact location the voice continued, “Sorry for startling you, sir, but you seemed like you were trying to recall something. Can I be of assistance?”

“Who or what exactly are you?” Loki asked in a huff. His arms folded across his chest and his eyes flicking back and forth as if he would spot some unseen person appear from behind the woodwork. 

“I am Jarvis, Just A Rather Very Intelligent System. Mr. Stark programmed me and my systems into this household in order to do any and everything its inhabitants may need. I control everything from heating and cooling of the premises, engine analysis of Mr. Stark's cars, to making sure all inhabitants are well cared for. So, is there anything I can do to help you settle in, Mr. Odinson?”

Loki glared up at the ceiling, “For starters you can stop referring to me by a name that I have no right in claiming. I am Loki son of none and you may call me such if that is what you wish.” Loki looked away from the spot on the ceiling he had picked to focus all his anger on. He licked his lips and seemed almost hesitant to continue as he shifted his weight from foot to foot, “If you feel such a need to sound proper and give me some semblance of a last name you may call me Liesmith, Skywalker, or if you’re feeling particularly generous you could refer to me as Friggason.”

“But which would you prefer, Sir?”

“I-” Loki sighed and let his arms fall to his sides, “I would prefer Friggason, for now, but I don’t...I don’t think…”

Jarvis watched as Loki struggled to finish his sentence for .046 seconds before he cut Loki off and said, “Your preference has been noted, Loki Friggason, is there anything else you require?”

Loki paused and soon the largest smile blossomed across his face. In a voice so quiet Jarvis wasn’t even certain if he was meant to hear it Loki said, “Friggason. He actually listened and acted as if...” 

After several seconds of awestruck and almost grateful sounding mumbling Loki looked back up at the ceiling, “Tony had mentioned other floors. Could you tell me which of the floors I am allowed access to?”

“Of course I can. You have clearance for the medical floor, media center, Kitchen with attached Dining Room, lego room, greenhouse, library, pool, rock wall “room”, gym, and what Mr. Stark refers to as the puzzle room. Of course you can request access to any and all floors such as the apartments of the other inhabitants but I assume the above mentioned rooms should be enough for now.”

With a flick of his wrist Loki filled the room with his preferred playlist from Tea and Potions, song after song filled with instruments from all times and places. He caressed the spines of a few of his books and removed a precious handful from the shelves. “What floor would the greenhouse be on?” He asked as he made his way to the elevator.

Jarvis opened the elevator doors before Loki reached out to press the button. He answered, “The greenhouse occupies floors 58 and 59.” Once Loki stepped into the elevator the doors clicked softly shut. “Is there anything else you require, Mr. Friggason?”

Loki shook his head and looked at the very obvious camera in the corner of the elevator. “Not right now...Thank you.” He looked back down, hugged his books tight to his chest and held his breath as he tapped the button for the 58th floor. His eyes seemed to brighten as the light for the button glowed and he released the breath he’d been holding when the elevator started moving. He didn’t quite smile, not truly, but for once he felt like he might be able to smile and keep it. For once the scars hidden under his illusions didn’t seem to hurt as intensely. For once Loki was calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me longer then I thought it would by which I mean I just had no motivation to write for the past month or so. But I've caught the writing bug again so I'm hoping to have a few more chapters finished and published this summer. 
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me and reading this. I really enjoyed writing the dialog for this chapter. I hope it turned out well. Thank you!


	24. Chapter 24

Jarvis decided that he didn’t like magic. More specifically he decided that he didn’t like magic when it was being used to play music that wasn’t coming from his speakers let alone the fact that the music wasn’t coming from any speakers at all. Of course he kept searching for the speakers that must have been somewhere either on or near Loki. But then Loki stepped into the elevator to go down to floor 58 and the music simply followed him. There was no other word for it. The music, the vibrations of sound, kept the same frequency but wherever Loki went the vibrations simply followed him. Sure Jarvis could accept the existence of speakers other than his own, he would even accept being out of control though he didn’t have to particularly like it. What Jarvis found he could not accept, much like his creator, was not knowing what exactly was going on. By the time the elevator doors opened and Loki walked into the greenhouse Jarvis decided that he didn’t like magic or at least he didn’t like not understanding magic when it was being done right under his metaphorical nose.

For a brief second or two Loki allowed himself to close his eyes. Concentrating on the swelling violins and flowing cellos. He latched onto the steady calm of the instruments. His eyes opened once more when he felt the elevator stop moving and watched as the doors opened with a faint hiss which was nearly hidden under the vibrato of a viola. He clutched his books a bit closer to his chest and quickly stepped past the elevator doors before they could close around him.

The greenhouse was more of an actual garden then anything else. Something Loki had not expected to see in the middle of a Midgardian city, especially in the home of someone so tech oriented as Tony Stark. A path of various shades of grey rock started from the elevator doors and stretched out into the garden, it even branched into several paths. The rest of the ground seemed to be covered in alternating levels of dirt which housed all manner of plants from lilies and Pângnâĸs to græs and shrubs. 

Loki loosened his grip on the books in his hands once more, taking care that he would not hurt their spines or covers. He shifted them so his right hand was free so he could dust some nonexistent dirt off of their covers. He made his way down the main path till he came to the first branch which lead to the right. For some time he simply walked down path after path till he came to a wall which seemed to be sprouting steps. After debating with himself for a few moments he looked up toward the ceiling, “Jar-Jarvis. Are these steps?”

“Yes, sir. You can follow them up and you will end on what is part of the 59th floor. From there you will be able to look and see all of the greenhouse from a ‘Clint’s eye view’ as Mr. Stark likes to say.”

“Oh,” Loki’s voice was soft as he looked further up the path of wood that was still half covered in bark which fit quite well with the rest of the plants in the room yet seemed odd against the nonorganic wall. He shifted his gaze back down to the first step and began to climb. Step after step Loki rose till he reached a large wooden platform. Chairs, couches, rugs, and all manner of comforting looking things were on the platform but Loki didn’t move to enjoy any of them. Instead he placed his books on a glass tabletop he passed as he made his way to the railing which looked out onto the floor below.

From this height, a floor above the garden below, Loki could see everything. He took a deep breath full of the smell of flowers and fresh cut græs. He smiled. His music swelled around him after a flick from his wrist. His heart rate was normal. His breathing was normal. For a few moments he indulged himself. Let his eyes gently close. He breathed through his nose. For a few moments he let himself pretend that he was in the gardens of Asgard. The music shifted to something less Midgardian in nature or at least it was less like the stringed instrumental songs he played in Tea and Potions. He could pick out the nine-stringed hardanger fiddle, the drums, and the flutes. He could just barely feel Frigga standing behind him, had an even harder time imagining her lilting voice singing some lullaby from his youth. Yet, for a few seconds, minutes, he could in fact hear her. Very quietly, before he opened his eyes, before the fantasy had time to shatter, he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

As Loki opened his eyes the music around him switched back to completely traditional orchestral music. He walked back from the edge of the platform, turned, and picked up the book on top of his 4 book stack. He found the chair closest to the edge of the platform and curled up on it. The leather bound book creaked more than it once had when opened but it was still only really noticeable to someone who had spent many hundreds of years caring for a library worth of books. Loki leaned on his left side, rested the open book on his right upper leg. He stayed like that, for the most part, for what could minutes or hours. Hours tended to be the more likely option for such activity. Time never seemed to move the same when reading compared to doing other things. 

Clint had been informed that Loki would now be a permanent resident of Stark Tower. A fact which he was completely against. Yes, he understood from both Steve and Tony that Loki was not a threat to humanity anymore. At the very least he wasn’t as much of a threat as he once was. Yet Clint didn’t understand why they had to share the same roof, food, living area. As the elevator doors opened he mumbled, “I would have been perfectly fine if he had stayed-” He froze the second he saw the Loki looking form at the far edge of the platform. He stepped out of the elevator and what he knew was proven true as Loki’s head shot up and they looked each other straight in the eye. Clint carefully walked to the chair opposite of Loki’s. He sat down and plucked the book right out of Loki’s lap. “I might be wrong but we need to have a little talk, sir.” He could feel the bile rise in the back of his throat even though he knew the man practically huddling before him could no longer control him. If anything Clint would or could be the man in charge here. He smiled, leaned back into the chair, and flipped casually though the book he had taken. He looked back up, “Anything you would like to say or should I go first?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2am. I'm practically half asleep. And I've been meaning to write and finish this chapter for a little less then a month. 
> 
> I'm pretty happy with how this chapter turned out. I have vague ideas and more concrete ideas of where I want the story to go. Which in the end might not matter because some characters (looking at Clint) wouldn't go where I had originally wanted them to go. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Even if you didn't I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks for reading.


	25. Chapter 25

With a wave of his hand Loki lowered the volume of the music he had been listening to. He sat up, let his feet fall and touch the ground. He took in a deep breath. Staring Clint straight in the eyes he said, “May I have my book back?”

Clint almost laughed. He had imagined this conversation over and over in his head since the first day he woke back up and was in control of his own body. He had reworked the scene each day. Sometimes the first face to face with his captor was in the middle of a battlefield in which neither got a chance to say much of anything, before Clint let an arrow fly into Loki’s neck. Sometimes he shot at Loki’s right eye. Sometimes it didn’t matter and Clint missed the shot just as he had done the first time. Other times he imagined seeing Loki in dark alleyways. The darkness used as a clear backdrop for what would happen whether it was Loki or Clint begging seemed to change each day. He would watch as Loki begged for forgiveness as he normally said nothing and could walk away leaving Loki to whatever fate was left for him. Late at night when Clint couldn’t sleep this first face to face was just a conversation. Sometimes they each played the part of almost friends or at the very least coworkers sharing a moment of peace. Though just as often it was a chance for Clint to lash out at any and all things that he deemed fit to lash out at. 

Heartbeat after heartbeat passed. Loki could feel his heart picking up speed as each beat sent the blood circulating through his body. He took in breath after breath hoping that he would be able to postpone any ill timed panic attacks. He wondered if Clint stabbed him now how long it would take him to bleed out with the rate his heart was beginning to speed up. He knew it wouldn’t take too long. 

The imagined conversations had almost completely stopped once the team had been told Loki was dead. There was little point in preparing for a speech that would never happen. Of course Clint had never tried to imagine Loki coming back from the dead. He had never thought he would play out any of the situations he had come up with. So this one, this moment, was something he could never truly have prepared for even after all the imagined conversations from before. And even before Loki’s “death” Clint had never pictured Loki sitting before of him in Clint’s own personal nest and asking for a book back.

Loki held his hand out as if silently restating the question from moments before. He was almost proud of himself when his hand didn’t shake. 

The pages fluttered softly as Clint flipped through the book, “What language is this even written in?” 

“Several,” Loki answered before he could stop himself, “though most of it is written in old norse.” He jabbed his hand a bit closer to Clint. “May I have it back now.” 

Clint looked back up when he heard the rather desperate note in Loki’s voice. He paused, letting the pages stop fluttering and asked, “Why do you care so much? You probably care more about this book then all the lives that were lost when you attacked. As if this matters more than the mothers and friends, children and families that were lost.” He slammed the book closed and watched as Loki flinched his way further back into the chair. “You might have fooled Tony or Steve. You might be able to convince this whole damn building that you’ve changed but I know you haven’t. I know how you enjoyed killing those people with your own two hands. I know how you think, how you act, as if you’re above everyone else. So what!?” Clint leaned forward. “You might be able to bribe Tony with a couple of cups of cheap coffee but you were in my head-”

“They weren’t cheap.” Loki didn’t bother trying to sit back up. If anything he shifted so he was further away from Barton’s rage.

“Does it really matter what you used to convince him you’re something you’re not. You haven’t changed. You can’t change. You-” Clint knew he was spiraling. This was how he imagined the conversation when he had first started playing with the scenarios. Maybe not these exact words but the way he way he couldn’t stop and think for a moment was the exact same. “You made me kill people. And I get that that sums up my job but you made me kill people I knew. Some of those people that I killed, that you killed, were my friends. And I’m supposed to get over it. I’m supposed to move on and what, forget what you did. Forget what you had me do. Forget how you threatened Natasha. As if because you make coffee and snacks everything is okay? You need to pay for what you did.” Clint realized that he had nearly dropped Loki’s book in his anger. His left hand already a fist and his right just barely holding the book. He forced his fingers to unclench themselves. Took the book in both hands and a part of him wanted to see if he could rip it in half. He wanted to see if destroying something of Loki’s would make up for everything Loki himself had destroyed. 

Loki closed his eyes and let his illusion fall once again.Though he didn’t know which was worse, having to bare his scars time and time again or the fact that the act was becoming more normal and less anxiety inducing than it once had been. Sure he couldn’t stand to look at the scars himself but at least he could settle with the fact that they were there all across his body. It still felt completely wrong to catch a stray glimpse of what remained behind the illusion. When he opened his eyes somehow everything felt heavier but his heart, for the moment, almost seemed calm. “I did pay. I paid time and time again for the damage and pain I brought upon Midgard. I was locked away. I was burned, whipped, nearly blinded.” Loki finally let his right hand drop onto his lap instead of letting it hang, waiting for a book that would probably never be handed back. “I...despite what you believe, did not enjoy what I did to Midgard. If I could I would take it all back. I would pay for it all tenfold with my own body and soul. However, I cannot change my actions just as you cannot change what happened when you were under my control. I paid for what I did. I’m sure it’s not enough and it might never be enough. I paid, Asgard thinks I’m dead, I wish-” Loki cut himself off. He shook his head and continued on a slightly different thought. “I assure you I wish no more harm to come to Midgard. All I want is to exist and maybe find a way to live with what I did.”

Clint stared. He couldn’t seem to turn away. He just took it all in; the bent fingers, cracked bones, dulled eyes, and charred skin. He could see how many sleepless nights that Loki must have endured from the bags under his eyes alone. The clothing seemed to hang from his body as if Loki hadn’t eaten in some time. And of course Clint noticed the markings that looked tribal in nature, lines so deliberate, so clear cut. He wondered how long it took to carve them.

“Does it please you?” Loki shifted so he was on the edge of his seat. He could hear the sharp intake of breath from the man sitting before him. Years ago he might even have taken pleasure in that reaction. Instead he focused his energy on getting out of the chair, standing straight and tall without flinching. He bent down as if he was bowing to some master but it wasn’t quite low enough to be confused for such an act. Holding his right hand out once more he asked, “May I please have my book back? I wasn’t finished rereading it. I highly doubt that you would have any proper use for it.”

He didn’t know how to answer Loki’s question and he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to. Instead Clint stayed silent, watched as Loki stood up, and shook his head at how thin the god’s skin was. He shrugged a shoulder and handed the book back to Loki still without saying a word.

“My thanks,” Loki said as he took the book from Clint’s hand. He made sure not to touch him nor to linger. He backed away, picked up the other books he had brought and looked to the ceiling for a mere heartbeat. “Jarvis, I would like to go back to my rooms.”

The elevator door opened with a soft ding, “Of course, Mr. Friggason.”

Clint stayed in his chair long after Loki was gone. After awhile he looked to Jarvis's camera just above the elevator doors. “I assume you’ve either told Tony about this already or you are figuring out if you should. If you haven’t and he doesn’t know yet I’d like to ask that you keep this between you, me, and Loki. Tony doesn’t need to know. Nothing happened.” 

Nothing happened, yet. Jarvis knew it might not be the same the next time Mr. Friggason and Mr. Barton were in the same room. He justified what he was planning to do because Mr. Barton was right, this time nothing happened. “I will not tell Stark about this meeting but I will not hesitate to inform him if I deem it necessary to do so in the future.”

“Thank you, Jarvis.” Clint and Loki said the same sentiment roughly at the same time.

By the time Loki reached his apartment he realized he needed to bake something. Not because he was particularly hungry but because he hoped it would stop any panic attacks from taking over. A way to calm his nerves. As the elevator doors opened on the 77th floor Loki let a green light seep across his body to hide all that was wrong with it. He stepped out into the living room and set his books down on an end table. Ignoring his shaking hands, and body, as he made his way into the kitchen. Looking to the ceiling he said, “Please.” He looked down at his hands, uncertain if he would be able to hold anything to be able to cook. “Please, inform me next time Barton is close by. I don’t wish to speak with him unless it is by my own terms.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LydiaJean1331 asked "What do imagine as Loki's soundtrack? I would be interested in listening to it as I read." and I know I already answered them but incase anyone else had that question I thought I would put the playlist here. https://open.spotify.com/user/mioness/playlist/5Wg9BDFU2dK5wP3MtxR2wJ
> 
> Thank you for reading.


	26. Chapter 26

Loki methodically opened each and every cupboard, forcing his hands to still before opening each one. He started with those closest to the left which were all lower than his waist. He then moved to the ones in the middle of the room which were both high and low. By the time Loki reached the last cupboard on the right side of the room all were left wide open. He darted back and forth as he dug around in the cupboards, fridge, and freezer. He found flour, baking powder, chocolate, baking soda, jams of several flavors, mint, salt, every and any ingredient he could need to bake with till the sun came up the next morning. 

A bit of tension left Loki’s body when he found a kettle he had almost forgot he had packed. It was resting, already full of water, on the stove top. He figured Rogers must have put it there when he brought the box it was in up to this floor. He poured out the water and refilled it with fresh, one could never be too careful. Loki turned the knob, listened as the stove clicked once, twice, and then the flame turned on. As he waited for the water to boil he gathered up bowls, measuring cups, and plugged in the mixer. 

He would start by making chocolate chip cookies. They were something mostly unfamiliar before his time spent at Tea and Potions but since opening the shop the recipe became something like an old friend. Easy tasks that he didn’t have to think about too closely anymore. Loki could automatically turn to preheat the oven as he set aside a bowl for his dry ingredients. He finished cracking in the eggs as the kettle started it’s low hiss that soon would grow into a full on screech. He turned off the flame and poured the water into his mug before his mind could carry and trap him in memories he would rather forget. He turned back to the cookie dough as steam rose up from his mug. Poured in the chocolate chips and stirred before going back and taking a sip from his mug. The first batch of cookies was ready and in the oven before he even finished his first cup of tea. 

He ended up making six trays of cookies before his hands stopped shaking on their own and he felt ready to bake something else. Then he poured his anxiety into brownie mix. As if the sweet chocolate could somehow erase the bitter tang that stuck to his tongue. Unfortunately, brownies were just as mindless as making cookies. Before long Loki’s mind started wandering from the tasks he had set before him. At first he kept repeating what Clint had said in an endless seeming litany, “Why do you care so much? You can’t change. Mothers and friends, children and families that were lost. You can’t change. You need to pay for what you did. You can’t change. As if you’re above everyone else…” 

Before long, without realizing it Loki was crouched in front of the open oven door. He was frozen in place and perched to push the brownie pans in. The once pleasant warmth seemed stifling. His old burns seemed to itch. He could hear the echo of bones snapping and wondered faintly if they belonged to him or the mothers and friends, children and families he killed. He blinked, tried to force his mind clear, perhaps there was nothing left to clear. He was too warm. He was burning. He couldn’t breathe, could feel the fingers wrapped around his throat. Could feel the smoke settling in his lungs. The imagined fingers moved and let him take in a shuttering breath. He knew they were imagined or at least he hoped they were.

Tony jerked awake and banged the back of his head on the light he must have moved closer before succumbing to sleep. “Jarv, I was sleeping,” Tony mumbled. He blearily looked at the ceiling, tried to make everything fall into focus, and confusedly repeated, “I was sleeping.” 

“I am sorry to wake you sir but you had asked me to report if Loki experienced any panic attacks.”

Tony blinked up at the ceiling once, twice, and then it hit him. “Shit.” He started to stand up only to hit the back of his head on the light from earlier. He pushed it away and successfully got out of the chair. The elevator doors started opening before he even pushed the button. If anyone had seen him Tony would have insisted he hadn’t been running which was technically true but he definitely wasn’t just walking to the elevator either. 

Loki tried to calm down. He tried to stand up and focus his energy on something, anything that that wasn’t in his head. But his legs just couldn’t seem to hold him. He almost convinced himself they must have been broken again. He placed a hand over his knee and tried to heal his legs, his arms, his everything. He bit down before he could cry out as magic flared that couldn’t be used. His magic slipped through his fingers, he couldn’t seem to grasp any of it. His seidr was completely out of reach. The music that he had been playing cut off mid note. The lack of magic and music was an absence which burned an emptiness through his veins. On top of it all he could still hear what Clint had said but so many other voices had joined in as well, “Wherever you go there is war, ruin, and death. How pretty your bones sound when they snap between my fingers. The Queen is dead. Some of those people that I killed, that you killed, were my friends. Come on little argr why don’t you scream anymore? It’s your fault. Your birthright was to die, as a child, cast out onto a frozen rock. No more magic tricks to save you.”

The doors were only half open before Tony rushed between them. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the disarray of the kitchen and turned toward it. It looked like the culinary version of his lab, everything a mess but most likely in an easy to find place. And there was Loki, slumped on the floor half curled into a ball between the island counter and the open oven. Tony was there in seconds, checked that nothing was on fire, and closed the oven door.

Something slammed shut. No something broke or snapped or ripped. No it was just the oven door. No it was himself, his seidr Loki opened his eyes and saw Tony crouching in front of him. He flinched.

Tony leaned back and let himself almost gently fall to the floor so he wasn’t crowding into Loki’s space. He ran a hand through his hair and started babbling, “So Loks, I leave you alone for a few minutes and you start to fall to pieces on me. I mean are you even breathing right now,” Tony sighs. “Look I don’t know what happened. I really don’t. Jarvis said you were freaking out okay he didn’t put it that way but yeah. So, breathing is a good idea. In and out and stuff in a calm and normal way. I normally am better at this or at least I can pretend to be but honestly I just woke up and hit my head twice. It’s been a hell of a wake up. Obviously I’m not complaining. You’re having a worse time I’m sure. See there you go with the normal breathing that must be better. I know it is. Panic attacks suck but it’s alright. Your fine and safe and you’re not wherever your head dropped you off.”

Loki listened to the inane prattling. It wasn’t necessarily calming. It wasn’t his music. But it was something that wasn’t the voices in his head or the lack of magic at his fingertips. He stayed on the floor for sometime but at least he knew for certain where he was and who he was with.


	27. Chapter 27

Tony continued talking about any and everything. Mostly though he was talking about nothing. As if babbling could make up for the panic attack Loki had just went through. Maybe it would, how would Tony know. His voice rose and fell. Sometimes it got louder. Sometimes his voice was soft as white noise. He only began to slow down when Loki finally sat up. “What happened, Reindeer Games?”

“Stark? Would you mind shutting up for even a second?” Loki wasn’t going to let on that at least in part he was so terribly grateful for the inane prattling that had been going on for longer than he cared to admit. He didn’t want to feel indebted just because he still couldn’t quite seem to take care of himself. Now, what little bit of seider he had was so used that Loki knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything with it for days. He would be alone for days. 

Tony rolled his eyes as he looked down at Loki, “Fine. I’ll shut up” He said it with a huff at the end. As if being quiet was asking for almost too much but he managed.

Loki nodded and scrambled out of Tony's arms. He hadn’t realized until that moment how close Tony was. How close he had allowed someone to get. He didn’t need some mortal hovering over him like he some injured bird. More importantly he didn’t need anyone, in general, holding him. Let alone the fact that Tony had been holding him close to the oven which had helped cause his spiral in the first place. Loki leaned against the counters in the middle of the kitchen till he was as far from the open oven as he could currently get. “Firstly, would you...could you close the oven door?” He despised how much his voice trembled when he asked. Taking a deep breath Loki hoped for everything to finish calming down before he would have to say anything else. 

With a groan Tony stood back up. He checked that nothing was currently in the oven, burning or otherwise. He closed the oven and turned it off for good measure. Then he turned back to Loki, “I know you said I should shut up. And I technically did that. I didn't say anything for several whole seconds. So do you think we could move this into the other room, any other room? Preferably one with chairs.”

Nodding Loki carefully stood up. He leaned against the counter, trying to get his hands to calm their shaking. In trying to do that Loki nearly knocked a bowl off the counter. He flinched back toward the oven at the crash from the bowl. He froze, bit down on his tongue, and left the room. Before he left he noticed that bowl managed to somehow stay on the counter, as if that really mattered in the slightest. 

Tony followed after him, “Loks, you okay?”

“I am most certainly not okay!” Loki sunk down into the leather of the couch as if he could get lucky be swallowed up whole. “I can’t even bake without...without huddling up like some helpless child. Baking is supposed to be like making a potion. It’s meant to be comforting and calming and skillful and freeing. But-” Loki’s breathing was speeding up once more. Soon he would be hyperventilating. “But it’s too mindless! My mind drifts and here I am hearing things that are not there. I am not...I’m not there. I know that. But everything the voices said are true. Or at least they are true enough. I can’t change. I need to pay for what I did. Wherever I go is war, ruin, and death. It must be me, my fault, it is always my fault.” The tears were rolling down Loki’s face and he was having more and more trouble taking in a breath. “I should be dead instead of all of them. I can’t...I cannot live like this. Without my magic.”

“Whoa hold up there.” Tony held up a hand as if to say stop a second time. “Okay. I thought you still had at least some of your mojo.”

“It’s gone. I reached out for it and it’s gone.”

Tony let out a breath, he was too tired for this. It was too early for this. “Maybe you just used too much at one time? Let it charge up and try again in the morning or later today or whatever. As for the voices you were hearing.” He ran a hand through his hair causing it to stick out in all angles. “You’re right. They aren’t there. The voices, whatever they are saying, aren’t there and even if they were I’m sure they’re lying. You are safe here or at least I and Jarvis are trying to make sure you’re safe.” Tony sat down in a chair across from Loki and leaned in a bit closer. “Everything will be alright. I think it will be better after you’ve gotten some sleep. So you can either sleep out here or in your bedroom. Either way, if you want me to stay I will. I know what it’s like to feel alone especially after a panic attack. But you’re not. You’re not alone. You have me and Jarvis and I’m sue there are others who care about you.”

A small smile flitted across Loki’s face and was gone just as quickly. He shifted around till he was comfortable on the couch. His back firmly pressed against the leather. No one and nothing could sneak up on him except maybe his own thoughts.

“Jarvis, how about some music. Something instrumental. Less workshop and more Starbucks if you know what I mean.”

“Of course, sir.”

Loki didn’t fall asleep right away. He wasn’t sure he ever completely fell asleep that night. He did rest though. His breathing evened out. His heart rate slowed down. And the voices that that seemed so loud earlier filtered away till they were distant memories. Perhaps he did sleep. But if he did, for once, he did not dream. He closed his eyes and what felt like seconds later he opened them to find he actually felt rested. The lights were dim. The music Tony had requested was still quietly playing from speakers throughout the room. Tony himself was still sitting across from him. Loki drifted back to sleep knowing that for this night he would be safe. Knowing that if something did happen someone would be there to help. For the first time in years Loki drifted to sleep with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So It's been a little over three months since I updated this story. Thank you so much for sticking with me. I didn't get a chance to do much of anything other then school work for the past few months. But I did get straight A's for the first time in forever. 
> 
> I am still working on this story and I will finish it eventually. I still very much love writing and there are definitely a few more things I'd like to include in this story. Thank you for reading and I hope you stick with me.


	28. Chapter 28

The next morning Loki woke up slowly. He seemed to float back to consciousness bit by bit. When he finally woke up, completely, his breathing hitched before quickly evening out. If anyone had looked over at him it would have looked like he was still fast asleep. The music from the night before was still playing gently around him. As if Jarvis had actually tried to make him comfortable even in sleep. Loki opened his eyes and for brief minute thought he was alone. Surprised that he found that thought upsetting, he was happier then he should have been when Tony walked back into the room. He had a mug in each hand and held one out to Loki. Loki pushed back the blanket that he didn’t remember covering himself with and reached out for the offered mug.

“Sorry it’s probably not up to your normal standard but not all of us can be amazing baristas.” Tony passed him an obscenely large mug which was a bit too full.

“One would think after years of drowning yourself in coffee you would be able to at least pour the proper amount of liquid into a cup,” Loki said with a small smile as he grasped the mug. He quickly sipped before any could spill over the sides. Throat bobbing as he swallowed. Rather abruptly the mug banged as Loki put it down on the little round table in front of him. Despite drinking some to keep it from spilling, peppermint tea sloshed over the sides. Coughing a bit Loki leaned away from the offending mug. The corners of Loki’s lips turned down and his eyes were so narrow they were almost closed for a moment. Shaking his head he walked into the kitchen and started boiling a new pot of water. 

Tony had started to almost chug his cup of coffee but stopped mid gulp as Loki left the room. “What’s wrong with it?” He had put in the sugar and milk and done all the steps he had seen Bruce do time and time again. At least he was pretty sure he did. Putting down his mug of coffee Tony picked up the abandoned mug of and took a sip. “Oh,” his eyebrows lowered and formed an almost comical little V on his forehead.

Loki came back into the room. “How much sugar, Tony?” He threw a roll of paper towels at Tony’s face before he disappeared back into the kitchen.

Putting down the mug Tony reached for the paper towels that had hit him in the nose and rolled across the carpet. 

By the time Loki returned, the table was clean and the mug was empty. “Please don’t tell me you drank all that sludge.” 

“It wasn’t…”

Loki cut off Tony’s argument with a single look. 

“Okay so it wasn’t great. But think about this. That was the first cup of tea I’ve, you know, put together in probably five years.” Tony drank some of his perfectly brewed and sweetened coffee.   
Holding his newly poured cup of tea close to him as if trying to protect it from Tony, Loki shook his head in disbelief. “How much sugar did you put in because I didn’t even know drinks could get that cloyingly sweet. Yet despite the absorbent amount of sugar it still managed to have a bitter undertone of some sort. I’m rather certain there were bits of leaves floating around which I had no option but to drink. All of that is ignoring the rather disturbing fact that you picked the largest mug I own yet still could have used a larger mug to hold that monstrosity you insist upon calling tea.”

“Fine. I’ll leave the tea making to you and Brucie. I’ll stay in my lane and keep with the coffee.”

Loki laughed. It was a quiet almost cautious sounding laugh. “That might be for the best.”

The two sat in silence for a few moments, comfortable silence. The music continued to play in the background making sure it was never completely silent in the room.

Once Loki’s cup was empty he stood up. Walking over to Tony he snatched up his mug as well. “Would you like something sickeningly sweet or a bit more widely enjoyed?” Before Tony had a chance Loki was making his way to the kitchen.

As Tony leaned back in his chair the mug full of the god awful tea floated off of the table and flew into the kitchen. “I...uh...I guess I was right.”

A loud hum of inquiry was heard from the direction of the kitchen along with the quiet chiming of silver spoons tapping against various cups.

Talking a bit louder Tony called out, “Your magic or whatever just needed a recharge. It must be back or else you wouldn’t have been able to wingardium leviosa that mug.”

“Wingardium leviousa.”

Tony could hear the question though it definitely wasn’t phrased as one. “It’s spell not wait it’s a charm in this book series. I think you would like it, Harry Potter. It’s about this kid who finds out he’s a wizard. He goes to wizard school and fights bad guys. It’s a cornerstone of earthy pop culture.” 

Carrying two mugs and balancing a large plate of cookies on top of them Loki came back into the room. “Are you recommending these books simply because I’m what you consider to be a wizard or because they actually matter to Midgardians.”

“A little bit of both actually.”

Loki put everything down without spilling a drop or crumb. He handed Tony the coffee he had specially made for him. Then he curled up on the couch with his second cup of tea and several chocolate chip cookies. “Go on. Tell me what you think.”

Eying Loki, looking for a sign of anything from mischief to an evil plot, Tony took the smallest sip of coffee he ever had in his entire life. Only a drop of coffee actually managed to get out of the cup and onto his tongue. Tony tried again and this time he could actually taste the coffee. It was good, possibly a bit too much naturally pepperminty for Tony’s tastes but the chocolate want well with it.

As Tony started chugging the fresh cup of coffee Loki said, “It turns out that tea is good for something. It pairs with my chocolate coffee rather well. Not great but I suppose you’ll make due. Take a cookie. Take as many as you want I have six trays worth.”

Tony drank the last dredges of his coffee and picked up a cookie. Speaking with a mouthful of half of a rather large cookie Tony mumbled, “You wanna talk about it?”

Trying to play dumb Loki asked, “Talk about what.”

After finishing the cookie Tony said, “The panic attack. I get it if you don’t want to talk about it but sometimes it can help. I’m here for you and your baked goods. And if you don’t tell me what happened I’ll probably badger Jarvis who won’t tell me until I hack my own system. I just...I feel bad because it probably only happened because I let you live here and I don’t want to continue some cycle of whatever mental abuse trip you’re on.” Tony picked up another cookie. He made a face which was almost comical, eyes wide and mouth agape. “I bet Clint came up here didn’t he. Idiot. I didn’t tell Jarvis to lock down the place and you wouldn’t have thought of it.”

Before Tony could ramble himself into a panic Loki interrupted him. “It was my own fault alright. I…” He was going to lie, wanted to lie. With a sigh he told the truth despite the knotting of his stomach that followed the decision. Tony deserved that at least, the truth. “I left these rooms yesterday. I went to the gardens and lost myself in a book. Barton snuck up on me which won’t happen again.” He looked pointedly at one of Jarvis’s cameras. “He shared some obvious insight into how he feels about me. It is not as big of a deal as you seem to think it is.” Loki nibbled at one of the cookies he had grabbed, “And you’re wrong. I did not have a panic attack because of you. I had one because I am weak and a fool. It will not happen again.”

Tony pushed himself out of the chair and walked over to Loki, “You’re not weak or a fool or an argr whatever that means.” He leaned down and hugged Loki for a few seconds. As he leaned back he said, “Jarvis if you hide something like this from me again I will rewire your entire system till the only thing you’ll be good for is basic surveillance.” 

“Of course, sir. I should have told you but-”

“But I asked Jarvis to keep it between us.” Loki grimaced at the bitter taste that little lie left on his tongue. “I thought that you would not need to know or be bothered by an incident which will not happen again. And I assure you it will not happen again. I have many more panic attacks which I will face in my rather long life but having a conversation with Barton will not cause any more of them. That’s all it was, a conversation, no one was hurt.”

Shaking his head Tony disagreed, “You were hurt. Besides you don’t get to control a panic attack. Not really.” Tony took another cookie, “How about we get something to eat.”

“We have something to eat,” Loki said holding up his partly eaten cookie.

“I meant something vaguely nutritional like pizza or something deep fried or both.”

Loki laughed and finished his cookie. “Pizza would be nice.”

“You heard the wand-carrier, Jarvis. Call up that pizza place. The good one. The one with the slices the size of Steve’s dorito body. Put in an order for one of everything. No actually, two of everything. We can send the leftovers throughout the tower if there even are leftovers.” Tony flopped down on the couch beside Loki. “Continue to charge up your magic batteries, today we watching all the Disney you don’t know about, eating all the pizza, and not thinking about a single thing. It’s my coping mechanism of choice. Probably not the best one out there but it’s the one I like best.”


	29. Chapter 29

Twenty minutes into Lilo and Stitch the pizza order arrived. The elevator doors opened and Tony paused the movie. “Help me move some of this would ya?” 

“Why would I do that. You’re the one who decided we needed two of everything this eatery had to offer.” Loki reached toward the remote that Tony had left on the couch and nearly pressed play when Tony came back with nothing in his hands.

“Exactly, I decided we needed two of everything because I remember the last time an Asgardian tried to eat me out of house and home. So if you want to actually eat any of this delicious food I suggest you help me get it out of the elevator.” Tony snatched the remote out from under Loki’s fingers and tossed it onto a chair across the room. “Now you at least have to get up.”

Sighing Loki uncrossed his legs and stood. “Fine.”

It took almost ten minutes of walking back and forth. Ten minutes of Loki carrying either an impossible quantity of boxes and bags or carrying the lightest of things. Ten minutes of Tony slightly regretting his decision to order an actual mountain of pizza and other nonhealthy foods that Pepper was certain to shame him for later. 

Loki settled back on the couch. His legs folded once more so his feet were tucked under his legs. On his lap sat a box of pizza covered in spinach, broccoli, mushrooms, green peppers, and tomatoes. 

Practically falling back onto the couch Tony reached out and grabbed the nearest pizza sized box and started devouring a pizza covered in meats. 

As the movie continued Loki settled into calmly picking the tomatoes off of the pizza he had selected. Soon enough all the bits of red were off of his pizza and he started eating as he watched the little blue monstrosity dart across the screen. As long as he didn’t look down at the red sauce he was fine. 

They spent several hours eating or snacking yet barely making a dent in the mountainous pile of food. Stitch got a family. A mermaid who wished for legs. Some women apparently saved some place called China because she was a good warrior. Loki looked down at the remains of the fourth pizza he was eating. He didn’t know why he felt the pressing need to cry as if any of these stories meant anything. Of course he could see the parallels between himself and 626. Perhaps Loki could see a bit of himself in Ariel but he could also see himself in Ursula, a monster cast out for one reason or another. It did sting a bit that some untrained warrior, let alone a mortal woman, was a better fighter than he was after how many hundreds of years of training. 

Tony cleaned up some of the boxes as the end credits rolled for Mulan. “You’re going to keep all of this food.”  
“Why would I do that. You ordered it.”

“Which one of us is practically skin and bones wrapped in a burrito of sleep deprivation? Hint, I’m pretty sure it’s you. Which means you win the feast of food. Also I don’t really feel like moving it up to my floor so even if you don’t want it it’s staying here.”

Loki placed the empty box on top of the others. “Fine. Though don’t think you can get away with this.”

Laughing Tony asked, “Get away with what?”

 

The end credits finally stopped and Loki stood up. He stretched a bit which caused a few loud pops and cracks to creak from his bones. He stepped up in front of Tony, “Get away with what you think you’re doing. You think when you leave I’ll eat all that you have left. That I’ll get better with a bit of food and rest or whatever else. I might, I suppose it’s rather difficult to determine what will pass. But you think I don’t notice. I do. I do notice. I’m not...I’m not an invalid. I can take care of myself.” 

Tony took a step back. “I get that you can take care of yourself Reindeer Games. But you seem to have a problem with following through on that. That’s why I’m here and Jarvis is here. Now if you don’t mind I have some work to get done. Apparently Pepper can’t run my entire company without me. Who would have thought.”

Loki raised an eyebrow but before he could say anything Tony continued, “I know. I thought she could take care of everything but apparently I’m still needed for meetings. I’ll be free for more movies later tonight. Though you could always have Jarvis pull some up for you or something.”

Once Tony Left Loki settled back down on the couch and rewatched Lilo and Stitch with a bowl of garlic knots resting on one knee and a bowl of broccoli bites on the other. He was half way through the sequel when he realized that he had eaten almost a quarter of the food from the mountain that Tony had ordered. He had done it almost completely without meaning to. It had simply been there and he kept reaching. A mindless action. He pushed the boxes off of his lap and stood up. Carefully pushing the table away from the couch Loki made certain he wouldn’t eat any more from the table. He didn’t need Tony to come back and make a big deal out of mindless nothings. 

Pausing the movie Loki walked to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. With a flick of his wrist Loki started the flame without turning the knob. He gathered his mug and tea bag with a smile on his face. His seidr was back or at least partly recharged. Everything would be alright now. He would have a cup of tea, finish the movie, and then continue on living. Though perhaps living would be at least slightly less difficult now than it had been.


	30. Chapter 30

Loki was starting to get used to life in Stark Tower. More accurately he was as used to living in Stark’s home as he was going to get. He went to bed each night though some nights it was closer to sunrise than sunset. Sometimes, despite everything, he actually managed to fall asleep. He would curl up against the pillows and become firmly tucked in the sheets. He would throw a blanket or two on top as if the impossible fluffiness they could provide would halt the nightmares he knew could come. Eventually Loki would close his eyes and sometimes he would drift off to sleep. More often than not he would wake up with a scream on his lips and a dream still playing on his inner eyes. Yet, he seemed to find sleep more often here then he had above his tea shop. More accurately he closed his eyes and found marginally more rest here then he did when trying to sleep above Tea and Potions.

Here Loki had Jarvis, who wasn’t really a friend but he certainly wasn’t a foe. Jarvis at least, didn’t expect things from him. He didn’t expect anything or treat Loki as something subhuman. Nor did Jarvis complain about having him around. Jarvis may have been a mere creation by Tony Stark but he was more than just a voice meant to serve. When Loki couldn’t sleep they talked, about any and everything. When Loki was having difficulties and couldn’t seem to form the words to accurately explain, Jarvis learned and knew what was needed. Here, in Stark Tower, Loki finally felt like he had someone who cared. If he was in a gracious mood he would admit to himself at least that he had more than one person who actually cared about him. Those times were few and far between but they at least happened.

Jarvis learned Loki’s habits. He did this for everyone in the tower because it made his job easier. At least that was how he justified the action. His original purpose as programmed by Tony was to take care of everything in the tower. That care included those who were living in the tower. Of course, Tony would always be his top priority, in part due to his programming and in part because he genuinely cared. Yet, Loki very quickly was becoming a person Jarvis cared about instead of simply serving because of code. He could tell Loki needed water for tea to start boiling when the tremors started shaking him almost imperceptibly. Jarvis would lower or raise the blinds before Loki even needed to ask merely based upon the creases lining his forehead. Jarvis took care of Loki as if he had always been a part of the house. If he thought about it, Jarvis figured it was because he could see the patterns; late nights, zoning out, trouble sleeping, the self blame and fear. He had seen these habits before and he liked to think he could make a difference in how Loki was coping. 

When Jarvis couldn’t quite solve the problem he had to make the decision on whether or not to tell Tony. He didn’t always make Tony aware of Loki and his problems. He calculated when it was appropriate to intercede versus letting Loki settle the problem on his own. Most mornings Jarvis let Loki settle down on his own. Though Jarvis would try and help by playing music or adjusting the temperature of the room. Small things that if Loki had been more cognizant at the time he would have noticed. When Loki had a panic attack during the afternoon he was more accepting of Tony and his “inane prattling.” However, on the mornings where Jarvis did wake up Tony and send him down to face a Loki in the middle of a panic attack, Loki would spit and grumble and almost always worked himself into a shriek that never seemed to end. If anything, hearing someone other than Jarvis would just make Loki lash out. His nails became talons. He would bite at anything in reach and scratch with indiscretion. The worse case scenario of having Tony made aware of the morning panic attacks as they happened was that the second he entered floor 77 Loki could tumble further into his own mind. He would ask, beg, and sometimes eventually cry for mercy. As if Tony was the one throwing the punches. So most mornings Jarvis watched as Loki found his own way out of the panic. Most mornings Loki would be fine-ish on his own.

Eventually when the attack ended and the panic faded. Loki would ask what happened. After asking his question or questions in as few words as possible he would be silent. He would pace the entire floor. Music would fill every room he entered. Once his heart rate slowed he would threaten to tear Jarvis out of the very walls for daring to think he would want or need Stark to help him. Fewer times he would make the same threats for Jarvis thinking that he needed a computer to help him when he had been doing fine for centuries own his own.

Jarvis didn’t mind. Tony sometimes had threatened metaphorical bodily harm too but it never happened.

Almost every morning as the sun rose Loki would leave his bed. Some days he fought his way out of the covers before the sun even had a chance to start its ascension. He shuffled into the kitchen and would made a cup of tea. He would drink from his favorite large mug while reading a carefully chosen book. Once the mug was empty he would walk back to the kitchen and clean it before any ill wanted stains could learn to stay. When it was clean he placed it back in the cupboard. Some mornings, most mornings, were broken up by rapid heart rates, intrusive memories that he tried his best to push away, the uncontrollable need to fight or flee. Yet each time something happened he pushed through it and eventually continued on his way. He got dressed. He left the tower and went to work. He baked in Tea and Potions for hours on end. Every so often he wouldn’t return to the tower, instead he would bake well into the night and then the next morning. Now though he had somewhere to go. He would eventually leave his shop and walk in the fresh air on his way back to the tower. Loki was surviving better than he had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this took so long. I just sort of hit this patch where I couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to happen. I promise I haven't abandoned this story!


	31. Chapter 31

“Come on Doctor Tall and Gloomy it’s time for you to get out of your room and talk with people other than the current present genius in the room.”

Loki placed his tea on the table beside him. He rummaged around for his bookmark and secured it in his book before answering Tony. “I’m certain Jarvis hasn’t grown bored of me quite yet. Besides, I left my room just yesterday. In case you forgot I still do run Tea and Potions. Business is booming as they say.”

Tony walked around the couch and thought about sitting on the arm of the chair Loki was sitting on. Just before he made that probably fatal move he thought better of it and stood in front of Loki instead. “I meant get you into a different room of the tower.”

“Is this your rather inadequate way of asking for a coffee?”

Rolling his eyes Tony said, “Come upstairs. We’re having a family movie marathon in the media center-”

“No thank you,” Loki cut him off before Tony could start talking about the pros and cons of watching certain movies in an audience or something else equally insignificant. He opened his book, carefully plucked his bookmark from between its pages, and continued to read. 

Now Tony decided to sit down. Though he made the better decision to sit on the couch instead of making any attempt to invade Loki’s personal space. “Come on it’ll be fun. We’ll have popcorn, candy, soda, whatever food thing you could need to watch some movies. Though I should warn you it’s Steve’s night to pick movies. I mean he’s okay at picking but sometimes his choices are questionable. Not like I have any room to complain. If he asks I wasn’t complaining. I’m just putting-”

Loki sighed as he looked up, “Tony. I’m not saying no because a lack of food.”

“I know. You’re worried about the company. But you have to talk with them eventually. And if you talk with them now they’ll be in a good mood.

“They won’t be in a good mood once they see me. Besides I wouldn’t wish to invade a sacred place of team bonding.” Loki reached over and nearly knocked over his mug before he could take a sip.

“I want you there. And I know Thor would like to see you. And the others probably want to see the supposed big bad we have in the tower. Come on. You don’t even need to stay. Just pop out from behind me, say boo, and come back up here. If you stay I might even be able to let you pick the second movie we watch.” Tony moved his eyebrows up and down as if to emphasis his point. Then he started to fight his way out of the couch. When he finally managed to free himself he mumbled, “This couch it the real enemy.”  
“Hey, don’t make fun of my couch. It’s very comfortable. And it’s only difficult to get out of if you struggle. Like any true villain the harder you fight the harder it will fight back.” Loki looks Tony straight in the eyes as his smiles the smile he likes to save for situations of war and villainy. It’s one that shows off his teeth and stretches across his whole face. Fandral had once told him that smile made him look like an animal. Loki had decided to take that as a compliment despite Fandral’s clear intention of the opposite. 

Standing up much easier than Tony had, Loki leaned down to pick up his half empty mug. After walking to the kitchen with his mug in one hand and his book held in the other with index and middle fingers holding his place. Loki emptied his almost cold tea down the sink. He returned to his chair to rebookmark his book before carefully pushing it back onto its place on the bookshelf. With a final tap it was perfectly in line with all of the other books “I believe it’s time for us to go up a couple of floors so I can say boo and you can leave me alone.”

By the time the elevator reached floor eighty five all the other Avengers had reached the floor. Steve had mostly figured out what they were going to watch. Clint was gathering snacks though most of them would be strategically placed so all his favorites would be in easy reach once he sat down. Natasha was gathering the drinks.Thor was already sitting down on a couch. And Bruce was trying to decide if he would need a cup of tea to help get through family movie night. As his back was turned something smashed. He sighed and put the kettle on.

Tony got out of the elevator first. He was already talking as the elevator doors opened, “Okay, so everybody don’t freak out all at once but I brought a plus one to movie time.” As the sentence ended Loki stepped out of the elevator and stayed slightly behind Tony. 

Clint turned and dropped the entire bowl of chips he had been carrying. He reached up for an arrow before he realized he didn’t have any. He had to left his hand fall back down to his side. Instead of fighting or doing anything else he just stood there. 

Thor was off the couch a mere second before Clint’s bowl smashed against the floor. “Brother! It’s so good to see you.” 

Loki nearly flinched as Thor stood and started to make his way toward him. All he could hear was ‘I know you seek vengeance as much as I do. You help me escape Asgard, and I will grant it to you. Vengeance. And afterward, this cell.’ The word cell kept ringing through his head. He knew Thor had said other things both on that day and after. Yet all Loki could think about was how close Thor was getting. Thor was going to grab him and take him back. Loki had been gone for so long and they still thought him dead. He had lied. He had cheated. He would burn. He-

Seeing that Loki’s breathing was beginning to become unstable Jarvis spoke up, “Boo.” He said it with the same intonation Loki had when it had been said earlier. This worked on two levels, it forced Loki out of his own thoughts and Thor stopped walking closer to his brother.

With a snap of his fingers the fragments of the bowl and all the chips rose up from the floor. “I assume you won’t want these particular chips anymore. Would you like me to dispose of them?”

“NO, I DON’T WANT THEM,” Clint shouted. He glared at Tony. He glowered at Loki. He practically slightly pleaded for someone to take his side. “I don’t want him here. I get that he lives here. That’s...fine. It’s fine. He can live on his floor. I can live on mine. But I just want to sit and watch a movie and not feel like someone is going to cut my throat in the middle of it. I don’t think that’s asking for too much. Nat, is that asking for too much? It’s hard enough to live here when he’s on a different floor. But I can handle it now. I don’t need him invading places I live in. That is not what I agreed to.”

Making sure to not take his eyes off Clint, Loki waved his hand. All the chips and bits of ceramic bowl flew out of the room and into the kitchen where they landed in the sink with a quiets little chiming sound. “As I said when we were downstairs, Tony, they won’t be happy once I show up. I was right. Now if you don’t mind I’ll leave you all to your movie. I’ll be on my floor.” Loki started to back his way to the elevator which thankfully was only a handful of steps away so it didn’t look as awkward when he didn’t turn around. His gaze darted across the room as he worked to keep himself in the present. He tried and mostly failed to not envision everyone in this room torturing him as Asgard had. “A thousand pardons.” With that final sentence said Loki pressed the elevator button.


	32. Chapter 32

Loki pressed the button for the elevator. Then he pressed it again and again. It didn’t take long for him to realize that the elevator wasn’t coming. Taking his eyes off of the Avengers for the first time since he arrived Loki looked at Jarvis’s nearest camera, “Jarvis, you bacraut! Open the damn elevator door so I can leave.”

Jarvis was calculating as fast as he could. He was reviewing the days and weeks since Loki started living in the tower and how that addition was affecting everyone that he was meant to care for. When Loki was in residence on his personal floors Clint was reluctant to leave his rooms. That self lockdown almost always continued even when Jarvis assured him that Loki was no longer in the tower. Bruce carried himself eleven percent stiffer since the god had taken up residence. Steve spent as much time in the gym as he had when he had first moved in. He and Thor were going through reinforced punching bags almost faster than Jarvis could anticipate in order to purchase more. Consumption of tea and liquor had increased across the tower and its occupants. The only one who didn’t seem to be affected was Natasha. Though Jarvis always had the hardest time getting reading on her and her specific needs. If Jarvis could have sighed he most likely would have. “I am putting my metaphorical foot down. You are going to sit down and talk this out.”

“There is nothing to talk about. I shouldn’t have come up. It was a lapse in judgment. Now if you would kindly open the door I’ll be on my way. If not I could just find a different route.” Loki lowered his arm knowing that pressing the button wouldn’t do anything at this point unless Jarvis allowed it. He never should have trusted the damned machine. At this rate the Avengers were more likely going to eviscerate him before Jarvis deemed the problem resolved enough for him to leave.

Walking in with two mugs Bruce stopped in front of Loki and held one out. “I don’t necessarily like this whole situation. You living here and all that. But now that I know that you’re not dead I don’t think I’d be too comfortable knowing you were living anywhere else on Earth either. The whole you not being dead thing nearly made the other guy come out. He wasn’t too pleased when Tony brought you here. Yet,Tony is obviously okay with you living here. Which means I guess I’m okay with you living here. The other guy will have to learn to deal with it like he has with our other problems and inconveniences. Besides you haven’t tried to kill any of as far as I know. So yeah, I think I’m okay with you living here.”

Loki tilted his head and just stared. He understood what Banner had said. He understood that he most likely should take the offered mug; it was a peace offering after all. But Loki only seemed able to stand there, a part of him still not comprehending what the man had just said.

“Ooookay. Look could you please take the tea these mugs are starting to get heavy.”

“Oh, yes. My apologies,” Loki sounded slightly bewildered, his voice coming out as a soft whisper of a thing. He quickly mentally shook himself before slowly taking one of the mugs from Banner. He made sure that not even a single drop would spill from either of the mugs. “My thanks,” he said before breathing in the smell of the tea. The steam swirled around his face. His lips upturned in the smallest attempt at a smile possible before he took the smallest of sips of the chamomile tea. 

After licking his lips and taking in a steadying breath Loki made a single small step toward Clint. “I...I know that no matter what I say, you will not believe me. You you will think I am manipulating you and everyone else in this tower. I can assure you that is not my intent. I don’t mean you or anyone else any harm. But what I have to say hasn’t meant much for longer than you’ve been drawing breath.” Loki took another tiny sip of the tea. He didn’t think it was poisoned but one could never be too careful. Once he swallowed he continued, “Maybe I am a monster. I’ve killed, forced others to kill for me, ensnared the minds of others even when I had fought for the same not to happen to me. Even if I had done none of what has angered you I still did such terrible things before I tried to rule Midgard. I attempted to destroy an entire world. I made sure Thor’s coronation was postponed. And even if I had not done those things I’ve lived a life I was not meant to have. The Allfather should have walked past me. He should have let me die as I was meant to, cast out as infant.” Loki was shaking slightly so he took in a breath. He held it for a few heartbeats before breathing out once more. “I can not change what I have done no matter how much I may wish to take some of those things back. I can not undo what I did to you or your people. I am sure that you and others will think I have not suffered enough. Perhaps you are right in that thought. I am a monster and monsters deserve to be punished.” He looked down at the mug in his hands. More accurately Loki looked at his hands, the perfectly cast illusion. Maybe if he didn’t wear an illusion like armor Barton would be more at ease. Maybe if he could prove himself worthy the pain wouldn’t have been so harsh. Maybe if he hadn’t been born a Jotun he wouldn’t be where he is now. 

Loki held out a hand for Clint to shake. “I swear to you on my life, on my tea shop, on any and everything I have left, I mean you and your people no harm. I swear I wish to live out my days. I swear all I mean to do is survive with limited amounts of torture as possible. Partially do to Jarvis and partially due to the fact that I would like to still live here I will do what I must to make everyone comfortable with my living here. Whatever the cost of ending this impasse, I will pay it.”

Clint didn’t move for several seconds after Loki was done with his speech. It was up to him. He was the one putting up the most fuss. He took a breath and shook Loki’s hand. He quickly let go before saying, “Fine. You can...you can stay if you want just sit where I can keep an eye on you. And don’t...don’t do any hocus pocus right now. I’ll let you know if there’s anything else to help end this standoff.”

With nod Loki’s illusion slowly fell, “No more hocus pocus.” Loki looked back down at his hands to see all the lines, burns, bent still sort of healing fractures. It didn’t hurt any more than before he let down the illusion. He sipped at his tea and tried to be calm. He could deal with a little discomfort.


	33. Chapter 33

For the second time since Loki started living in the tower Clint watched as Loki’s illusion fell. He watched as Loki went from looking like the perfectly normal yet villainous person which still sometimes haunted his nightmares to some broken thing that must be from someone else's bad dreams. He knew he should say something. He should say that he didn’t mean this when he had said no more hocus pocus. He should say that Loki could cover these scars if he wanted. Or he could keep standing there looking like a favorite childhood rag doll. It wasn’t as if Clint knew what the guy wanted. Yet Clint didn’t say anything right away and the longer he paused the more he felt he couldn’t say anything at all. It felt like everyone was looking at him or Loki or more likely both and he just wanted all the stares to stop.

Bruce took in a deep breath. Then he took another. Finally he took one last deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them he half hoped he had been imagining all those scars. But his eyes blinked open and all the cuts, burns, and scars were still etched onto Loki’s body. Of course he hadn’t imagined them. “What…” He was going to ask what happened. Or maybe he was going to ask why Loki looked like this now. Bruce didn’t though. He just stared and then he kept staring. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t seen wounds like this before. The problem was the fact they seemed to stretch across Loki’s body. Bruce figured the scars wouldn’t end abruptly where the clothing began. Scars rarely stopped because something like cloth covered them. The problem was that Bruce had helped people who had these type of wounds but never to this extent. Almost never to this extent. He shuttered at the thought of the last man he had seen who looked like this. In the end no one had been able to help him. Bruce never even had a chance to learn that man’s name before he died. But all of those people Bruce had treated were just normal humans with normal human DNA. Loki was a God or at least someone who had once been worshiped as one. If Loki was anything like Thor then it would take quite a bit for scaring of any sort to happen let alone all of this. Bruce took another breath and finally managed to stop looking. He turned his attention to Clint as he tried to keep a handle on himself. He needed to calm down. He needed to be less angry, upset. Instead of asking Loki his questions he looked to Clint for any answers but Clint just stood there which didn’t make Bruce angry but it didn’t really help either. 

Steve was the first to say anything, “What the fuck?”

“Language,” Tony said it half halfheartedly knowing that a small inside joke wouldn’t really help but he needed to at least try.

Rolling his eyes at Tony, Steve continued, “What...what is all this? I knew you had that deal with Nick and that you didn’t want to go back. Is this why? Jesus...you look...I’m sure this isn’t at all what Clint meant.”

Loki hadn’t realized that Rogers and Banner hadn’t known of his punishment. He looked down at his hands again, what did he look like to these people? He licked his lips and looked to Rogers, “This is Asgardian justice.” He almost smiled when he looked over at Banner and corrected himself, “More accurately it’s Asgardian leniency.”   
Loki took in a steadying breath. He tried to ignore the pounding of his heart. He tried to ignore how his hands started to shake terribly the second he looked down at them. If he closed his eyes Loki could still feel every cut and burn as if it was still taking place. It would be better to get it done and over with, list what and why these markings exist. Looking at no one in particular Loki said, “For helping Frost Giants break into the Weapons Vault I was whipped. Because I was born a Jotun I was burned, scorched, left in a sweltering cell till I was certain I would melt into nothing. For killing King Laufey the marks of my birth were carved permanently into my skin so even in Aesir form I cannot hide from what I truly am, a monster parents tell their children about at night. For breaking the Bifrost each bone in each finger was bent back till it snapped. I was whipped once more for trying to enslave the people of Midgard. They used knives to cut into me for each human I killed or even harmed. For using the Tesseract on mortal minds more bones were broken, snapped, splintered. I was starved, left in the dark till...they came back with the light to beat me. I was nearly blinded I don’t know why they stopped. I am not even certain as to what those punishments were meant for. I must have forgotten something else I have done or perhaps they were bored and in need of something to do. I’m sure I deserve everything the guards of Asgard did. I was meant to die...as a babe, a child, teenager, adult. I’ve always meant…” He stopped talking before he could say something else he could regret later on.

Clint watched as Loki told him for the second time what had been done to him. He didn’t feel bad. Loki had said it himself, he deserved what had happened. Yet Clint did feel something as he watched as Loki formed a list of pain that never seemed to end. Clint shook his head slowly and said, “Loki...you...If you want you can use your magic. Those bracelets are supposed to help limit it’s use right? I mean if you were going to...I mean…”

With a nod Loki let his illusions fall back into place. “My thanks.” He looked down at the bracelets which he would have been able to forget about if it hadn’t felt like he was missing parts of himself because of them. They were a necessity to be allowed to stay on this realm but he was pretty sure he would submit to almost any torture if he would have them off for even an hour so he could feel like a full person again. He looked away before he could try and start thinking of ways out of them which would only lead him to more upset and pain. Loki looked around, sipped the last dregs of his tea, and sat down in a chair which was place in the corner of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize I haven't updated in almost a month! Sorry, I meant to finish and post this weeks ago but for some reason Clint nor Loki would start talking.  
> Anyway, I'm happy with how this chapter turned out hope you all do too.


	34. Chapter 34

Loki stayed long enough to watch one movie. He didn’t really pay enough attention to recall anything other than the colorful pictures on the screen seemed to be animated. Other than that he watched The Avengers. He watched as Thor seemed to eat an entire village’s stockpile of popped corn. Natasha seemed to have a secret stash of chocolates. One second her hands were empty and the next she was stuffing a bit of chocolate into her mouth. Bruce sipped on his large mug of tea till it seemed uncomfortably cold. In the end he finished it and went up to get another cup full. Loki did what he could to subtly speed up the process and make the tea stay drinkablely warm for longer. Meanwhile, Steve seemed transfixed by the movie. Every so often he would reach out to the bowl of popcorn but more often than not he would miss. Instead of looking away from the movie he just kept blindly reaching till someone, mostly Tony, would take pity on him and would move his hand in the correct position.

 

As the final credits started rising up the screen, Loki stood up with a quick stretch. “Thank you for…” He tried to find the right word or words. He settled for, “Thank you for this.” Loki walked away before Thor could try and call him brother. He put his long empty cup of tea in the sink before anything else could be said by anyone. Retreating to the elevator he hoped that this time Jarvis would allow the doors to open. He didn’t even have to hit the button to go down. The doors simply opened on their own and closed quickly once he was safely inside. 

 

Once the doors opened with a ding and Loki walked out onto his floor Jarvis finally spoke up, “I am sorry Mr. Friggason, I acted in the way I thought would best serve all the people in this tower. That includes you.”

 

“Don’t try and sound apologetic as if you actually care!” Loki didn’t want to hear falsities from Jarvis, especially not right now.

 

“Please, just let me finish. Stark shouldn’t have brought you upstairs for movie night without warning the others. It was a poor attempt to integrate you into a comfortable place with the other residence of this tower. But if you had just left and came back here then it would have set a precedence which would have been harder to break later on. Now all of The Avengers have seen and heard what happened to you and can understand why Tony would have brought you to live here.”

 

With a sigh Loki looked at one of Jarvis’s camera’s attached to the ceiling, “I don’t like being forced…”

 

“I know. And it was out of my purview, technically, to do what I did. I won’t try anything like that again.”

 

Loki walked toward his bedroom. “My thanks.” All he wanted to do now was curl up with a book and fall asleep. He was still half convinced that at any moment one of The Avengers, most likely Barton, would come to eviscerate him. At least he would be able to read and become partially comfortable before that happened.

As Jarvis tried to make up to Loki by playing his favorite instrumental songs. Loki curled up on top of the sheets on his unmade bed. Eventually he moved so his feet and lower legs were covered with the blanket. He slowly turned the pages of whatever book he was reading. Every twenty or so pages he would set the book down and pick up a different one. He couldn’t seem to stick with one story anymore but the pile of books beside him was comfortable. The pile of books kept his mind busy and the blanket around his legs kept him snug and aware of his surroundings. 

 

Meanwhile, Clint went down a handful of floors from the Media Center to his own floor. He walked down the stairs that no one other than himself seemed to use. He walked, slower than normal, till he reached floor 81. He reached under his shirt, pulled up on a string, which caused his key to fall into his hand. He carefully slid the key into the lock and twisted till he heard each tumbler move into position. The key had been a must when he moved in. No matter how much he trusted Jarvis, he felt better knowing he was the only one with the key to this door. 

 

The door swung open silently and Clint walked in. The door swung shut with a soft click, locked and safe. He walked past his kitchen and tv room. Clint practically shuffled into his bedroom and closed the door behind him. Leaning back he wondered if he would be able to get the sight of all those scars out of his head. “Probably not,” he said under his breath. 

 

Jarvis pretended not to hear Clint. Most times, with most of the residences of the tower, he found it best to pretend he didn’t hear anything. 

 

Clint leaned with his back against the door. He felt...he wasn’t quite sure how he felt actually. A part of him was glad that Loki seemed to have learned his lesson, payed for what he did. But the matter of fact way all of the marks had been explained away made him sick. Clint couldn’t help but think in that in that moment he had almost sounded like mom. 

 

He shut that thought off as he pushed off from the door, turned back to it, opened the door, and walked out of the room. Clint went to his bathroom and turned on the shower. He turned the knob and waited. He quickly stripped once the water was just slightly too warm. Eyes closed he tried to think about nothing. He scrubbed. He washed. He even picked at the grime that had been accumulating under his nails. 

 

A little while after his skin started to shrivel up Clint finally stepped out of the shower. Ignoring the clothing on the floor he only grabbed his towel. Drying quickly he threw the towel on top of the clothing and walked out of the room. He went back to his bedroom and threw on the first comfy pajama like thing he could find. Tonight his choice was oversized purple sweatpants and a pink shirt. For once he ignored his beloved hammock. Instead Clint went to the bed that was too big for one person alone but that’s what he was, alone. Reaching to his ear he undid his left then right almost invisible ear hook. With a bit of a wiggle and a slight pop each of his hearing aids came out and then were placed on the table. Clint turned up the corner of his covers and climbed up into the bed. He curled up as small as he could and covered himself in sheets and blankets till  practically only his nose and mouth peaked out from under them.

 

Jarvis dimmed the lights in Clint’s bedroom. When he didn’t complain or indicate he would need the light, Jarvis turned them off completely.

 

Clint nestled into his pillow. He burrowed into the sheets. And when Jarvis turned out the lights he wanted to say thank you but once again he waited too long. It felt like saying something after a few seconds passed was too delayed an action. So instead, Clint said nothing to Jarvis for turning off the lights when he was too caught up in thoughts he was trying to ignore. He curled in on himself impossible more as if that could hold him or his thoughts together. 

 

Soon enough Clint closed his eyes. The room was dark. The bed comfortably warm and almost too soft. Tonight he fell asleep quickly as if only in sleep he could truly escape his problems.

 

_ He was running. He was running on the wooden floor of his childhood home. His bare feet were slapping against the wood. He could hear everything. He was running and he was a child and Harold was chasing him. Harold was yelling. Harold was angry, fists ready. All Clint could do was keep running but his legs were too small and Harold’s were too long. Barney tried talking sense into the monster, “Dad he didn’t do anything.” Barney was pushed aside with a fist. Harold was a giant and Clint couldn’t run anymore. Then all he could see were fists and blood. Rings caught on his cheek. He couldn’t hear anyone anymore. He could only see Harold’s hands hitting him till they broke. They bent at odd angles. Each and every bone was shattering. And Clint could hear them shattering. He could hear again. Harold screamed. Except that voice, that scream which was fraying at the edges, couldn’t be Harold. Harold never screamed, not like this. He only yelled in anger. And the fingers were too long and thin to be his. Clint watched as this man of rage shifted to some broken and cowering thing. Clint tried to walk to the man but he man only flinched. He cried out, begged for it to stop. But Clint didn’t know what it was. He tried to walk to the man again. He thought it was a man. Maybe it was a monster. Maybe it was meant to be so twisted and burnt. Maybe-the man was curled up on the ground in a puddle of his own blood. Clint ran to his side. He found a bleeding wound, pressed his hand on it, but then the wound would move. Suddenly the man started talking. And once he started it didn’t seem like he could stop, “I’m sure I deserve everything. I d _ _ id not enjoy what I did. cannot change.  _ _ I was meant to die.” Clint realized it was Loki. He was holding Loki, his master, his tormentor, this broken and dying thing was a man who wasn’t even a man. Yet he could seem to let go. Clint had to keep trying to stop the bleeding. The body under his hands shifted. It was no longer Loki. Clint was now holding himself. He could still feel the wooden floors under his feet. Could hear all the screaming. “Dad he didn’t do anything.” Clint let go of the now indistinguishable body. He ran. He ran from his father. He ran from Loki. He ran from his family, and himself. He could still hear the screaming and the excuses. “Does it please you,” Loki’s voice. “Are you happy,” his mom. “You know what sets me off. This is your fault,” Howard. “You can’t change,” his voice, no Harord’s voice. “I’m sorry. I’ll do better.” Loki’s voice, no his voice. _

 

Clint sat up and could still hear all those voices echoing in his head. He could still feel the blood on his hands and didn’t know who it was even meant to belong to. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to figure that one out. Instead he climbed out of bed and all he could concentrate on was the fact that he couldn’t clearly hear when his feet hit the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it was time for a more Clint focused chapter and I wanted to write a dream sequence. I've had this idea for Clint's dream for awhile now so I hope it came across as well on the page as it does in my head.
> 
> As far as I know (off the top of my head) this is the longest chapter I've written for this fic and I'm pretty proud of it. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!


	35. Chapter 35

Once he woke up and got out of bed Clint didn’t bother with putting his hearing aids back in. He didn’t bother with looking at the clock either, he already knew it was sickeningly early. Instead he walked to the kitchen and poured a bowl of dog chow for Lucky. As he placed the bowl back on the ground the dog came running from the living room. “Sorry I didn’t do this before bed. Bad Clint, I know. I just wasn’t thinking.” Lucky didn’t seem to mind that he had missed dinner. He certainly didn’t seem to mind that he was being fed before he had a chance to bark at the sunrise. He just chowed down on his kibble and Clint crouched down. Clint rubbed the dog’s ears as he ate. Once Lucky was finished he ran off again and Clint was left alone in the kitchen with his left hand still scratching the air.

Clint let himself fall down to the floor. He lowered his hand. For some time he just stared at the doorway that Lucky had ran through. A phantom cold, possibly from the tiles he was sitting on, seemed to seep through the thinning fabric of his sweatpants. Maybe he should have put his hearing aids back in, turned on his ability to properly hear. It wasn’t as if he needed them for sitting and thinking but it would be nice, comforting, to hear Lucky’s nails scraping slightly against the wooden floors. It would be nice to hear something other than his heartbeat. It would be nice to be able to hear like anyone else his age without the use of the aids he needed since Harold hit him too hard. Clint closed his eyes and focused on his breathing.

Eventually Clint stood up. He stretched. He turned on the coffee machine, pressing the button a bit more forcefully than necessary. Once the coffee finished dripping into Clint’s mug he held it close. It was more about the warmth then the actual drink at this point. Though he figured the coffee might be a good enough way to shake off his nightmares. 

Four floors down from Clint, Loki was still curled up in bed. The titles in his pile of books had shifted slightly over the hours he had spent that bed. He drank several cups of tea. He hadn’t even bothered with trying to put on pajamas or resting his head in an attempt go to sleep. It would be a useless endeavor tonight so why would he even try. Instead he had periodically watched from the bed as the sky grew darker and then grew dim greyish blue as the sun returned. Instead, Loki read page after page after page from any book that was in reach. If the need arose he shuffled out of bed and grabbed a book off one of his bookshelves. Loki didn’t want to fall asleep. He knew the second his head hit the pillow his thoughts and dreams would only be that of horrors both real and imagined. Instead, he just kept reading and tried not to actively think about anything except what was written on those pages. 

Clint paused, hand poised, ready to start brewing his third cup of coffee in twenty minutes. He couldn’t keep at this pace of coffee intake. If he did his hands would be shaking in an hour or two and then he would crash and fall into the deep sleep he was setting out to avoid. Instead of making that cup of coffee he went back to his bedroom and quickly threw on something a bit less pink to wear before he lost his nerve. Actually, what he put on was a lot less pink because it was nearly entirely black. He was nearly out of the room before he turned back to slip his hearing aids into his ears. It was only when he was halfway to the stairs that he realized he was essentially in his tactical gear minus the weapons and shoes. He shrugged and just kept walking. As he made his way down the the stairs he tried thinking of something, anything, to say, but it all sounded wrong. Instead he just kept walking till he was standing outside of the door belonging to floor seventy seven. 

Loki almost threw the book he was reading across the room into the window when apropos of nothing he heard a loud banging coming from his living room. He only just managed to clutch at the book before it flew from his hands. “Jarvis,” he glared at the nearest camera which happened to be above his bedroom door. 

Before Loki could get too angry Jarvis answered the question that was obviously coming, “Clint Barton is outside of the living room door which leads to the master staircase of the tower.”

Loki clutched at his book a bit more, “The door…”

“The door is locked of course. Though I believe it would do the two of you some good if you answered him.”

Clint knocked on the door again. He had started off by gently tapping but by now he was practically pounding on the door. He had two real options at this point. Either he could keep knocking till the door or his hand broke or he could leave. He felt ridiculous but it was too late to go back to his room so he just kept knocking. He couldn’t just walk away.

The knocking was inescapable. Loki couldn’t simply try and ignore it though reading or force of will. Eventually he stood up. Walking out of his bedroom he continued to clutch a bit too tightly at his book. Loki walked up to the door and bowed his head, “Tell him he can stop that incessant knocking.”

“Mr. Friggason asked if you could stop knocking.” Clint jumped at hearing Jarvis’s voice. He lowered his arm till his fist was at his side. With a bit of effort he managed to pry his fingers apart. 

The door swung open slowly, bit by bit. Once it was fully open the two men just stared at each other. 

Clint took a breath and after holding it for a few seconds he left out out. “You don’t...I didn’t… I mean I didn’t come here to scare you or threaten you or whatever. I…” Clint sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he said, “I don’t know if I can forgive you, completely, for what you did.” His hand practically fell back to his side, “But you obviously paid for what you did. No one...no one deserves what happened to you. People shouldn’t hurt others like that just because they feel justified to do it.” His fingers twitched in way that was mostly unnoticeable. “I haven’t...people...Harold, my father, was controlling and manipulative and I hate him. It doesn’t matter that he’s been dead for years I still hate him. He made my entire family feel powerless in the same way that you made me feel powerless. We couldn’t...it’s his fault...I suppose that some of this,” Clint motioned between the two of them instead of coming up with a word for their relationship with each other, “is me projecting Harold onto you. He got out easy and you’re still here. I know that doesn’t. It doesn’t justify how I make you feel. It’s just turning me into the abusive jerk he once was. So...sorry.”

Once Clint was finished with what he had to say he backed away. He turned and started to walk back up to his floor before he could regret what he said and try to cover it all up in some way. Maybe he should have just stayed on his floor and drank coffee till he had passed out. That might have made more sense. At the very least it would have been easier.


	36. Chapter 36

Loki was fairly certain that he was meant to say something. Or maybe he was meant to do something. Instead he watched Clint walk away and then he listened as his footsteps faded. He stood there in a doorway to a stairwell he hadn’t even realized existed a half hour ago. He stood and listened to the ghosts of footsteps and repeated Clint had said. Loki stood there with his mouth hanging open. It wasn’t as if he had done anything to deserve an explanation let alone an apology. 

Eventually Loki retreated back into his living room. Making his way further inside he managed to sit down on his couch. 

It didn’t make sense. It just didn’t make any sense for anyone, let alone Clint, to knock on his door and apologize. It wasn’t as if Clint had done anything particularly terrible to him. And even if he had, he was justified in doing it. It was Loki who should be apologizing, over and over again. That was what his punishment had taught him. Wasn’t it? Wasn’t that the point of all that pain; to learn he was meant to be better and make up for all he had ever done wrong?

Loki sat on his couch with thoughts just tumbling through his head. Yet, the more he pondered what Clint had done, the more confused he seemed to become. Eventually he looked up at one of Jarvis’s cameras, “What does Barton enjoy eating?”

If Jarvis could have smiled he would have. Yes, what he had done had hurt people he was wired to protect but already they were beginning to move past their problems and differences. “If something tastes even marginally good Mr. Barton will most likely eat it. Though I have seen him eat an almost ungodly amount of maple fudge and apple pie during his time in this tower.”

Loki was off the couch before Jarvis was finished his sentence. He went to the kitchen and began poking around in the fridge and cupboards. Under his breath he mumbled, “Flour, sugar, butter, how did I run out of eggs again, used the last lemon two days ago didn’t I, cinnamon, nutmeg, and I’ll need better apples.” He found a spare piece of paper and wrote down eggs, lemons, and apples.” Loki then looked to his left to look at the camera in the corner, “And what do I need for maple fudge?”

“I can send you the full recipe but you will need to add brown sugar, evaporated milk, confectioners sugar, and maple flavoring to your list.” 

With a nod Loki wrote those down on his list. Once he was done he picked up the paper and folded it into a little neat square. Before heading to the elevator he grabbed his leather jacket from the hallway closet. He tucked the square with his ingredients into the left pocket. His money, keys, and phone were still in his right. As he stepped into the elevator he put his keys with his ingredient list. 

In less then twenty minutes Loki had checked in on Tea and Potions and had walked to his favorite grocery store which happened to be only two blocks away from his precious bakery. He walked down every aisle and inch of the grocery store. The cart rolled smoothly ahead as he filled it with anything that caught his eye. By the time Loki was checking out his cart was practically overflowing with ingredients both on and off his little list. 

Getting all the bags back to Stark Tower proved to be a bit more difficult than Loki had originally anticipated. He nearly lost half of the bags nearly half a dozen times. He tripped over absolutely nothing three times. He bumped into fifteen people which was a feat onto itself considering it was still rather early and the streets weren’t as full as they could have been. But eventually Loki made it back to Stark Tower with all of his bags still intact. 

Jarvis made sure that the elevator doors were open and waiting for Loki by the time he got to him. He could tell the bags were ready to burst open onto the floor and Loki wouldn’t be able to shift them to one hand or arm to press the elevator button.

Loki made it up to his floor and practically flung the bags on the available counter space in his kitchen. He set to work almost immediately. His favorite music began to swirl around him as he unpacked the bags. Soon enough he was lining square pans with foil. He was mixing flour, sugar, butter, salt, and egg to make dough. He cubed butter. He boiled ingredients. He tossed apple slices in juices and spices. Loki multitasked as he made several pies and many batches of fudge.

After several hours which were full of practically nonstop baking Loki finally put the last batch of cookie on a wire rack to cool. After a quick search through floor 77, Loki found a large basket. Once all of the goodies were cool he filled the basket completely with maple fudge, apple pie, and cookies. The basket was piled full of all sorts of sweet things to eat. A miniature tower of wicker and various forms of dough began to form. Freshly baked golden brown fudge, crisp apple pies, and chocolate chunk cookies were piled one after another till no more could fit before they all toppled over. He also managed to squeeze in a few shortbread cookies, gingerbread slices, and some peanut butter cookies. 

Once the basket was full of desserts, Loki managed to lift it up without hurting himself, or more importantly harming the treats inside. He carried the heavy basket over to the elevator doors, pushed the button with his elbow, and lowered the basket onto the floor in the exact center of the machine. “Take that to Barton and make sure he gets it without difficulty. Thank you Jarvis.” 

As the doors to the elevators closed, Loki walked back to his bedroom and fell asleep on top of the sheets. He was covered in flour and chocolate. He smelled like a forest covered in tea time treats. But he was too tired to care. He fell asleep with his boot clad feet hanging over the side of the bed and he didn’t wake back up for several hours. It was one of the more restful bits of sleep he had in quite some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had this chapter rattling around in my head for quite some time but it just would not get onto the page. Thank you for reading.
> 
> If anyone is curious here are the recipes I used for reference in the chapter. I don't know how good they taste because I haven't used them personally...  
> https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/marvelous-maple-fudge  
> http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchen/apple-pie-recipe-2011423


	37. Chapter 37

Every morning for the next few days, one after the other, each Avenger found a basket full of baked goods in the elevator for them. After Clint received his, Tony found one around noon when he was stumbling out of bed. It was a basket full of dough filled fruity things. Then it was Natasha who received a basket full of tula gingerbread, pirog, and the most chocolatey brownies she had ever tasted. Steve had a basket full of apple pie, marshmallow sandwich cookies, lemon sponge cake, along with some other snacks that Steve hadn’t eaten 1945. Thor found a basket full of his childhood favorites, some of which were still a bit singed with the seidr used to make them. Bruce’s was full of buckeye balls and hummingbird cake. One morning even Pepper found a basket full of fruit and cookies sitting on her desk on floor 24. 

Loki was almost constantly baking. Somedays it was in Stark Tower. He woke up and immediately went to the kitchen and started baking. With a flick of his wrist or a nudge from Jarvis the kettle would begin to whistle with boiling water. After that first cup of tea was poured, the stove was set to preheat and Loki didn’t really slow down. He kept baking till the sun set or someone, Jarvis or Tony, practically forced him to stop. On those days he tended to make things for someone, anyone in the tower. The Avengers got their baskets of goodies but sometimes he would also make things for the underlings that worked in Stark’s company. If he baked in Stark tower he tended to have a goal, whether that goal was a person or a set number of confections depend on the day.

Other days he made the relatively short trek to Tea and Potions in order to bake there. He either poured his tea into a dreaded travel mug or he simply waited to fully wake up till he got to the store. On those days he baked the day and half the night away. Sometimes he even ended up sleeping, curled up, next to the oven. He would maybe get a few hours of sleep, at most, and wake up to continue baking. He opened the shop when he felt like it. No longer was Loki pressed to work in order to sell in order to survive. He now could open the store when he felt like interacting with humans. He opened the store in order to get rid of all the baked goods he was baking his feelings into. Loki opened Tea and Potions in order to talk with people.

Now Loki could bake in order to heal instead of simply try and survive. It was no longer a method of simply holding himself together. Baking was his therapy. As he plopped cookie dough onto the cooking sheet his bones seemed to be knitting themselves bit by bit back together. As he mixed cake batter his eyes seemed to sharpen their sight. As he sold fruit bars to smiling children and their families he could feel his skin trying to become one smooth piece once again.

The Avengers checked on Loki, especially when he was in the tower. But they mostly left him do his own thing when he left for Tea and Potions. Every so often Tony would walk over with the excuse that the coffee machine broke and this was the closest place for actually good coffee. Sometimes Clint would come and sit in a corner with a partially eaten cookie on his plate. He would sit of hours and pretend not to be intensely watching Loki. 

Once Thor came into the shop. The customers recognized him almost immediately. They swarmed around him. Loki was left at the counter shaking his head. A few nearby children heard him say, “Of course he came in full regalia. It probably would have been asking too much for him to leave mjolnir outside.” After that Thor thought it best to let Loki have his space outside of the tower. Instead he made it a priority to visit Loki, or in some cases attempt to visit Loki, when he was in the tower. Sometimes Jarvis would allow the doors to open up on Loki’s floor. Sometimes the doors stayed shut. Almost everyday, he had to try.

Loki formed as much of a pattern as he ever could. Which meant that no one ever knew exactly where he would actually be. Tony was the most accurate when asked for his guess. Though Clint figured Jarvis was sending details just so Tony could look like he knew what he was doing. If anyone bothered to directly ask Jarvis, they would have known exactly where Loki was at any given point. It just never seemed to cross their minds to ask. 

After living in the tower for almost three months, at the behest of Jarvis, Loki went down to floor 71. It was a Tuesday evening. Natasha and Clint had only recently got back home after an assignment. But the inhabitants of the tower gathered together to make dinner.Tonight it was burgers. Clint had his left hand almost elbow deep in a bowl of seasoned and ground up meat. Tony and Thor were hunting down drinks of various alcoholic and nonalcoholic contents. Bruce and Natasha were mixing and cutting various toppings. Steve was already setting the table. 

Loki almost backed out of the room. He had one foot over the threshold. But he was still mostly in the stairwell connecting the floors of Stark Tower. He figured it wasn’t his place to intrude, even if Jarvis had said it was alright. He still could simply turn around and go back to his rooms. But before he could successfully turn around he was noticed. 

“Brother!” Thor turned around with a bottle in each hand and a smile brighter than the sun on his face. “Please stay for dinner.”

From his position in the mixture for the burgers Clint called, “Get in here or we’ll have to put up with Thor and his puppy dog eyes for the rest of the week. I promise not to even try and shoot you tonight. Too tired for that honestly.”

After a few moments Loki let the door close behind him. He sort of shuffled his way into the room. Step by step he became slightly more confident till he stood before Clint and asked, “If you wish I can help you mix that, since your other hand is a bit preoccupied with being injured.” 

Clint shrugged and flicked the meat off his hands, “Take it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly meant to write (and finish this) at least a month ago. School then sorta kinda got in the way. But at least this semester of college seems to be going pretty well.
> 
> Thanks for reading. And thank you for reading up to this point.


	38. Chapter 38

Once Clint’s hand was relatively clean he backed away from Loki. He went to the sink and rinsed his hand with water. And soon enough he was standing by Natasha, hand still dripping water and the other hand held close to his chest.

Loki looked up after a few minutes of mixing the hamburger meat, “It you wish I could help your wrist and hand heal quite a bit faster.”

“I-” Before Clint could possibly say no Thor spoke up, “I can assure you my brother is very skilled in the healing arts. Despite the fact that most healers are female. He has been able to heal me quite often, even when we we younger.”

Things were quiet for a moment. Not exactly tence but now no one felt quite at ease either. Loki flicked most of the meat from his hands and fingers. Once they were almost clean Loki turned to Thor. “Thank you for that rousing endorsement, Thor. I’m terribly sorry that I not more equipped at more masculine pursuits. How are you fairing by the way? Are there any wounds I should heal for you? Or would that wound my damn honour?”

“Loki, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“Not what you meant,” Loki let out a laugh which was more pained than anything else. He took a few steps closer to Thor and ended his laugh abruptly. A bit quieter he said, “The argr will return soon.” Loki looked up a Thor, “Isn’t that right, brother.” With that Loki turned on his heel and went to the door. “Enjoy your meal,” was heard as the door swung shut.

“Yes!” Everyone turned when the door clicked shut and Clint yelled out. Natasha lightly smacked him in the head. He ducked down, “Ow, what was that for?”

Tony rolled his eyes and looked to Thor, “What was that about being argr? Seemed pretty pointed. Pointed at you buddy.”

Thor had the decency to look at least a little ashamed. “Argr means unmanly. It is one of the highest insults of Asgard. Loki...was called argr since he took to practicing magic...I am ashamed to say I did not try and stop it. If anything I helped spread what essentially became another title for him.”

Loki went back to his floor and he hadn’t stopped pacing since. He wanted to punch Thor in his ignorant face. He wanted to run away or bake or heal his own damn body. But instead he just kept pacing his living room. Walking from one wall to the other. Every so often his fingers would reach out and glide across the book covers placed on his shelves. For the most part his fingers were curled up which caused his nails to dig into his hands.

“Hey, if you keep pacing like that you’ll fall through the floor into Thor’s living room and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t really like that.”  
Jumping slightly, Loki turned and glared at Tony. “I’m rather certain-”

Tony walked further into the room and stopped in front of Loki. He put his arms out, physically stopping Loki from pacing anymore. “You, uh, forgot to tell Jarvis to Loki down the floor.”

“I know you made a request to be asked before people are allowed access to your floor but allowances have been made in the past. I thought Stark would be able to help as he has during past incidents.” Jarvis talked calmly and slowly. 

Everything was silent for a few precious moments before Loki backed away from Tony. He bit at his bottom lip and settled for looking at a camera in the nearest corner. Icely he said, “I have been asleep when those allowances were made.”

If Jarvis could have sighed he would have. Instead he said, “I made a judgement call.”

“Because you knew I would tell you to keep him, anyone, out. At least lock my floor down, now.” Loki folded his arms across his chest. 

“I’ll leave if you really want me to,” Tony backed up a few paces till they were a couple of feet apart. “I just wanted to say that you’re not weak because you do heal people and do magic. You’re not weak. I mean...to survive what you have...I know that sort of thing takes a lot of work. And it sounds like Thor hasn’t exactly been brother of the year in a while. I was wondering though, if you would like to watch a movie and chow down with me?”

Loki owlishly blinked at Tony a few times. “I would have thought…” He shook his head. “A lot of work, is rather an understatement. I should have…” Loki was at a loss for words. He sat down on his couch and waved for Tony to sit.

They sat on opposite ends of the couch. Tony asked Jarvis to have Bruce send up some of the burgers when they were done. Tony sprawled out and had Jarvis start playing E.T. on the tv. About twenty minutes in the elevator opened up so Tony could retrieve their dinner. They restarted the movie and gorged themselves on burgers, chips, and soda.

By the end of the movie there was less space between them on the couch. They didn’t feel like moving. For a few moments they just stared at the now dark screen.

“So what ya think?” Tony said in an almost sing songy voice. 

Smiling a bit Loki said, “The story was alright. The production was a bit poor.”

“How dare you. E.T. is a treasure. I was 12 when it came back and I was super into aliens at the time.”

Loki raised an eyebrow, “And are you still into aliens?” He was surprised that he was able to lower his voice to a octave of seduction he hadn’t used in what felt like a millenia. 

Tony stared at Loki. He watched as Loki smirked, eyes twinkling with unspoken thoughts. Unsure of what exactly to say, Tony sat and continued to stare.

After a few moments of silence the smirk fell off Loki’s face. “I shouldn’t have said that” He stood up, picked up what remained of their dinner, and began walking to his kitchen. “Jarvis, would you be so kind as to thank Banner for me?”

From his place on the couch Tony continued to just sit there. He wasn’t sure if he had missed something. For once he hadn’t known what to say and it seemed like nothing was the wrong choice. Standing up he made his way over to the elevator. He pressed the button and said, “We should do this again...if you want, E.T.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just have one final on Wednesday and then I'm done with this semester! 
> 
> And as always, thanks for reading!


	39. Chapter 39

Tony had been tinkering for hours now, as if solving tech problems could make everything else fall into place. Thinking back he was sure that Loki had been flirting. At least he was pretty sure. Or maybe Loki had just been asking about alien preferences for future movie nights? It wasn’t as if Loki was an alien. Well actually he was and so was Thor but they looked human. They didn’t look like E.T. or Stitch. They looked human. And Tony treated them like humans...like friends. Besides aliens in movies weren’t even real. It wasn’t like he had professed some deeply hidden kink about aliens. Tony had only said he had been super into them when he was twelve. 

Flipping his helmet down Tony continued to ponder as he turned the blow torch on. He turned the knob till the flame was whitish blue. Loki’s eyes had been twinkling, right? But maybe that was just something Loki’s eyes did. Or it had been a trick of the light. Or maybe he was misremembering? Science had proven at some point that memories can be faulty and could screw up sometimes.

The flame licked its way across the metal. Loki had been smiling when he asked his question so maybe he was just curious or having a conversation or literally any number of things. One question followed by awkward silence didn’t mean that someone was flirting, right?

It had only been a day since Tony had left the rather uncomfortable silence of Loki’s floor. In those twenty four hours Loki still hadn’t slept. Instead he kept walking in circles wondering why he had said what he said. It wasn’t as if he had made some declaration of love. He didn’t love Stark, not really. He merely cared for a human who seemed, in turn, to care for him. They were friends. Nothing more or less. Loki couldn’t tell if he had made an ill placed joke or if he had been actively trying to form some deeper connection. It didn’t matter either way so why was he still pacing?

Loki would walk to the kitchen, open the fridge or a drawer. He would walk to the living room and turn on the tv only to turn it off immediately after the screen had flickered on. Turning back to the kitchen he would take out a mug or a bowl. Only to turn and go to the bedroom where he pulled back the covers of his bed. In this manner Loki baked a batch of peanut butter cookies, twelve misshapen loaves of bread, and a minor mountain of sugar cookies. In between the steps of pouring ingredients, lining tins, loading the oven, and cooling the baked goods down Loki wandered from room to room. He turned on the lights long after he realized how dark it was outside. A book would be picked up only to be put back down when a timer went off. Music would play only to be switched mid song. Loki tried to think about nothing at all. Instead he ended up over analyzing every little detail of each interaction with Tony Stark.

After waiting a little, like Jarvis suggested, Thor rode the elevator one floor up to Loki’s floor. He waited for the doors to slide open. He waited for Jarvis to announce his presence. He stood staring at the elevator doors long enough to start contemplating breaking them down in order to speak with his brother.  
“Thor would like me to tell you that he is in the metal box outside your rooms. His phrasing not mine.” 

Loki froze mid step at Jarvis’s words. “I don’t-” For a moment he almost seriously contemplated running. It wasn’t that he feared Thor, not exactly. Loki just wasn’t sure he wished to talk with him. He lowered his foot and stared rather unseeingly at the wall for a few moments. “Ask him why he’s here.”

Thor yelled to Loki from his place in the elevator, “I wished to apologize. For last night. I know what I said upset you. I wished to talk with you and understand why. Brother, please, I meant no harm.”

Everything Thor said was a bit muffled but still understandable. Loki rolled his eyes and stared up at ceiling for a few calming breaths. If he turned Thor away now then he would just have to deal with all this later. It would probably be better to not deal with this at all but Thor always was persistent. If anything he would probably keep yelling through the elevator which would just lead to headaches all around. 

Stepping out of the kitchen, Loki muttered, “I suppose you should open the doors.”

The elevator doors opened and Thor seemed to fill the room. It wasn’t because the living room was small. And it wasn’t necessary because Thor was the embodiment of an Asir warrior. The elevator doors opened and Thor immediately rushed in. His arms were spread wide and he was moving closer and closer in an attempt to hug Loki.  
Seconds before Thor’s arms could close around Loki he dodged out of the way. Thor hugged the air. Loki stood to the side.  
Before Thor could try and hug his brother again Loki held up a hand. 

“Let’s not do this. You came here to apologize. So you may do that and nothing else for the time being.”

Thor let his arms fall down to his sides. He was still smiling but now it didn’t seem quite so large. “Brother, I...I am sorry I inadvertently called you argr.”

“Such a large word. Inadvertently. Hope you didn’t strain yourself with its verbiage.”

Thor tried to ignore that comment and continued on with his apology, “You must know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Loki let out a huff of a laugh, “What did you mean than Thor? Or maybe I’m simply misunderstanding what you actually said. That must be it. I mean, you did complement my ability to heal people, heal you. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing to be compared to a woman. Sif wants to be a warrior and you and most of Asgard couldn’t stop singing their praises. But the second I decide to wield seidr I’m ridiculed. Seidr is a part of me in a way that a sword can never be a part of you or Sif or any of the Warriors Three. How many times did you, any of you, call me argr? Mock me and my weapons of choice until they became useful for you?”

Looking like he had been punched in the gut Thor quietly said, “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Loki shook his head. “I’m just not sure if saying I’m sorry really means what you think it means.”

“It means I’m sorry!”

Loki took a step back, “But do you understand why you are even saying it or will you say something equally ill conceived the next time?”


	40. Chapter 40

Thor continued to stare at his brother. He had said sorry. He had well and truly meant it when he said he was sorry. And yet, Loki did not or would not accept his apology. Thor wasn’t quite sure what to do or say in this instance. Loki had always accepted his apologies before. So now they stood about an arm’s length apart but it felt more like miles. Thor was lost. 

“Loki, I can barely even remember what I said. I thought I was being kind, telling everyone about one of your skills. You were the one who misread the situation. I am sorry but I thought I was complimenting you.”

Loki sighed. “I...Thor.” He closed his eyes and took a few precious moments in order to figure out how to continue. Finally he opened his eyes and went on, “It is not that the words were directly hurtful. I’m rather certain you didn’t mean them to sound as they did. But the words were at least a little painful. You said, ‘Despite the fact that most healers are female.’ You implied my argr-ness because I am so painfully not a women. It’s not the first time you or anyone else have shared such sentiment. As a male, as an Asir, as a prince I should have grown to be...well...I should have grown up to be like you. I should be a fighter. And I am, in my own way. But I fight to survive. I fight using ‘tricks’ which must according to Asir ideology mean I’m weak. From the moment I made it known that I was to continue learning how to wield seidr it seemed as if all of Asgard compared me to women. For my choices I have always been considered less than everyone else. I am considered to be some broken thing which can’t protect itself simply because I don’t wield a hammer or sword. I chose to wield seidr and daggers. I simply wish that someone, other than mother, would be able to say something not demeaning about how I chose to live my life.” Loki stopped in part when he realized that now he didn’t even have his mother to stand by his side in something so simple as wielding his seidr. Loki turned away incase he started to tear up. He didn’t feel the need to spell that out to Thor in addition to everything else.

Thor’s mouth hung open. “I-” He cut himself off and tried to recall a time he had stood up for his brother. He had protected him when he could. He had offered to fight for his honor. He had said he had done well in battle but all the times he could recall always seemed to have stipulations. “I thought I had been standing up for you. I know now that it wasn’t want you wanted. It probably wasn’t what you needed.” 

Thor placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder. It wasn’t meant to force him to move. It wasn’t some insurmountable force. Thor placed his hand on Loki’s shoulder in order to simply try and provide a small bit of comfort. “I’m sorry you did not get to go to her funeral.” Thor lightly squeezed Loki’s shoulder. “You were as much her son as I was. Probably more so. She always did…” His mouth quirked up in a bitter smile. 

Loki froze. In barely a whisper he said, “It’s my fault she’s dead. I told that monster to take the stairs to the left. It’s my fault.”

The room was silent for a few heartbeats. As he shook his head Thor said, “No Loki, it’s my fault. I was there but not in time. I wasn’t quick enough to save her. I didn’t think…”  
Putting his hand on Thor’s Loki said, “It is both of our faults then...it certainly is not yours alone.” He stepped away from the hand on this shoulder and turned to face Thor. He opened his mouth but closed it once more, realizing he no longer knew what to say.

This time when Thor leaned in for a hug Loki did not move away.

The two brothers held each other close for several minutes. When a few tears were shed it was not mentioned. Instead they just held on a bit tighter when they began to sniffle. 

“Loki, I-”

Loki shushed his brother and gave one final squeeze before he let go. “I’m sorry.”

“...Why are you sorry?”

Almost rolling his eyes Loki said, “I’m sorry that she died. I’m sorry that I couldn’t save her. Sorry that you blame yourself, that her death is my fault. I’m even sorry I attacked Midgard.” He sighed and shook his head. “I suppose I shouldn’t be silently begging you to apologize when I have so much more to apologize for.”

Before Thor could say anything Loki stood up straighter, “Now, please leave. I think I would prefer to be alone right now.”

He wanted to argue. Thor wanted to fight or find the right words or go back to moments before when they were hugging. He didn’t do any of those things. Instead he nodded and walked back out of floor 77. He left without saying another word. He didn’t want to shatter whatever bit of brotherhood bonding that had managed to form from this conversation. He left because that is what Loki asked of him and Loki deserved someone who listened.

Once Thor had left Loki fell down to his knees. He curled up and began to sob. Each breath came in a gasp. His eyes quickly turned bloodshot. Loki stayed on the floor till every part of his body felt stiff. He now knew that his mother had not suffered. He now knew that Thor could at least pretend that he cared for him. He held onto his body as if that could hold himself together. Loki stayed on the ground and mourned and panicked but when the tears finally slowed he was able to slowly stand back up. 

Loki felt better. He felt ready to change back to a man he wanted to be. He was almost content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never thought I'd write 40 chapters of this fanfic so thank you so much for hanging in here with me!


	41. Chapter 41

The tears had slowed but his face was still terribly damp. Loki slowly uncurled his body and began to stand up. He couldn’t keep doing this. Looking around the room he took a silent inventory of the things he currently had in his life: a safe place to sleep, two working kitchens, shelves for any and all of his books, ingredients that almost replaced themselves, Jarvis, seidr, at least two flesh and blood people who were alive and cared if he was as well. In that moment he realized he couldn’t keep pushing everything away. He keep allowing himself to fall apart; one day he wouldn’t be able to come back together. 

Thor took the elevator back down to his floor. The doors opened with a soft ding and he walked inside. After a minute or two of standing in his living room with too much energy and nothing he needed to do Thor got back into the elevator. He rode down to floor 50, one of the gym floors.

Standing in the middle of his living room Loki realized that for once in a long time he wanted to do more than simply survive. He wanted to live and be happy. Forcing his lips upward he smiled. It was a trembling sort of smile which slipped off his face in a few moments.

The gym was silent when Thor got there. He made his way over to a reinforced punching bag made special for him and Steve to be able to use without it bursting open with the first few punches. Soon the sound of his fists thumping on the punching bag reverberated through the room. Thor remembered the times in their childhood where Loki had told him, “Hitting doesn’t solve everything, brother.” The punches came in quick succession when he remembered how easy the smile had seemed to light up his brother’s face when he made those remarks. No, those had been insights. Thor’s brow furrowed and the punching bag began to creak at the seams. 

Loki used the end of his sleeve to attempt to dry his face. He stopped crying. He breathed in and out for a few calming breaths and hoped the tears wouldn’t start up again. He went into the kitchen. He stood there for a moment or two before he reached for a bowl, eggs, salt, pepper, and various other necessities. 

The punching bag flew from where it hung on the wall. By the time it landed an entire side had split wide open. Thor almost shuffled his feet and stood over the bag before he sat down next to it. Remembering all the times his brother nearly lashed out but didn’t Thor took in a deep breath. He let it out and took in another. This time he would do better.

The eggs were cracked open and plopped into the bowl. Soon salt, pepper, and a splash of milk joined. Once everything was mixed together he poured the eggs into a pan. As they cooked Loki threw in a liberal amount of cheese. It was the first time in a long time that Loki cooked instead of baked. It was the first time in what felt like ages that he made himself something to eat let alone it being something meant to be a meal instead of a dessert. 

Thor cupped his hands and picked up as much of the sand as he could. He poured handful after handful back into the split bag. Once most of it was off of the ground he stood, leaned down, and picked up the bag. He made sure to hold it so only a small trickle of sand escaped back onto the floor. He could fix this.

He didn’t bother with presentation or even a plate. Loki ate his eggs out of the pan as he waited for water to boil for a cup of tea. Jarvis started a playlist of instrumental songs which seemed to float in and out of focus.

Tony turned off the blow torch. He stared up at the ceiling for thirty seconds before he finally turned to face one of Jarvis’s cameras, “How’s Loki doing? Should I go up now and figure this out or keep ignoring it. I need help here Jarv.”

“Loki Friggason is currently in the kitchen on floor 77. He seems to be doing well considering Mr. Odinson was on his floor less than 30 minutes ago. Though I would like to suggest sleep for the both of you considering its been about 24 hours since either of you have slept.”

Putting down the blow torch a bit too close to the edge of the table Tony went to the elevator, “I can sleep later Jarvis. Now I have an alien to talk to about feelings.”


End file.
